Monday, 24 October 2016

Know When To Fold Them.

Told my friend Mary (full of grace) recently that yeah I have bipolar but often it feels like it has me. I hate labels but I guess we do need them to understand things better. For example, a chair is called "a chair" because "a sit-down kind of thingo" is just long and too convoluted. Humans like our labels, makes things easier to understand. But it does suck to be labelled because you can kind of feel trapped and stuck and I keep wanting to prove that I'm other things too. Last week my cousin's one year old son covertly steals my Dyno label-maker from my kitchen bench and pretended to call his mother on it. "HAI MUM!" It was so cute. To him it was a phone, not a label-maker.

It's taking a long time to even acknowledge that my mental health issues are even real let alone accepting and dealing with them. Especially after living in a heightened state of trauma for quite a few years. Hopefully the clearing in the forest of bullshit is coming, soon. This piece on The Mighty about the hard lessons of having bipolar struck so close to home and helped me understand my own behaviour.


So hard, and embarrassing. AND HARD. The article ends with a quote written by George R.R. Martin for the character Tyrion Lannister from Game of Thrones.

He's talking about his dwarfism to Jon Snow, but he's pertaining it to Jon Snow being a bastard son. Pertaining is a good word. I pertain it to things relevant to me .. bipolar, mental health, "being crazy" .. struggling with substance abuse issues. Chronic and debilitating depression. Just fuckedness in general, really. We ALL got our shit and crosses to bear hey maybe it's all in how we carry them. With style .. a certain sense of exuberant case of the whatevers, here's my cross and I'm carrying it out loud. You can carry yours tucked away in your pocket so nobody sees that's cool. Just try not judge the blatant cross-carriers.

Anyway what the hell do I know. Just yesterday I was wondering if I actually was just a ghost going through the motions of the world because some days it sure as hell feels like it.

Part of the fighting is in the giving up. But giving up in a positive way. Bono says it's good to always remain teachable but holy shitballs ... the lessons involved in remaining teachable is like swallowing a tonne of cement that me and only me has created. Hard to stomach.

Before Christmas I'm buying a hiking backpack to go hike somewhere. The guy in the shop said there's some beautiful places in Western Australia, or the Hinterlands. I smiled and asked him where the Hinterlands were and he just told me without batting an eyelid that I didn't know such a basic thing. I said "Don't judge me" and he said "I'm not" and I believed him. So now I know where the Hinterlands are.

I don't care if this all sounds weird and doesn't make sense to most but hey guess what - a label-maker can also be a phone. Not everyone defines people by their labels. How cool is that.

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Write to be understood, speak to be heard. - Lawrence Powell

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