Sunday, 9 May 2021

Their Mum.

I need to be careful in saying how hard and viciously this day ripped me away. Don't want to tread on any toes. Hearts. My heart beats and then beats me up, every day.

I do have a soul. Then I singlehandedly brought two beautiful, joyful, empathetic, strong, insightful delightful a new eyefull of the most precious Souls into this world. This world - I zoomed only one person during last year's covidia and that was my psychiatrist. I'm officially medication-resistant. Especially  against at least three of the top dangerous mental health brain disorders/diseases/fuckeries known.

Spiralling all these years .. I don't know how else to get help anymore I was supposed to collect medication on Friday but the gigantic bill prevented me from doing that. Maybe if I had, things wouldn't have turned so unbelievably painful today. Dunno. 

I can't scroll through photos right now to show you the beautiful faces of my sons. It's too painful and already so hard writing this. Maybe one day they'll scroll through these years and years of writing here and maybe they'll feel my fierce love speaking to them straight from their computer screens to their bone marrow. Bone marrow is deep and so am I, my grandmother told me I am a deep well. Well I found an old letter from her she wrote me years ago. She would always write to me and I would always write back. Long, intimate letters I've never shown anyone. We were very, very close. In her old-fashioned cursive she once wrote:

 "Edie, you're never alone. Not as long as I'm alive, and not even when I'm gone." 

She's been gone for a long time now. I need her. Nan, I need your love so bad. You know it got me through my childhood.

FUCK it's hard to write while weeping. But hard things in life we do anyway, yeah? It's scary realising how relentlessly brutal things are. I can make it through again over and over like I always have but ... life is excruciating. I'm scared.

My sons are my world, my heart, my love, my everything that will ever be. They are the reason for my existence, I don't care if that's wrong. It's the truth. And the truth is the fucking truth. So many of us, scared by the truth! Getting as close to the real inner core of things may be terrifying but its freeing.

My brain is my biggest battlefield and I lay here in bed, invisibly duking it out in my head. Nobody, nobody in the world knows how powerfully hard it is for me unless you live in my brain next to all the monsters. Monstrosities. Everyone has their own individual problems and issues but mine have taken so much. I've lost my confidence. My happiness. My two loves. I'm empty .... so go fill it up God, Divine Creator. Please motherfucker fill me with love and faith and strength.

I pray my sons went ok today and Jesus do I pray they never feel the dark this way. They've already been through too much. I never, ever want them to know the feeling of needing to reach out and there's nobody there. Everybody needs a few somebodies. At least one somebody to turn to. 

I'm a flawed human - flawed mother. When I see my sons I want to portray and say that I'm ok and it's fine and it's all going to be ok. They need and deserve that. I used to be such a proud mother.

But it's not ok and I can't pretend anymore. Last year, people wanted me gone like, gone gone. People on both sides of "the law." I was told no wonder my dads didnt want me, no wonder my little bro killed himself just to get away from me. No wonder my family won't speak to me anymore. I was told to do the world a favour and just die. 

Words are incredible and words are weapons and words can kill. Local constabularians know I see them but I'll never believe them. Not after all that corruption whoops better be careful now Eden.

But I'm still here, still crying, still writing and trying, even at the lowest ebb. What kind of a word is ebb anyway. Dunno but it fits.

I missed my sons so hard today which broke my broken heart. All I care about is their hearts. They've magic magnificent hearts.

I love you my two guys. I love you and I love you and I'm sorry I love you and you are never alone. Not as long as I'm alive .. not even when I'm gone.

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