Sunday, 28 October 2018

Still Not Dead.

There's my brother Cam.

In the morgue. I took a photo.

He's still beautiful. Please try not spin out!

In the olden days people used to take photos of their deceased loved ones all the time. I cropped it for you so it wouldn't scare you too much. Originally I didn't want to even go into the morgue to see him, too terrified but everyone else in my immediate family did and I wasn't going to sit by myself next to the annoying white lilies so I went in. Didn't touch him until the next day when my mum and I went back together ... it was so strangely beautiful and comforting. But still ... he was kind of defrosting. I used push my baby brother up in the stroller to Mt. Riverview shops to buy king rat jelly lollies. He died when he was 33. In his suicide note wrote how disgusted in himself he was and he didn't want the stigma of getting help. The last meal he ever ate was prawn pasta. He always loved prawns.

His death destroyed me - like I'm still alive here to write about it but my family broke up. My family of 17 years that I worked SO HARD and SO CONSISTENTLY for ... it brokeded all up. I want it back but that'll never happen. How can people be so predatory? Write me beautiful supportive emails then nek minute take the dream holiday with my sons and ex to Greece and Turkey that we planned for years? I don't get it. I'm not sinking in self pity but I don't get it and maybe I'm glad I don't because I'm not like that.

More important than anything and the very best sacred holy things that have ever happened in my life ... my sons Max and Rocco. Nobody knows the depth of love I have for them except .. hopefully them. They grew in my uterus oh their kicks .. very few people in my life believed I could be a "good" mother at that time.

I never called them horrible names, growing up. I never crushed their souls. Made them hate themselves. I never made them believe they were nothing and I never, ever hit them and woke them up drunk in the middle of the night and made them weep with confusion. I kept a coupon from Womans Day Magazine under my bed with a cubic zirconia ring for $19.95 ....if I just bought that ring, THEN I would be loved!

Hey check this out. I cleaned my bedroom by myself for the first time in two years ... fairy lights. I deserve fairy lights. Cleaned it all by myself - such a basic thing but it was really hard. So hard. People don't understand.

My mental health and diagnoses and all that shit has taken its toll on every single person in my life. I wish I could change it. Some people say their bipolar is the best thing that ever happened to them - no fucking way. Not for me. Right now in my life it prevents me from doing so, SO much.

This baby would be five years old now. I was and still am an ambassador for World Vision. My caring heart will never just "go." I was born with it .. a few people I met just last weekend were confused by me and couldn't work me out until and I said hey you guys I can't work me out either. Chill.

One thing I know is that I'm not malevolent. Or fake .. I'm me. Ask me anything I got nothing to hide.

See this beautiful rug? Last week I put it up for sale for $120 on facebook and instagram because I was facing eviction from my house. Still am. I've signed rights away for something, they don't seem to be going ahead with it so I'm stuck until the allotted time runs out and it's mine again.

It's absolutely terrifying and I haven't slept for more than a month - all I need is a house for my two sons so they feel safe and secure with their mum. That's all ... this house is all that and more.

The "settlement" of a 17 year marriage took place more than a year ago. Emotionally, mentally, spiritually.... I fought a big fight but my sons were used as pawns and I wish I signed straight away to save all of the damage it did. In the year 2000 I worked at the Parakeet Cafe Katoomba and had more than 1k savings in my account to go to Scotland but I got caught up in a relationship, doing taxes from a shoebox. Fast forward till a few years ago and I waived my right to 6 houses and a lot of other things just so my boys would stop suffering. This is ugly awful things to put out here on the net but I just put my name down for public housing. Who wants to admit that?


If you're a long-time reader of me then you know me because I've never held back ... except for recently.

Recently I wake up every night crying. I'm so lonely I can hardy bear it, and terrified of not being able to support myself or pay my bills or rent. Frankly I can't and have had to get assistance from government agencies, especially with my gas through this winter.

I'm still alive. Like a mantra in my head says that ... but don't my sons deserve more? THIS is what people mean when they say suicide has a ripple effect. My brothers death was the writing on the wall - I lost everything, I want my family back, I want my sons and their father and me to all be together again. Its not going to happen and it's destroyed us all. Did I let it go or did it get stolen? I aways thought it'd be a little break. I was wrong.

Living with a person who has narcissistic personality disorder has just...god I don't know. There's no words to describe. I just want my life force back.

Ever second week my sons aren't here I barely exist. It's not ok nor sustainable to feel the pain I feel. The only thing I loathe more than falling asleep is waking up. Never knew such loneliness. Ever.

This is me when I'm pretending to be ok:

And this is me when I just can't pretend I'm ok:

I don't want to get evicted. I'm so, so scared. I need consistency for my sons. Everything's all business in this world so if you choose to drop a few dollars then I promise to write a blog post every single day in November. NEVER have I doubted my writing but if Eminem can release Kamikaze then I can do this. Shit yes I can - and not crap posts, either. Big posts .. the ones that make people feel uncomfortable and piss people off.

I'm currently in the middle of thanking every single person who has helped me last week by putting money in my bank account and PayPal. (I'M NOT EVICTED!) I'm not used to being helped and I can't actually thank you enough. A woman called Stacey saved me right in the middle of a huge mess I was in at about one in the morning. I'll repay her but oh my goodness .. Angels are alive and well, people. Believe.

Just believe. It's not that hard.

You know why I haven't written here properly for so long? Fear. But I'm not scared anymore - of anything or anyone. Dangerous. I'm still alive what a surprise, sorry! (Not sorry.)

So uncomfortable saying this but I'm pretty sure the world hasn't finished with me yet. Maybe you haven't either and lord KNOWS my sons need their mother.

I don't know what's going to become of me. Please be a part of it with me. I've no intention of giving up or I would have killed myself years ago. If you want to be a part of it with me, lets go. (The only reason I blog at this point is to put God in the machine. Sounds fucken weird but its true. I don't lie ... you guys who've been reading for a while already know me. Please believe me.

Ready for a big truth? You don't have to swallow yet I'm just making you aware .. darkness has dragged me down for a while because I'm one of the brightest lights that planet earth has ever seen.

But beautiful humans guess what? I'm back. And strong. Let's dive into this together .. the hell else are we going to do?

My real father was a genius who worked at IBM in the 80s, he drank himself to death. My stepfather of 11 years killed himself. My second stepdad died of cancer, my beloved brother Cameron killed himself in 2013 I grew up severely bullied, abused, treated like a piece of shit. My 20's were a shocker of rehabs and rapes and other unsavoury things but I fell pregnant with my first son Max and the whole Universe realigned. Love is the strongest force on the planet.

I'm not a begger but writing this - I guess I am. Need a roof over my head for my sons .. and me. It's easy to change the world. The hardest thing is changing ourselves.

(Thank you so much. Mortified.)

Eden Riley
BSB 112879


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