Tuesday, 18 July 2017

"Eden You Should Blog Like You Used To." OK YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME TWICE



Recently I defended someone who was about to be bashed up, this person didn't deserve to be bashed up so I inserted myself in the middle of the mayhem and got threatened with a steel pole, wasn't til later I noticed the knife stuck on the end with masking tape lol. How the fuck am I supposed to tell people that?  I can't. Anyway luckily I escaped unharmed but I just don't like injustice in the world, always root for the underdog even when it's not my circus not my monkeys.

My sons are going overseas soon for a holiday to Turkey, Singapore, then Greece. Apparently I mean who cares about telling "the mother" the exact flight itinerary? All I'm saying is I've wanted to go to Greece for a year now for the express purpose of sussing out the Syrian refugee issue over there. Whatever. I think "Jeez I need a holiday too" so I google "volunteer in orphanages overseas" or some shit but that's not a holiday. That'd sap my life-force ffs why do I still think I can save the world at this point? Side-note: if my sons get killed in a terrorist attack in the name of allah or jesus or zeuss I will rain down vengeance. I'll fly over there, buy a gun on the black market, stick it up my pussy and kill any motherfucker who kills my children.

My mental health is Down. The. Toilet. Realising that maybe this is good as it gets like Jack said. My head keeps gravitating towards all the things that broke me and it's not healthy.

I got contacted by the filthy piece of shit who blackmailed me two years ago and if he contacts me again I will go to the police do you understand arsehole? I'll take you down. Not in the mood. You stole so much from me but thank you for making me aware of the fact that there are people in the world who ACTIVELY MANIPULATE OTHER PEOPLE. I didn't know this. Now I do.

I got sentenced to two years jail but it got suspended and if I do one, one thing wrong I will go directly to jail not stopping at go. Am seeing my parole officer today and she's told me I must comply with seeing my therapist but at this point - no. I've been in therapy since I was 19 it either has worked or hasn't worked. My therapists get this weird fascination with me and I don't like it, sometimes I feel like offering them popcorn as they listen to the explosive shocking details of my life. No. I'm not going.

I miss my brother, I miss my friend Dan, my father and two stepfathers are DED and sometimes it all overwhelms me in my brain and it feels like I'm on a roller coaster of death horror. Yesterday I was getting refills of all my prescriptions and I told my GP my new motto is "What would Carrie Fisher do?" He laughed, so did I, but it's true. Carrie Fisher is my higher power.

Like Eminem says it's apparent I shouldn't have been a parent but mistakes were made. Uncle Stevie said to me last night "Look your sons will grow up and just go yep ... I had a tripper mum." #asgoodasitgets

In conclusion, I'd prefer mania than the filth down down I been feeling for a few years now. I worry that when I'm manic people think I'm on drugs, I'm not, I'm just bipolar manic. I used to think a bipolar diagnosis was a crock of shit, not any more. Yesterday I took Rocco to the hospital to get all of my medical records pertaining to all the mental health admissions I've had IT IS HIGHLY EMBARRASSING TO BE THIS FUCKED UP. We walked into the mental health ward, it felt good to be a visitor. Rocco wanted to play the ping pong table, I had to say no.

Life is so lifey. I don't get it. Maybe one day when we die we'll be all AHHHHHH, I GET IT NOW. Maybe we won't. It's a wild world out there .. it's seems to be getting real uncertain and scary. But don't kill yourselves, we'll reach the end eventually. Besides you'll miss out on your ending and it might be a really good ending so you have to stick around to find out.



BEST LYRICS EVER. Harley Quinn is me, I am her. 

 (Comments off.)

Tuesday, 4 July 2017

Laundromats Are The New Therapy.

My favourite librarian Megan came up to the mountains with her girls, get away from Brisbane for a while. Hey Megan I found the best photo of us together!



Out of all the local landmarks and parks and places we went, Megan's new best thing in the world was the local laundromat. Said it soothed her soul, she just felt so organised and at home in there with the machines whirring and cable TV and free wi-fi. She is the Not-So-Merry Widow and I am the Gay Divorcee. It's been just two months since Dan died. We're still in shock about it and sometimes lately I feel really scared, think it was C.S. Lewis who said that he never knew that grief felt so much like fear.


