"The time has come," the Walrus said
To talk of many things:
Of shoes - and ships - and sealing-wax -
Of cabbages - and kings -
And why the sea is boiling hot -
And whether pigs have wings."
Hello I'm on the cover of the latest issue of one of the best magazines in existence: Dumbo Feather.
BUT NOT IS ALL AS IT SEEMS. Is it ever?
Without wanting to spoil the interview with spoilers but spoiler alert: I love how they chose this photo as one of the main ones. Because it was an impromptu one that my photographer artist neighbour Jeff Davies snapped as I was looking at Rocco. I guess it was chosen because of the love in my eyes. Kids need to see their parents look at them with love in their eyes. They need that so much.
I didn't want to do the interview. I tried to cancel it with the editor Berry but she wouldn't let me and then my phone rang and UGHHH so nervous. Ten seconds in she told me she was just as nervous. Five minutes in I realised I love this woman. And two hours in? Well, the entire conversation had us all turned around and excited and talking and talking about rich, beautiful, scary, dark light spiritual messy stuff. That conversation with Berry buoyed me for weeks and weeks afterwards. She reminded me of who I am? She didn't judge? She made me LAUGH. I told her that when the magazine came out in three months time I just didn't know where I would be - emotionally, mentally, physically. I felt completely worn down and unworthy of the interview but the longer it went on my spark came back up and soon we talked about bonfires. I kept asking her questions about her because everybody is interesting.
I love this photo ... how confident and self-assured do I look! But a few hours after the shoot I felt something odd in my jeans so I reached down and pulled out underpants from the day before, all scrunched up. Rocco unfortunately saw this.
"Mum, what the hell is that?"
"Oh. Well, why are they there?"
"Um, I just ..."
Then he lost interest anyway so we went back to watching the movie in the living room where we do our living. Eating popcorn. He was unperturbed, so used to my strangeness by now. I'm the mother he was dealt.
He was STOKED to have made it into the magazine. I've no idea what we were looking at on the computer PROBABLY A BOTTLE FLIPPING YOUTUBE VIDEO DON'T GET ME STARTED.
In the interview I talked a lot about my sons and being a mother. Berry asked me the best questions, confessed that she was hesitant to talk about my dark because there's dark, and then there's dark dark.
A dark dark here and a dark dark there but guess what, not everybody is a dark dark.
Do you think we choose our lives before we come to planet earth? Maybe we choose some themes and a brief outline and just wing it as we go along, free will and all that. But don't we just get thrust into some boiling cauldrons along the way of which surely we didn't ask to be thrown into. Sometimes I look around at people going through horrendous things and wonder why other people don't go through such horrendous things? Conundrumosity city.
If I knew this was going to be the cover photo I would have done my hair properly. Also makeup, eyebrows, smiled differently, maybe not cried so much right before the photo was taken by Jeff in a Camellia bush in the Carrington Hotel garden. But then if I'd gone to all that trouble it wouldn't be this photo and this photo is who I am in life right now. Bit worn-out, battle-weary, sad, still here, hopeful. There's no bullshit in this photo. The team at Dumbo Feather say it's one of their favourite covers ever. And one of their favourite interviews ever. And I'm so proud of that. Really grateful. And humble can you be proud and humble at the same time? Whatever moving on ..
I thought Cheryl Strayed was going to be in this issue and on the cover so the night before Berry rang me for the interview I watched the movie Wild starring Reese Witherspoon which was based on Cheryl's book. (Yes Megan I can hear your eye-rolling from here, I will actually read Cheryl's book I promise.)
I've known about Cheryl since back when she was Dear Sugar, before she used her real name. I remember vividly when she revealed her true identity back in 2012. So obviously I had to be as un-Cheryl Strayed in my interview as I could to mix things up. Told Berry straight-up I don't know how this interview was going to pan out because I was in a state of tormented flux at the time and I can't wrap my life up in a big pink bow. Of course she didn't even expect me too - but jeez she ended the written interview in the magazine BRILLIANTLY. I won't spoil the ending, but sometimes a pink bow is a pair of cowboy boots. Sometimes when we reveal our true identity to the world - well, it just cuts through a lot of crap and you can almost hear other people sigh in relief and recognition.
The magazine is out now. The owner of a local news agency asked me what was my interview about and it's the same when people ask what this website is about. "Ummm, just life and stuff. Going through things. Recovery death dark light suicide mothering love hate all of the things." And he stopped me and told me that his own sister had taken her own life, years ago. Suicide is an epidemic of which we are inching closer to talking about properly. Had the best talk with that newsagency proprietor. He promised me he'd put up a big poster outside his shop and he DID. And last weekend I was walking past with Rocco who clocked it first and actually made ME stop and pose for a photo instead of the other way around.
"Mum are you famous?"
I was sad that day too for the love of heavens please make the sad stop. I'm back at the gym and eating really well, it's shifting things.
Here's a snippet where we talked about Spirit and unseen stuff and the annoyance of objects.
So, that's the end of my magazine story. It really is a MAGNIFICENT magazine, so good to hold in your actual hands. Thick and heavy, bursting with substance and stories with different and incredible people. If you've come here for the first time - hello, nice to meet you. I've been writing here for many years. A lot of life happened and hey guess what, there's still a lot of life yet to happen. Feel free to go back and look at some earlier entries I've written. The dark dark ones are full-on can you handle that y/n.
I'm sorry but for now, my comment section on this website is turned off. If you want to say hello or send some kind of smoke signal, please email me at email@example.com
I realised I have a LOT in common with Cheryl Strayed after watching Wild oh my goodness the very last scene made me cry such a beautiful cry.
Ever noticed how there's a whole host of different cries? Not all cries are sad. We cry during births, deaths, marriages. Heaps of weeps to be had.
Some cries can even make you realise a whole heap of things you needed to know right in that very moment.
"The Walrus and the Carpenter
Were walking close at hand;
They wept like anything to see
Such quantities of sand:
"If this were only cleared away." they said,
"It WOULD be grand."
"Do you suppose." the Walrus said,
"That they could get it clear?"
"I doubt it." said the Carpenter.
And shed a bitter tear.
- The Walrus and the Carpenter
by Lewis Carroll