Wednesday, 6 May 2015


Last night I went to a very well-known website where you can chat online to somebody when you're in a crisis. You know all that stuff about "just get help" ... I thought I'd try it because it was after midnight and I didn't want to bug any of my friends and wake them up. So I key in how old I am, if I was at risk for suicide, and have I ever sought help before. Then sat there waiting. Then some rules came up so I thought ok I better read the rules.

I'd been re-directed to an Asian women dating site. The funniest, most ridiculous surreal thing EVER. I laughed so hard I cried. Man I felt better - then up in the real get-help chatbox came "Hello. What kind of day have you had today?" It was so stilted I almost wrote back "Are you actually a robot y/n" but I just clicked off and watched two hours of the best worst show in the world, Revenge. Then I went to sleep and woke up feeling better - for no reason at all. Feelings change and shift. I always forget that.

I had that picture especially framed for my brother, years ago. It's a limited edition print I bought off eBay with my credit card. I've been paying off my credit for years now, still no end in sight. The last time I saw my brother I walked him out to his car and then I remembered I'd been storing the picture while he was in Western Australia working at the mines he never should have been working at because the fly in fly out lifestyle is not conducive for people like him. At all. He stood there patiently as I ran inside to find it for him, I looked everywhere and took ages but I couldn't find it. When I walked back outside I could tell that he was just being polite by waiting. That he never wanted it back. By that stage, he didn't want anything but death. I hugged him and told him I'd give it to him the next time I saw him. He drove off and I wondered if that was the last time I was ever going to see him again. It was.

I can't even really talk about him anymore. Mute. It all hit me pretty badly ... finally my anger wore down and burnt itself out. Being so angry has proved exhausting. I'm not angry anymore. Just burnt, tired, and confused.

I live to see my boys and be a good mum. That's all I want right now. This guy has a birthday soon and has asked for a poo cake.

This guy is a man already. I quickly need to teach him all the things he needs to know before he grows up entirely and I hardly ever see him. I still need to teach him so much.

When I don't have my kids I eat shit like this for dinner - it's double thick custard on top of hot custard danish. I keep eating custard - every day. In honour of my friend Beth who is due to have a baby ANY DAY NOW. A baby .... a real live actual brand new baby in the world. New babies bring hope like nothing else can. I'm pretty sure Beth is going to have a boy. But yesterday I thought it might be a girl and I really want to name her baby so I keep sending her through baby names so I just emailed her: "MARIGOLD MACDONALD YOU'RE WELCOME." (Which is technically Lady Judith's daughters name from the latest series of Downton Abbey.)

Anyway I feel stronger. I even walk with purpose again. So many people ask me how I get through the stuff I've gotten through in my life and lately my answer has been "I don't." But maybe I can and will. I hope so. I'm trying really hard.

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Write to be understood, speak to be heard. - Lawrence Powell

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