I Keep Snooping On The People In The Hotel Carpark.

This one night I heard a woman screaming in the hotel directly next to my place. I saw straight into her room, pacing around. "MY ARM! YOU HURT MY ARM! YOU BROKE MY ARM!" I kind of knew her arm wasn't broken, dunno why.

Watching transfixed, that familiar feeling of adrenaline and relief that it wasn't me that was in trouble. She stopped. I went back inside from my balcony. Five minutes later she started up again and I thought FUCK. Now I have a civic duty to help. You knew how some poor soul gets violently murdered and the neighbours get interviewed saying "Well, we did hear screaming and a ruckus." 
So, you didn't think to call the cops or do something? Ugh. Had to put on my ugg boots walk out into the rain, I got three umbrellas you think I can find one?

Annoyed at the interruption to my otherwise usual night of penance solitude, I slipped over on the steps outside reception because a German guy pushed past me?

I said "OH EXCUSE ME SORRY." Oblivious German guy checks in and it takes ages. I stood behind him judging his clothes, his accent, his luggage. What a Dickward Street.

Told the lovely receptionist I'd heard screaming from the room three windows across from the top floor. She looked concerned, thanked me, said she'd look into it. Civic duty DONE so when I got interviewed by the media the next day I'd look good because I'd reported it.

I'm so jealous of the people coming in and out of that hotel! It's fun to stay in hotels. Obviously they've come up to the mountains for a great getaway. Groups of middle-aged couples, honeymooners, bunches of 20-something people who appear to have their shit together. I hear them talking. "Ok we'll go up and buy some fruit, let's all meet up at the restaurant after the bushwalk." Wow. People doing normal good things with friends. Here the redhead alien sits, watching people lives go by.

The worst is seeing the children. Piling out of cars, yelling, shouting crying laughing, being turds, safe with their parents. Bet their mum never abandoned them out of desperation to spare them from a mum who is capable of abandoning them even if she thought it was for their own good. It was just for a few months a year ago but now it's prolonged not by my choice maybe that's how it's supposed to be right now. Acceptance is hard. But it's not about me, anymore.

Anyways so these happy families, ugh. Fuck off happy families no offence. It HOITS.

Sometimes people are out in the parking lot lighting cigars, shooting the shit, and they look up at me looking down at them and I either duck or quickly look the other way pretending I'm not looking at them. Wondering what their story is.

Jeff my neighbour sat down next to me one morning and I told him my Envious Parking Lot Predicament. It was a while back, just after I asked him to drive me to the psych ward and I only lasted there three days until the docs deemed I didn't have to be there, lol. There's a difference between mental illness and just having a heart so broken it sends you into abyss.

He turned it all around in just one sentence. "Eden, you have no idea why these people are here or what they're going through."

Wow.

How many of the hotel carpark people are here to attend a funeral? Have a dysfunctional family reunion they're dreading? The happy honeymooners could actually be on the last legs of their long marriage I mean major props for desperately trying to save what cannot be saved. The elderly group of people together for their very last hurrah? The two random strangers on a weird tinder date at midnight and the guy's into piss sex and the chick runs out of the room and SHE'S the one who paid for the room even when she's broke. The family of beautiful people in a mini-van who just got harassed on the freeway up here by an irate driver just because of the colour of their skin. Sad desperate hookers. I don't feel better at these scenarios or people's misery it just makes me more connected to humanity and not so Robinson Crusoe.

There actual families with young children screaming and crying and the mother yells at the father and the grandmother chimes in saying "JUST GET THE BABY OUT AND I'LL HOLD HER WHILE YOU CHECK IN TO OUR ROOM" and they don't know they're being watched but I'm watching. Not judging, not smug. Just watching.

Obviously there's happy people still driving in for a happy adventure and people derive joy from life, which is so cool. Feels good to mean that instead of being bitter. I don't want life to turn me bitter.

Doesn't matter if you step out of a pristine white four-wheel drive Porsche or a dusty Commodore .. we all got baggage in the boot.

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I Believe We've Waited Long Enough.

Towards the end of the video I got icing on my face. Just letting you. Below is a pic of my bro Cameron, happy out on the tiles somewhere overseas with his beautiful girlfriend at the time.

Happy birthday in the afterlife, Bamm-Bamm. Love Pebbles xxxx

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Just Random Shit, You Guys.

I plucked a grey nipple hair but we'll get to that later.

Fuck there's dark shit in me. I've read that terrible people awaken the terrible parts of ourselves but I'm probably the terrible person who's awakened the terrible parts of other people. You know how you read all the inspirational quotes like "People have been so mean and awful but you're amazing?" Umm newsflash - that's so not the case in many ways ... sometimes we are the mean arseholes who need to look at ourselves and do better.

