Walked On Water

Hi! I'm ok right now this second, you?

                                              Katoomba Street, November 2017 

I'm taking Rocco and his mate to the movies tomorrow, somebody gave us Gold Class tickets which I'm inordinately excited about.

He's tired, and sensitive, and only nine. I've a long history of mothering boys .. you know how you finally learn how to do shit right on your last kid? Yeah. Tonight I cooked steak for dinner. We ate it while watching netflix. I introduced him to Fantales .. they are smaller than I remember? Or I've gotten bigger? All I know is, one of us has changed FANTALES.

Jokes we all change. You live long enough and life forces you to change. You live long enough and you see things in a completely different life (pun intended.) Last week mum and I visited the flat in Newtown that Cam died in. Mum took yellow roses and left them .. it was really peaceful, I'm glad we did it, and I only cried after I got home.

                                                                   Missing U

How's the current climate of the #metoo campaign? Jaysus I've had to block out a lot of memories lately. If I had girls, I stand with Helen.

This week Eminem nonchalantly dropped his new single featuring Beyonce (her part sung here by Skylar Grey.) It's about not being who people think you are, second-guessing yourself, the wild ride of living a creative life. I've got a huge case of writers block which I've never experienced before. I think writers block - any block - is fear. I have a huge case of fear which is now dwindling because the tincture for that is love, truth, courage, etc. All the good marrow stuff.

I give life a seven and a half out of ten, this week. Not bad, all things considered.

We go on.

Stale Popcorn.

The end of world has already happened many times and only those whose world has ended can understand. This morning I checked the news - guns, American flag, how could dozens of people die in church was it God's plan all along because the president himself tweeted (apparently you run countries by twitter now) to the Texas people yesterday "May God be with you." 

Did I hear somewhere that St Peter has a big thick book of the day people are born and the day people die because if so then that's a heaven of a lot of people destined to die in a church I don't get and by the way pope (the vatican one not the kink one) you can jam your catholicism down your throat just like it was jammed down mine when I was a kid confessing all my dark deeds to the snake in the box.

The bag was next to the yellow box of Ratsack for a reason see drugs are poison but I was just trying to kill Kevin, the mouse. You can scroll back and see it in my dumb facebook videos if you want but you won't want and you won't believe me and I care what people think of me but I can't change that. I have the courage to change the things I changed and I have more to change because I'm changed but not everybody will see the changes in us but that's ok. Even if we show them Proof he died 2006. Doesn't mean Eminem will stop rapping about him.

Speaking of change I arrived back from Scotland with forty-seven one pound coins in a bright green purse I bought from H&M from a cranky sales assistant so I panicked and handed over a note I couldn't change the fact I couldn't understand their change. I flew across the world to feel the exact same things I feel in this Katoomba flat and when all the Scottish people asked me why I was there I answered all of them differently and never lied.

"Looking for my father."
"Taking a break."
"Checking out my roots."
"I keep asking myself that question."

This morning my son cried at the school gates because it's changeover day so I told him in the rain that I'm right here and he knows where I live and when he cracked a smile and said of course I know where you live you're my mother? I knew he'd be ok.

Just once this year I was asked the four letters RUOK but it was followed by ".. you're sounding crazy again" but this time I didn't take the bait like Kevin because I don't take poison anymore irregardless of opinions. Turns out irregardless must be a real word after all because there's no red underline spellcheck underneath it.

Mental Health Week runs from the 8th to the 14th of October. My brother died on the 15th of October. He was always quite polite but I care less, now. I accidentally put the last t-shirt he wore in the pile of dirty laundry in my hallway and even though I know I won't wash it I still care less, there's other people to grieve now. Grieving is a state of heart but it is no longer the only emotion that I feel and if you hate yourself that's good! There's still something left of you to hate.

The world will end for all of us for real one day but until then I text my grieving friend that she should have called me when she was crying lord knows she's heard me cry the ocean enough.

In the meantime I'll write literal literature bask in the heat of my fire eat properly after I edit even though it's Monday. Poor Monday telling its therapist it's hated just for being Monday. I'm sad for Mondays I'm a sad woman but sadness isn't the only emotion I feel anymore it's taken me a life to realise you don't just feel one thing all the time. Sometimes you feel everything all at once but I still won't take the poison bait if I did I wouldn't be feeling like this I'd be feeling nothing at all.

No news is new news - we're doomed to repeat our same mistakes until we're so fed up to the back teeth we change. I got forty-seven pounds of change and the weight of what you think of me weighs heavier than what you think but today is Monday and yeah I really do have writing to do clothes to wash and just because I've already made my own bed doesn't mean I'm lying in it.

::

I watched this and laughcried from pure resonance and I felt happy because I wasn't alone in not feeling happy or also having a broken headlight. So many #meetoos never whispered only thought but chicks like this remind me all over again that if you tell the truth in public, the world doesn't end.