At Dan's funeral, people were handed bookmarks. When she was here Megan set up a little vignette of some children loss/grieverly books she has, next to one of the bookmarks and my first pair of baby shoes. She'd found out that day was International Widow's Day. Oh my poor poor one, doing the best she can. I try make her laugh. I ask her how many people have told her she is so brave and inspirational today because we've always laughed at how people tell me that and she knows the truth of how fucked I actually am. One day she got six #inspirationals and four #sobraves. Told her we're in a competition now except we're not, I'm only competitive in board games, not death losses and how they change us UGH. FUCK. I text her the other day:

"Everybody we love keeps dying."

She text back:

"Yep."


Pretty sure Rocco downed his Magnum before George even got her wrapper off - our kids get on SO WELL.

"Hey Megan oh my god imagine if one day we are grandmothers to the same baby!!!"

All the kids heard and went, what? How?? Megan just walked off, so rude.



Ava has started calling me Aunty Eden. One of us did the hugest fart and we laughed SO HARD it reminded me of all the times her dad would send me his fart recordings until finally I sent him one back. When he could finally talk he rang me and told me he was proud even though I said it wasn't my best work. Dan never had a female friend like me. One morning here I went into Megan's bed and just laid like a puppy at her feet and cried .. it was the first time I've broken down in front of her because #sostrong and I said it was selfish of me to say but I miss him so much!! So so much - she told me it wasn't selfish. She asked me to cry for her too, so I did. Mad crying skillz, bruise. And when I cry it's also for her and her girls and the ripped-offness of what's happened. Then we look around and scratch the surface and see that everybody is going through hard things.

            EDEN YOU ARE REVOLTING STICK YOUR TONGUE OUT SO I CAN TAKE A PHOTO

We went to Leura Lolly Shop and made ourselves so sick, Megan was groaning telling me to never let her eat that much again. Later that night we had to go for a walk, shake off the sugar. The kids found a stray cat so I checked its tag: "Please Don't Feed Me." Told Megan she needs one of those tags. The next day we ate lollies again.

Told a friend the other day that I'd lost count of the number of funerals I'd been to by the time I was in my twenties .. he'd said he'd been to ONE in his life so far. I had to stop going to funerals because every funeral would have a cumulative effect triggering all the other funerals. I've been to a few these past years and I'm scared of going to any more .. you love people and they can die ugh. Terrifying.

Wrote a piece once about how you should live life every day as if you've just been to a funeral:

AWAKE AT A WAKE

Also wrote a post asking people what their funeral songs were, it was fascinating seeing all the song choices everybody made, also hilarious. "Burn Baby Burn!"

TELL ME YOUR FUNERAL SONG

Have decided we probably should all write our own funeral plans, it'd help because doing a funeral for somebody is exhausting. A list of handy hints, e.g. Cremation or bury? Which photo do you want on your casket? What songs? Any particular quotes? Do you care about the cheapest coffins? Who do you want to say your eulogy? Pallbearers? Any particular motif for your pamphlets? Do you need bouncers at your funeral to prevent hypocritical cocksuckers from attending? (Ok that one is just for me.)

Joan Rivers had it all planned out in style:


So this is spectacularly cheery but it's the stuff that litters our daily conversations. I miss Megan and the girls - my flat is way too quiet and empty when I'm the only one here. Which is why I've been blasting the hell out of my latest choice of funeral songs. Also dancing because the downstairs neighbours suddenly moved out so I can be real noisy for a while. They were a couple, been together for years, the other night he gets down on bended knee, produced a ring, asked her to marry him.

She said no. He was hurt and quite angry, I asked him what was he going to do now?

"I've already quit my job - flying to Budapest. On my own."

I said mate that's the fucken spirit, living the hell out of life before you die!!! He agreed.

I really wanted this song played at the end of Danno's funeral but it wasn't catholic enough. (Sorry man, I tried.)






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