Wednesday, 2 November 2016

My Great Tinder Experiment.

You know what's hard? Being on tinder at 1am on a Saturday, scrolling scrolling CRYING because who are all of these strange weirdos and this is where I ended up in life: scrolling tinder sadly.

I've only been on tinder a few times. At the beginning I put up a lovely pic, nice innocent bio ... then it gradually dawned on me that people were not who they claimed themselves to be. Can you believe it? True story. Tinder is the most brutal match-making app of all time. ALL TIME. Don't like somebodies name? Swipe left. A bit too ugly? Swipe left. Wearing a dodgy hat? Swipe left. Crap haircut? No soup for you. All of these could-be soulmates scattered to the left to the left. Littered. Abandoned .. I'll never know if that guy with the half-odd smile was actually a beautiful man with a great decent heart he just got swiped left because he had a half-odd smile in one photo.

Guy with lots of tattoos and looks a complete player? Swipe right. Guy who is a musician/writer/artist who looks ok and sounds pretty cool? Right.

Allow me to stop right here - guys, STOP IT WITH THE PHOTOS OF MOTORBIKES AND THE PHOTOS WITH TIGERS IN BALI. Just stop. No. There's even a few old wedding photos with the bride cropped out. And the biggest, biggest tinder sin ANYBODY can commit is to have photos of your children on your tinder profile. That's so wrong in so many ways - I get it, you love your kids. I love my kids! But just no no no. Everybody who had pics of their children with them instantly gets swiped left. And another huge biggie for me is the grammar issues. Some made me wince, some were forgivable and I overlooked. But if you say you're a "Derector" of a large international company, I'm not entirely sure you are actually a derector of anything.

So after a while, after going on and then off and then back on tinder out of sheer loneliness (or sometimes just boredom) I got really annoyed. I kept getting accused of having fake photos. Men kept asking me what my real name was. Um, Eden? Then get told I was a liar. Then get abused. Then get pressured to hook up IMMEDIATELY. There was a running theme of men being frustrated of women having fake profiles, which is probably true but not me.

So I thought, ok then. You want real real from realtown? Let's do this.

Firstly I started with a very real profile pic, indicative of where I'm at in life.

With a real bio to suit.

Well. Talk about setting a cat amongst the pigeons. I had one rule - swipe right to EVERYBODY to see what happens. Like bees to honey (or rather, flies on shit) to my utter astonishment, they came in droves. DROVES. It was fascinating, enlightening. I got into tinder fights. I found myself in incredible conversations with men talking about their own depression and mates who've died. Some called me a "breath of fresh air." Some called me "angry so angry why are you so angry?" 

There was utterly no bullshit from me in any interaction with anyone during this time. I was quite a smartness though, just couldn't help myself. Here's one of the pics from the very first guy I matched with:

Is that a turn on, or what?

In less than an hour I'd run out of "likes" which I'm not even sure what that means but it was utterly hilarious.

So, I proudly present to you - some highlights of my Great Tinder Experiment.

No wonder Danny lost at gambling because it's a numbers game and he wrote "addition" instead of "addiction." 

This guy sent me a polar bear GIF straight off the bat. I was sent lots of GIFs, but this still remains my favourite. Cute.

I noticed very quickly that a lot of men did not care about my profile or conversation they were keen to meet up anyway.

But some were annoyed and gave me tips. Alex told me to stay VERY positive, not just positive. 

"Just got out of jail, need somewhere to stay." At least Bash was honest.

This guy was holding his kill like he was driving a car. Revolting.

Gentlemen, there is such a thing as too many emojis. Just no.

Most guys really did not give two shits about what I was saying to them. It was so much fun.

Heard nothing back from Michael.

This guy said he could totally handle the crazy! But I never heard back :(

I asked James what kind of breed was Lol? He said "what the fuck are you talking about?" I said "Your dog, Lol." Never heard back.

Never heard back from Dennis.

I pointed out to this guy that I could see the words "car dealership" up the top of his photo. Never heard back.

I never replied to Edward. Wasn't just the your/you're. He just irritated me. 

At least things were getting a bit more honest.

This electrician just nailed it. NAILED IT.

Then I opened up my account to include women as well, but that's a whole different story. After all the flurry in a few days, I got bored. I had no intention of meeting any of these men .. to be honest, looking at the date stamp on the time I did this, it was right at my brothers death anniversary so maybe I did it for distraction. You know what happened next? I wrote the truth. I also changed my profile photo to a hot boob pic, but that's not the point. I wrote my absolute truth of why I was on tinder.

I don't believe in soulmates, but I do believe in a really true and madly intense and passionate love. Anybody who really gets to feel and have that in their lifetime, however briefly, needs to surrender to a love like that. I strongly doubt that will ever happen for me. I'm too much for most people hell I'm too much for ME. Luckily we all get our love supplies from different places. Family, children, pets, creativity, passion, friends.

My tinder replies and matches after that were completely different. Writing what I was actually really looking for made me feel stupid and vulnerable. Or maybe for once I just couldn't handle my own truth. It felt so weird .. especially after somebody sent me this.


I didn't want to waste anybodies time anymore so I deleted my account for good - vale ye, tinder. You served me well.

Related: I really need to get myself a dog.

(Comments on my blog are still turned off but if you're on the dreaded Facebook you can comment over there if you like. How the HELL does anybody meet people anymore?)

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Write to be understood, speak to be heard. - Lawrence Powell

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