My grandmother always used to call me a "deep well." Ironic that I have been so deeply unwell for ... my whole life? Maybe. I never started this blog to end up on Mediawatch. Like Macklemore says, I never ever did it for a throne. What happens when you finally outrun your shadow?
You keep running. Free. If my nan was still alive I'd tell her all about my dream the other night .. my first flying dream in over a decade! But there was a hell of a lot of dark valleys to fly through. Are you allowed to start a sentence with but? I just did. Know the rules to break them, etc. I was telling my stepfather something once and I ended my sentence with "but." He looked at me arrogantly.
"Eden, you should never end a sentence with "but.""
I shot back - "You just did."
It was rare for me to speak up. He ordered me out of the room LOL. Sayonara. He never knew exactly who he was step-parenting. Cam got all his love and that was fine by me because Cam deserved all the love in the world. I never really felt like I did?
Yeah I need a shrink - only because I'm so huge. I also think I'm an undeserving piece of shit so there's that.
Anyway in my flying dream, shit got lucid. I LOVE lucid dreaming - dreams you have when you become aware that you're dreaming so you can do anything you want because you're the boss of your own dream. Used to do it all the time when I was a kid. Dreams were my escape .. I was in charge, I'd walk into lolly shops and just take all the lollies because this was my dream. And then, like those scenes in Inception, whatever I thought would become real, unfold in front of me like a magic carpet.
When I was seven years old I had a dream I was an ant and when I woke up I couldn't remember if I was an ant who was actually a girl, or a girl who was actually an ant. True story.
I only ever have flying dreams when my Spirit is low. The other night as I flew through the crevices and dark places, I had to consciously believe in God to get higher. So I consciously believed in God and man. I was an eagle who caught the wind like riding a wave in the ocean and I didn't even need to do the work. I was just propelled forward by unseen forces. When I doubted, I went lower and had to flap my arms really hard and turn my face to the sun to get higher.
Best.
The highlight of my week was in Katoomba Library the other day. There was a big queue, I was next to be served but the lady in front of me was sitting down making a bit of a loud kerfuffle. (Kerfuffle!) She's sitting there with about seven books in front of her and two DVD's, and she can't find her library card. She was muttering, gradually she got louder.
"I was born with a mental illness you know. Born with one. I can't find my library card I was born with a mental illness."
The librarian was very official. "If you've lost your card, it will cost $4.60 to get a new one."
The lady got distressed. People behind me were bristling and in a rush. (Obviously they were all brain surgeons in a hurry for their next operation. Everybody's always in such a rush. Slow down. We're all dying one day at a time. Or living. One or the other.)
Anyway I suddenly remember the lady in front of me from the Blue Fringe Arts Literary Awards last year (Holy shit that post.) It was the lady in the rainbow knitted jumper! The librarian told her if she paid a dollar, she'd be allowed to borrow her books. She sat there slowly counting out her coins, lots of dirty five cent pieces. She didn't have a dollar. I couldn't help myself (so I thought I'd help her HA) ... I crouched next to her and asked if I could buy her a new library card. She looked at me with dignity.
"NO thank you. I was born with a mental illness I just want to borrow some books why do I need a dollar?"
She looked around, looked back up at me, into my eyes she said "I was born with a mental illness."
And I said "So was I. That makes two of us."
She warmed to me. I told her I remembered sitting next to her at the awards last year and she had a beautiful rainbow jumper on. She recognised me! "YOU WON AN AWARD!" I said yes, I did.
There were about ten people behind us at this point - suddenly the wind changed and everything kind of shifted and they all become softer - silent, listening to our exchange and kind of leant in like trees. It was like standing on the corner with strangers waiting for a break in the rain before you make a run for it. We were all in the same boat. Recognised each others humanity.
The lady said again - "I was born with a mental illness you know. One in five people are."
"I know - I was born with a mental illness too. That makes us two in ten!"
She laughed. And her shoulders relaxed and she asked me if I wouldn't mind ... could I possibly buy her a new library card? I said I would LOVE to buy her a new library card and I don't care if my motivation was making myself feel better I was having a shitty day terrified to even walk up the street but I MADE it to that library, to her, and I bought her a new card that when she held in her hands her eyes sparkled. "Ohhhh ... they're all fancy now!" And all of the people behind me and the lady and even the librarian? We were all one.
Fancy.
::
Last night I had my headphones on and listened to this song in the rain, over and over. In a carpark next to a pile of broken things that nobody wanted anymore and I felt ok. Even though I didn't get the Art Deco flat I applied for - probably because I have a mental illness. Whatever. Shove your flat up your but.
