Monday, 14 December 2015

The Spider And The Sex Doll.

What's a spider got to do with a sex-doll? I'll tell you what. It all happened yesterday.

Yesterday was a corker of emotions. In the late afternoon my friend Kelly came over and I was feeling too many feelings to even cry so she said right. Let's go for a walk. I told her I knew she was going to say that. We went for a walk together and I just listened to my thoughts and let them go after  they came into my brain. The walk was beautiful. Keep forgetting I live in a magical part of the world.

                                            Blue.

Got home, bid Kelly farewell, made some dinner. Read for a bit. Felt a bit lost. But that's ok .. these pesky feelings come and then we let them go. Then they're back and we let them go. Again and again until I'm all FUCK OFF HEAD I AM DOING THE BEST I CAN AND IF THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR OTHER PEOPLE THEN SO BE IT.

So, be it.

At about 10pm I wasn't tired so decided to put on a DVD - the last series of Game of Thrones which my cousin Marina lent me last week. I'd already lent Kelly Vikings to watch. We're all old-school, with our DVD's.

As I was lowering the blind in the living room I saw something out of the corner of my eye so big, and so dark, my heart just fell. Oh god no. Anything but that. Please please no.

APPARENTLY YES.


Yep. It's hard for me to even insert that photo into this post and I have to glaze my eyes over like a Krispy Kreme donut and not look at it because LOOK AT IT.

LOOK AT IT.

I freaked and ran into the kitchen, hyperventilating and shaking. I can do moths, cockroaches, bugs, snakes, polar bears. I've taken a piss in the middle of a safari park in Uganda on the lookout for lions just roaming around. I say hello to warthogs. I can do all of those things but I cannot. Do. Huntsman. Spiders.

There's a succession of reasons why. It all started with Raiders of the Lost Ark remember that scene with the guy with the spiders on his back? Traumatised for life. Then one day when I was about ten years old I was sitting on the toilet at home and there was this big hairy huntsman motherfucker about a metre away from my scared, quivering little face. I sat frozen for - ten minutes? Half an hour? It was so hairy and big and looking at me with all of its eyyeeessssssss.

It's a well-documented fact that I cannot with huntsmen. Cannot. When Cam was living with me we were standing outside talking in the driveway and for some reason the subject came to spiders and I said Cam, I really can't talk about it.

You know what my fucker brother said to me with an evil glint in his eye?

"Eed ... look around you. We're in the middle of bushland. Imagine the thousands of huntsmen spiders around you right now."

I ran inside screaming I HATE YOU CAAAAMMMMM and he just laughed so hard.

So last night it was 11pm and I started texting people who lived nearby. "Are you awake? There's a massive huntsman on the wall in my lounge room." A few people replied but most were asleep. My friend Naomi was no use, laughing at me via text. I told her she was dead to me.

So I did what everybody would do in this day and age and posted a video of the Spider Situation onto Facebook.

video

Terrifying. I was terrified. My mum is a night owl so I text her and she made me feel better and made me laugh and said she would drive here and kill it for me but it would take her three hours and it was almost midnight. I was a little bit hysterical. She suggested that maybe it was Cam coming back as a huntsman to teach me to finally deal with my huntsman phobia? God I love my mum.

There was no way I could go to sleep with that beast in here THE SPIDER IS CALLING .. FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE.

I was left with one option. One. So I did it. There was no other way, don't you see?

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                                        Yep. 

I live very close to Katoomba Police station. I ran across asking them for help, said look I know it's ridiculous but I'm terrified and I understand if you can't do this but I'd really appreciate your help this spider is HUGE.

It took a while for them to get here. You know why? Because they had a call-out to remove a blow-up sex doll from nearby bushland. I said jeez guys, I hope you wore gloves. 

People were telling me on Facebook that huntsmen came in pairs which is a MYTH YOU GUYS STOP IT. But am I ever so glad that the police come in pairs because that policeman standing behind the spider-killing policeman was much needed backup in case the spider just randomly started to fly around the room which it easily could have done. It was like a genetically modified spider. Capable of anything. The policeman said it was the biggest huntsman he had ever seen. I was hiding in the kitchen while he swatted it and one of them said it was gone and I said WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S GONE and he said no, he meant it's gone - it's dead. Then he picked it up by one leg and it was as big as a baby calf carcass I'm telling you.

I could not thank them enough. They were even so kind as to take the entire dead spider out of the building. I couldn't have had that thing in my garbage bin because spider zombie.

It was so late I gave up on watching Game of Thrones and took myself to bed. Exhilarated, god I felt so much better. You know when you feel like shit and then some disaster occurs and then the disaster gets solved and you just feel incrementally better?

I laughed so hard. Until a moth flew into my face and I kept seeing dark spider shadows everywhere and I was worried that some kind of bug was in my bed with me. I had to put my hoodie over my head.

You know who would love this story? My brother. If he was still alive I would have called him up that late because he always called me up late and I would have said Cam, I just called the police to kill a huntsman.

This is exactly what he would have said without missing a beat because nothing I told him ever shocked him:

"Of course you did, Eed."

And I imagined his twinkly eyes shining bright at his dickhead sister. And it was good.


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