Thursday, 2 January 2020

Write Here. Write Now.

There’s so much more to share with you but it’s inappropriate to talk about myself while Australia is burning. We’re on fire. Thousands of people, thousands of hectares, millions of animals, entire towns are gone. The death toll is rising. So what does our Prime Minister Scott Morrison do? Swans away to a holiday to Hawaii until he was shamed into coming back home. Pretty sure he’s banned climate change protests? Last year was the hottest year Australia has ever had. Climate change is REAL. Arsonists should be charged with attempted murder. Our firefighters all deserve Order of Australia medals ... thank you, fireys. You are our heroes.

Greta Thunberg is a hero too. You’ve probably all seen her speech to world leaders at the UN Climate Action Summit  ..... check this out. Right here. Right now.

(PS My mammogram results came back clear. CLEAR. I do not have breast cancer. The lumps were cysts, my lymph node is enlarged just because it wants to be, apparently. Stop being so dramatic, LYMPH NODE. Settle.)

I’m still yet to reply to your comments here and on facebook. You made me cry. You made me remember who I am. You didn’t forget me .... and gave me so much love. I’ve missed love. I love you more no returns. Thank you. So much.

Wednesday, 1 January 2020

Well *Technically* I Wasn’t Dead.

Look. I’m incredibly sorry for leaving you like this, but I can explain.

I never ever did it for the fame anyway but my people (my real people you know who you are) .... I’ve missed you. So much. I hope you’re going ok? I have not been going ok. At all so it’s time to spill it grab your cup of tea I’m sick of holding it so hold on.

Early last year I got involved with a guy who ended up trying to kill me. Too dangerous for my sons so they had to stay at their fathers house for way too long for my heart to handle but they come first. Always.

This piece of shit stole my jewellery, my money, and any faith in humans I had left. He landed in jail, I landed in homeless town because I got evicted for being behind in rent.

All of my belongings waited in a shipping container. I waited in a run-down hotel for emergency housing. It took over two months to secure a house. I had a car crash, fractured my foot in two places and needed crutches and a moon boot. Top tip: don’t put your foot up on the dashboard when you’re the passenger. My car got written off, wasn’t insured.

A close family member did something absolutely horrific to me. I can’t tell anybody which lost me people. I hardly have any people left ... some of them can go suck a dick, some I miss terribly. Terrible thing, this head of mine. It wants me dead. I don’t want me dead ... Rocco said “Mum you’re living until you’re 100 so you’re halfway through life.” I adore that boy. I adore my other boy - who is now 18. Wow.

Thought it was a great idea to go off all my mental health medications resulting in being catatonic for two months. Bugs and caterpillars started to creep inside my house and I didn’t know if they were real or if I was real or if I was dead? I hardly left the house except to pick Rocco up from school every second week. When he’s here we eat veggies and steak and talk deep while I dig deep to be present and take him places and have sleepovers. Sleepovers are the best - especially eleven year old boys who are still earnest and haven’t realised a few things about the world yet.

I have a huge basal cell carcinoma on the back of my shoulder which is getting cut out next week. I’ve ignored it for about a year because I haven’t been looking after myself. Had a mammogram on Christmas Eve and still waiting for the results but everything’s shut. Playing a waiting game with that one .... bit of a lump near an enlarged lymph node.

What else um I’ve been pretending and lying to people about pretty much everything because I haven’t been living just existing but they knew anyway. I can’t live like this anymore so I won’t. Nobody deserves this type of suffering. I’ve been so ashamed. And small - I haven’t felt this small since I was a kid trying to survive.

I joined a womens group which got me out of the house and talked to lovely people and got a new therapist. Who is incredible and doesn’t eat popcorn when I unfurl my life. Crying and crying. Ten tissues at a time. Learning that some of us can relive trauma again and again. She’s really actually helping. Society and advertising tell people like me to “get help.” Getting help is hard when you can’t find your socks or keys or wallet or hope or people to help you get help. THIS is the crux of all this mental health awareness suicide prevention RUOK R2D2.

I miss my brother. I miss my brother. I miss my brother. I miss my brother. Sometimes it all comes back. Took me a while to realise how much I blame myself and nobody can say platitudes to make me change my mind.

Ok so that’s me how you doing? Are you ok ... really really? I hope you are, Computer. I have missed you bad. You know this writing on this website is a part of me but I couldn’t write my way through last year like I usually do.

I actually broke. My life was scattered everywhere around me and I was drowning.

Someone came into my life and is actually helping me. Bono says a friend is someone who lets you help. I`m not used to accepting help but I couldn’t do this by myself anymore. There are still good, true people in the world. Literally thank God for that.

I couldn’t go to the U2 concert. I couldn’t go to the Eminem concert. I could hardly get up off the couch to go to the fucking dunny can.

That’s all gone. Twenty twenty vision now. I have visions, hope, a pocket of old fashioned caramels that remind me of my grandfather. He fought in WW2 ..... this fight the world is having now? It’s a spiritual fight. We need to help each more than ever. I will not crumble like this ever, ever again.

See you tomorrow, lovers.

(Oh and by the way if you live in my town and have heard gossip about me? Just letting you know it’s not true .... the truth has been much worse ok great chat.)

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