You keep running. Free. If my nan was still alive I'd tell her all about my dream the other night .. my first flying dream in over a decade! But there was a hell of a lot of dark valleys to fly through. Are you allowed to start a sentence with but? I just did. Know the rules to break them, etc. I was telling my stepfather something once and I ended my sentence with "but." He looked at me arrogantly.
"Eden, you should never end a sentence with "but.""
I shot back - "You just did."
It was rare for me to speak up. He ordered me out of the room LOL. Sayonara. He never knew exactly who he was step-parenting. Cam got all his love and that was fine by me because Cam deserved all the love in the world. I never really felt like I did?
Yeah I need a shrink - only because I'm so huge. I also think I'm an undeserving piece of shit so there's that.
Anyway in my flying dream, shit got lucid. I LOVE lucid dreaming - dreams you have when you become aware that you're dreaming so you can do anything you want because you're the boss of your own dream. Used to do it all the time when I was a kid. Dreams were my escape .. I was in charge, I'd walk into lolly shops and just take all the lollies because this was my dream. And then, like those scenes in Inception, whatever I thought would become real, unfold in front of me like a magic carpet.
When I was seven years old I had a dream I was an ant and when I woke up I couldn't remember if I was an ant who was actually a girl, or a girl who was actually an ant. True story.
I only ever have flying dreams when my Spirit is low. The other night as I flew through the crevices and dark places, I had to consciously believe in God to get higher. So I consciously believed in God and man. I was an eagle who caught the wind like riding a wave in the ocean and I didn't even need to do the work. I was just propelled forward by unseen forces. When I doubted, I went lower and had to flap my arms really hard and turn my face to the sun to get higher.
Best.
The highlight of my week was in Katoomba Library the other day. There was a big queue, I was next to be served but the lady in front of me was sitting down making a bit of a loud kerfuffle. (Kerfuffle!) She's sitting there with about seven books in front of her and two DVD's, and she can't find her library card. She was muttering, gradually she got louder.
"I was born with a mental illness you know. Born with one. I can't find my library card I was born with a mental illness."
The librarian was very official. "If you've lost your card, it will cost $4.60 to get a new one."
The lady got distressed. People behind me were bristling and in a rush. (Obviously they were all brain surgeons in a hurry for their next operation. Everybody's always in such a rush. Slow down. We're all dying one day at a time. Or living. One or the other.)
Anyway I suddenly remember the lady in front of me from the Blue Fringe Arts Literary Awards last year (Holy shit that post.) It was the lady in the rainbow knitted jumper! The librarian told her if she paid a dollar, she'd be allowed to borrow her books. She sat there slowly counting out her coins, lots of dirty five cent pieces. She didn't have a dollar. I couldn't help myself (so I thought I'd help her HA) ... I crouched next to her and asked if I could buy her a new library card. She looked at me with dignity.
"NO thank you. I was born with a mental illness I just want to borrow some books why do I need a dollar?"
She looked around, looked back up at me, into my eyes she said "I was born with a mental illness."
And I said "So was I. That makes two of us."
She warmed to me. I told her I remembered sitting next to her at the awards last year and she had a beautiful rainbow jumper on. She recognised me! "YOU WON AN AWARD!" I said yes, I did.
There were about ten people behind us at this point - suddenly the wind changed and everything kind of shifted and they all become softer - silent, listening to our exchange and kind of leant in like trees. It was like standing on the corner with strangers waiting for a break in the rain before you make a run for it. We were all in the same boat. Recognised each others humanity.
The lady said again - "I was born with a mental illness you know. One in five people are."
"I know - I was born with a mental illness too. That makes us two in ten!"
She laughed. And her shoulders relaxed and she asked me if I wouldn't mind ... could I possibly buy her a new library card? I said I would LOVE to buy her a new library card and I don't care if my motivation was making myself feel better I was having a shitty day terrified to even walk up the street but I MADE it to that library, to her, and I bought her a new card that when she held in her hands her eyes sparkled. "Ohhhh ... they're all fancy now!" And all of the people behind me and the lady and even the librarian? We were all one.
::
Last night I had my headphones on and listened to this song in the rain, over and over. In a carpark next to a pile of broken things that nobody wanted anymore and I felt ok. Even though I didn't get the Art Deco flat I applied for - probably because I have a mental illness. Whatever. Shove your flat up your but.
I'm still ok. Much, much more than ok. I'm an ant who can fly.
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Write to be understood, speak to be heard. - Lawrence Powell