Friday, 2 November 2018

You Could Always Touch A Stranger But Not In A Creepy Way

I don't have anything to write about because what I've truthfully got to write about is too much, too dark and too scary. Even for me. I'm scared. Just really really scared, even with my emergency Valium which I rarely get. My GP knows that when I need Valium, I really need the hell out of that Valium. I've never, ever abused it either. When I go for like, 5 months without it .. my GP is just as proud as  am.

When I walk into my emergency appointment that I've begged for (usually on a Friday, for some reason it always seems to be a Friday.) I'm a jittery, shaking, choke-crying clothes-worn-every-day for probs three days in a row but still I'm PROUD of myself for not asking for those relieving little benzos for a whole five months! My GP and I both know that I live with chronic utterly raging horrendous anxiety and mostly get through those "attacks" without the Vals.

BUT: when I need them, I know I need them now.

I've never doctor-shopped even though I'm a very convincing straighty-one-eighty with the glasses and intelligence to boot. The last time I took drugs was horrendous and I really hope it's the last time I take drugs ever ever. There but for the grace. Just for today. The only reason I would at this point would be to make the pain go away but like the song says, the drugs don't work they just make you worse so you wake up the next day feeling WORSE than you did before you took the drugs. And the lying and the hiding and dishonesty I can't do anymore. Plus I have people to be the best I can be for.

I've been alone/lonely before but not like this. I'm not even going to describe it which obviously I could, pretty well. Human beings aren't rocks or islands and we shouldn't be left alone very much at all. It's frustrating, not being able to talk to people when I see them. Declining invitations and just .. not engage socially. Sometimes for a very long time. Tumbleweeds run through my heart, the ache that other people and their kinship and laughter could only fill. Telling people straight up "I have difficulty maintaining friendships" and they say it's ok, they understand and they won't give up then - they give up and the "blame" of that lies on me. I'm too much, I get it. But still - owie.

I don't always walk around the house with a crumpled face and bereft everything ... sometimes I do it in supermarkets too HA! I've had complete strangers walk up to me and ask if I need a hug, no shit. And we've just weirdly hugged as if it's not weird and I tell them thanks and we move on in our respective lives most likely to never cross paths again .... but that four second awkward change with another human being? Strangely soothing.

The last time someone touched me (except for when I hug and kiss my kids) was the lady who did my nails a few weeks ago. She was having problems with this one articular pinky of mine and she kind of massaged it or something and I just remembered thinking jeez that feels nice. Just that human contact.

I've had a handful of "interludes" with a few guys in the past few years and every single one of them - every, single, one ... have been arrogant, entitled, overbearing and controlling.

No, no, no, and no. Never again.

::

Considering the complete outpouring of love and kindness I have received this past week with a LOT of people helping me, sending me love (and meaning it, wow.) People whose names I don't recognise but you have all pitched in, and helped me, given me actual peace of min, oh I am slowly getting through contacting and thanking every body for the help they have given me - it's too important not to. My rent is so very paid well in advance. My bills got paid and we had lamb cutlets. Yes it was one of the most embarrassing things I've ever had to do in my life but SO many of you made me feel ok about asking, like that book that was recommended, Amanda Palmer's "The Art of Asking." You right there reading me for years gave me the one biggest most precious and important thing I've ever received in my life:

You reminded me who I am.

YOU REMINDED ME OF WHO I AM.

Now that is something I can never repay to you - except maybe some of you who've read this tonight and might be just as lonely as me so I've made you feel not alone and if I've done that, well, I'm not alone either. There's a darkness in a lot of us earthlings that want to make us isolated, alone, misunderstood, mortified with shyness. How do you deal with it? (Mental note - fix my comment system so you beauties can comment again.)

I deal with it by hugging strangers who feel sorry for me when I'm crying in the cleaning products at the shops.

Hey - it's a start. I have no time or energy to be proud anymore.

Nite. xxx




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