Monday, 29 August 2022

I Waited Patiently For The Lord. He Inclined And Heard My Cry.

 "Life is a very difficult business .. you know, it's fatal. And it's full of suffering and betrayal and malevolence. There's *nothing* about it that's trivial at all, life is ALL profound. In order to find your way through hellish inexperience you need to develop a relationship with something that's profound. And you can!" - Dr Jordan Peterson

It started with me buying a broken watch for $8 from my favourite op shop which was so pretty I put it on to admire while driving .. it's elegant, gold, slim (not shady but it is for ladies.) It wasn't my usual style at all - who am I kidding, I have no "watch style"at all! I stopped wearing watches altogether in the 80's after I found out I couldn't wear my new navy Swatch watch on my right wrist, only my left wrist. Anyway so I dropped off this new old fancy gold broken watch to the watchmaker on my way home, asked if he could please try get it working, perhaps also fix the clasp?  As I rounded the corner before home, my epiphany had started. 

I had purposely bought something broken in the hopes of getting it fixed. 

It's been a minute, since I last possessed hope. About anything. And everything. But especially about broken things.

Obviously the pressing, profound point here is:

It took me over thirty fucking years to realise I could've been wearing watches on my right wrist my whole life!?!? I mean fuck is there a Holy Book of Immutable Laws of Watchwearing? Jeezcrust, for somebody born with anarchic tendencies and anti-establishment leanings I sure have followed a LOT of rules in my life and done things like not pointing out the laughing elephant in the room (he's laughing because people keep trying to sweep him under the rug.) I smiled when I got told to smile because I had to be polite. If I had a daughter, not smiling when she's being told to smile would have been one of the first things I would have taught her. Just because somebody tells you to do or not do something doesn't mean you can't do it. It also doesn't mean they're right. For all of my failings as a human and parent, I try to let my kids decide things of their own accordion as often and as much as possible. 

There is SO MUCH POWER in being a parent to another human being I mean, obviously of course my sons love Jim Carrey and George Carlin and Eminem and Playstation and how bullshit advertising works. Of course they love the shit out of mac and cheese, of course they stand up to bullies. A lot of their traits I think hell yeah great job me! However most of their personalities and traits are just who they are as people and they are a couple of fine, decent, critical-thinking, awesome Souls in the world. If I didn't have such amazing sons? And if my brother wasn't so beautiful and caring as he was in his too-short life? Then I would have lost all my faith in men by now. True story.

It's taken me hours to write only this much of a blog post already because my brain is all, will I put a comma or full-stop? Italics? This adjective? How deep will I go in this one? Eventually I'll go balls-deep ... I can't NOT go balls-deep when I write to you guys Soul to Soul. I have missed you. I have missed me. It's been tradition to always change my blog header every time I found some new fresh horses to ride on, every time I was "back" every time I'd gone through the worst most painful things in my life. This time I'm keeping this header. I like this photo - my neighbour took it of me hanging my latest cowboy boots out the window a few years ago. He told me he thought I was drunk! I wasn't drunk I just like to get comfortable when I sit on a couch.

You guys, the broken watch is now fixed! Even if it wasn't fixeable, at least I tried, you know? It needed a replacement battery and a strap adjustment which cost me $15 and this time when I wore it while I drove it looked EXPENSIVE. When I got home I looked it up and said to my son, "Umm, Max remember that time I came home raving on about the meaning behind getting a broken watch fixed? Well, not that I did it for monetary gain but it works now."

I told him how much it was worth and we both laughed in disbelief. He asked me if I was going to sell it because he knows I'm not a "flashy" person but I'm keeping it mostly because of what it means to me and what it represents. (And also because it'll only get higher in value and we might just need to sell it one day.) 

Wow Computer it feels SO INCREDIBLE to write to you again. I've got a lot to tell you! You'd have a lot to tell me! I almost deleted this website because every time I looked back on old blog posts I'd be reminded of happy times and when my boys were little and I was still a married housewife and my little brother didn't kill himself yet and it would send me spiralling and keening all over again. I can't look back anymore so I won't look back anymore, but you're welcome to because it's all here, it all happened and I lived. I've been writing here since 2008. Guess the fuck what - THERE'S A LOT OF THINGS ABOUT TO HAPPEN! That's mostly a promise and only a teeny bit of a threat.

(Hey in 2007 I started a blog under the pseudonym "Topcat" - click HERE to see how indisputable I was!)

Welcome, to you if you've been reading me since way back then, or if you're breaking your Edenland virginity right now, I truly welcome you to this space. Buckle up ... shit's about to get real therefore interesting. I did delete most of the blog posts I've written here in the past few years. I had to. They all had one thing in common: I was pretending. Since about 2015 I've been BEYOND LOST AND FUCKED UP. Grief-stricken, panicked, falling, failing, angry, suicidal, lost, broken, miserable, lonely, resentful.

"People who whine about being alive are dangerous. Dangerous to themselves, and other people." - Jordan Peterson

I've learnt so much. I'm so glad I'm still here. I've grown, changed, reeaallly got in there and did the hard work on and in myself. This is the me-est me I've ever been in life so far. Putting my life back together was nigh on impossible and you know what that dude said about impossible things before breakfast?! Plus, I didn't just put my life back together - how could I, I burnt it to the ground! I'm building a brand new life (boat) and holy motherfucken shit the biggest best thing of all? I have important work to do. And that's not my ego talking either - ask God, it's true.

Late last year, I was violently assaulted. It's been going through the proper channels in the courts. I will never tolerate certain behaviour ever again. Before I moved to this house (which I LOVE) I was living in a teeny flat by myself and because I was so terrified I'd stay up all night. One particular night I picked up the Bible and went to Psalms because they actually are poems. I was reading out loud, and as I started going through the Psalms it felt so powerful. It was crazy beautiful and resonated deeply - I stood there reading out loud the Psalms which also happened to be EVERYTHING I was going through right then.

I got to Psalm 40 ... that's when the tears came. (I don't often read the Bible fyi and I should because it's the most powerful book in the world.) There's a song called "40" that U2 have been leaving as their last song at their concerts for oh I don't know, MOST OF THEIR CONCERTS EVER. I've been to every U2 concert in Australia since 1989. Bono and the guys are the soundtrack to my life. I know every song and I love the song 40 but when I got to Psalm 40 out loud in December last year? I already knew it because I've been inadvertently singing it since I was 16 years old. Now I'm 50 years old and only now - only now do I get it.

 I told God I was going to write that story in this blog post.  For years my prayers have been different variations of:

"I don't want to die!"

"I want to die."

After I read Psalm 40 from that heavy bible in the middle of the night and I felt such strength and force and faith and care, my prayer was along the lines of this:

"Holy SHIT GOD!!! I feel how Job might have felt am I allowed to say that to You? Everything has been taken from me - my work, my sons, my family, my self-respect, everything, all of it, You know it and see it and I've complained and wailed to You, but never have I blamed You. Thank you for working in my life. Thank You for the things I DO have. I lost my way, but not even after everything that's happened, never have I lost my belief in You .. sucked in to satan that my faith in You is stronger than it's ever been. Thank You for my life ..., oh my God this means I have work to do! Remember that deal I made in my twenties still stands. I will do my best from now on to not let evil people in my life. May I always remain teachable. Amen."

I don't know why I had to learn them the most excruciating way, but I've learnt some huge lessons. It's only a mistake if you keep repeating it. All the darkness in the whole world can NOT put out the light in one candle. I've lived through stuff I legit didn't think I could or would live through. That's gotta count for something. Oh btw don't worry I'm still batshit crazy, I'm just clear and clean and renewed batshit crazy.

I love you!

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