Wednesday, 17 June 2020

I Went Through Methadone Withdrawals Thanks to Covid.

“People put too much faith in the rich, the famous, the politicians. And not enough faith in themselves.” - Bono

I’ve been on and off addicted to codeine since my last caesarean unfortunately coincided with a cancer scare. When the government made codeine prescription-only, well ... it was hell. I didn’t feel so great (understatement.) Time to do the one thing I never had, admit myself to the methadone program which I was on for two and a half years until I thought wow, maybe I wouldn’t be colliding with so many awful violent people/situations if it wasn’t for the fucking methadone clinic? #NOTALLMETHADONIANS

Also this thing called "covid" was coming and I really didn't want to go to the methadone clinic every single morning between 7.15am and 10.45am to get dosed, especially when there was a pandemic on the way PANDEMIC HOLD YOUR LEDERHOSEN. I’ve practiced social distancing since I could walk because I’ve never liked breathing in the air that people exhale as they walk past. Also I just don’t like most people.

Before I tell you about withdrawing from me meffadome dose get this shit: Coincidentally the worlds  richest people have gotten richer and now China has called Australia "America's lapdog" something about trade sanctions or some shit. Then North Korea threatens South Korea for alleged propaganda, India’s flexing their army at the border so to frame it all war really is an industry which needs to be fed Hey Siri how much $ does it cost for a typical soldiers costume?

(I legit just asked Siri what’s happening with Syria and she came up with “Siri what’s happening with Siri” ugh she’s almost as self-obsessed as me.) I like to read behind the news Australia didn’t you know covid was coming? I was stealing surgical masks since last December when I started to withdraw and the nurses at the clinic laughed at me for overreacting.

Question: How many rockbottoms does it take to reach your real rockbottom?
Answer: I don’t actually want to find out but fracturing my foot while an average joe crashed my car, getting evicted, homeless and living in a dodgy dark motel and limping with crutches to get to my meffadome every morning mid-Katoomba winter last year counts among them.

So where was I? Oh that’s right, the safe loving sanctity of family members JOKE. I’ve been as crying as I’ve ever been, possibly more. Enough tears for Waterworld. Enough, tears.

It’s winter again I’m turning over a new leaf except my leaf is a forest and I’m burning it all down. Again again. I’ve been walking with this tattered red overcoat of shame this past while, Computer. (Oh I’ve missed you and thought about you all every day. For real.)

Yesterday I took it off and slipped into something a little more comfortable. Like myself. Heh not even joking ... when Dr. Harry at the clinic asked me why I wanted to get off methadone I said because I want to have a decent orgasm. And take a proper shit. One of us blushed and it wasn’t me.

Then I asked Dr. Harry isn’t this the whole point, to get off the stuff? He said something about suboxone instead and I refused so in the end I just jumped off my dose which led to the police coming to my door to do a “welfare check” on me which is basically to cover the clinics arses but thanks anyway. Dr. Harry said I was a one-in-a-million patient but I’m not, I’m just as special as every other arsehole.

The very first time I got dosed one of the nurses there said “Ohhhh, Eden Riley the famous blogger” which was one of the reasons I kind of stopped blogging for a while lord help me the stigma. It’s a small town, a lot of people saw me limping to the hospital on the highway but these days I can look the town in the eyes again.

Methadone tastes like the piss of a hundred junkies and has the thick consistency of cum. Being on methadone was my safety net of liquid handcuffs and made me look at the ground a lot. Yesterday I took Max out for lunch and afterwards we both looked up at the bare trees. I told him how when he was four years old he told me to look out the window at the different coloured hues of autumn, how I’d never noticed the seasons my entire life until he taught me, that day. He can’t believe it’s halfway through the year. It hasn’t been fair on either on my sons - Max has finished school, Rocco has started high school and they both walked out into a world which had a huge OUT OF ORDER sign on it. However they’ve both been through worse, both have grit in their genes.

Before during and after the lost methadone days I’ve felt despondent and finished, full of regrets and self-hate ... now I don’t mean to alarm anyone but did you know if you eat well, get proper sleep and exercise you feel a teense better? Also, if you finally name your biggest secret out loud nobody can use it against you, CLARENCE.

Had to shed a few skins to get here but here is good and here I’ll stay. I’m officially back on social media again aka47 facebook and insta because what the FUCK happened to social media? A pack of influenzas have taken over. Not on my watch - I need to tell you about putting the same load of washing in the washing machine three times because I can’t hang it out to dry. How I still cant find my undies so walk around freeflappin’ instead. All of the Star Trek I’m binging and how the characters are my only friends. How life overcomes me repeatedly and the way I overcome it.

A team of workers have been building a new house right next to mine which is really taking shape now. Fucking builders, making a mockery of my life because what have I done since they dug the first dirt last year? Nothing. Upon further thought I wonder if they could get through what I’ve been through and still survived because I’m still stronger than any man I’ve ever met. The builders next door have seen me yelling, crying, limping, ailing. That day I was vomiting in the front grass from withdrawal for all to see I was filled with shame and embarrassment and loss of pride but maybe now I think well, good on me. I’ve been working just as hard as them it’s just been on the inside.

Are you guys still out there? Have you been hiding too? Do you still believe? Come out come out wherever you are. Getting real isn’t so scary I promise.

Now If you’ll excuse me I need to eat my fourth bowl of porridge, bake two loads of apple cinnamon muffins for my sons, go back up to the copshop AGAIN to try retract a statement as is my right Chief if you’re going to arrest me the donuts are on you this time .

< i>Anyone who thought I was done: nah bitch, not quite
Spotlight's back on, got my faith, where's yours?
Do you still believe
in me?
Didn't I give everything I had to give you to make you see? I'll never quit.
Do you still believe in me?

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