The Change.

I went through the change when I hit seventeen years old ... angry at being polite, angry of being meek, having no voice, at everything that happened, angry at moving schools again, playing by the rules, doing what I was told, having nowhere to put my pain. I was ANGRY.

My Year 12 photo day arrived, I sat to have my photo taken. For some reason, I decided I didn't want to smile. I was so sick of fake smiling in photos. Most photos of me I was always fake-smiling. I didn't want to fake smile so I didn't.

I just sat there and looked at the camera.

"Smile!"
"I don't want to smile."
(Oh my god the fear but power of being defiant.)
"C'mon you have to smile. Smile."
"I don't want to smile."

The photo guy put his camera down.
"You have to smile."
I'll never forget looking him straight in the eyes.

"I'm paying for this photo and I don't want to smile."

He was so annoyed, picked his camera up, click. I got up from the chair and walked away feeling ..  some kind of ember burning in me for the first time?

And then I left school. And then all of this stuff happened. And today I turn 44 years old which is a bit miraculous considering.

Hello 44 it's nice to meet you. I think you're some kind of master number or something. So. This is my life and I will not smile if I don't want to.