I've got a massive headache today but I've got to stay away from the codeine because codeine. Can't believe how it's so readily available over the counter here in Australia - it's not like that in America at all. A lot of people die from complications of legal pharmaceuticals. Someone should do something.

Oh my god so many nights this past year (years? MY WHOLE LIFE?) ... I've wailed and crumbled and shouted at god and can't feel any guardian angels and wonder what was so bad about me that people treated me like shit when I was trying to grow up. Reminding myself yet again not to use that as an excuse to have all the self-pity but seriously. Lately my Uncle Steve has phoned me at night when it's the worst and just laughing and talking and crying has helped in so many ways. He doesn't judge me that I'm a total fucked loser with no job and I'm honest with him instead of pretending. It's vital as fuck to feel not alone. His three daughters are my cousins but actually sisters really.

I'm glad I live in a block of flats because it feels like a hotel and I can hear other people talking and fucking and shouting and I feel part of it. I'm SO sorry to the couple who live underneath my apartment because I always forget to take my boots off, I'm so LOUD. Sometimes I drop both remote controls onto the floor at 2am when I can't sleep and don't want to take Seroquel but have to anyway otherwise I can't sleep. The remotes CLUNK onto my wooden floorboards and I say out loud but quietly - "I am so sorry downstairs people." 

I'm driving this cute little shitbox car which I got ripped off when I had to trade it in for rent money. The first month I was all, but, where's my sunroof? HOW DO I REVERSE PARK WITH NO REVERSE PARK CAMERA? How do I know where to drive with no GPS? For years I've been living life with "stuff" that I took for granted .. but I was never a spendy wife (ok except for cowboy boots) and after everything I saw on World Vision trips overseas in African refugee camps? I came back more changed each time, feeling like a complete arsehole for everything I have and take for granted. Always will. Good.

I got one CD in my car - Beyonce. When I get sick of it I tune into the radio, how SHIT is commercial radio? Listening to Kyle Sandilands who was having this rant about how revolting chin hairs are on women. Jackie O was doing her usual bullshit half-hearted placating and said it was normal but he said chin hairs on women were disgusting and he could never be with a woman who had chin hairs so I'd like Kyle to know that I have chin hairs AND I'm a strong woman who wouldn't fuck him if I got paid 20k which is enough to buy a newish car with a reverse camera. Which I don't want. And Kyle ... not only did I pluck a nipple hair the other week, but that nipple hair was grey as fuck. I inspected it in the bright sunshine of my bathroom. And didn't care - isn't growing older supposed to be a gift?

I'm turning comments off this site indefinitely - dunno why. Most things don't have a reason. I never blogged for comments anyway ... Siri what is blog anymore? Swear to god if I had a dollar every time someone used me or my platform or my contacts to build themselves up and be successful online and earn money, I'd have a couple of hundred bucks. No shade - just observing.

I'm on Facebook a lot - I know, Facebook blows but it's there and it's good when you cut through all the crap and connect and laugh with people.

That's it, it's all I got. Keep trucking, regardless. My brothers birthday is coming up and I REFUSE TO GET OVERWHELMED BY IT. There's two guys out there whose birthdays are so much more important - I know this for a fact, I was there. The actual birthing portal time machine, that's what I was. Still am - irregardless. And irregardless isn't even a real word.

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The Wall Of Dead White Males.

(TRIGGER WARNING: CONTAINS IMAGES OF NOOSES)

One morning when I was in Darwin with Annie she made me get up and go to the markets with her. Which was good, but I took some convincing to get out of the door because society. She promised me we'd be back in half an hour so we went .. best markets ever. I took a photo of a truck because it was cool. And green. (It's not easy.)

The market stalls were being packed up. I followed Annie around the corner .. had to keep up, that girl moves FAST.

                                              Banksyesque

As soon as we walked in we were literally confronted with this.

An exhibition called "The Most Stolen Race On Earth." It was like a suckerpunch.

Out of all of it, this is the one thing that has stayed with me ... "The Wall of Dead White Males." 

There's all the celebrated guys over history that we all fawn over and quote - Socrates, Plato, Nietzsche, etc. The big thinkers .. a bunch of white guys lauded for their exceptional insight and wisdom and knowledge. Which they did have - but imagine the collective knowledge and wisdom that died with all of the murdered and disenfranchised Aboriginal people, gone forever and taking with them the legacy of everything they knew and experienced.

All the things we didn't even know that we needed to know.

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