Wednesday, 17 December 2014

We Just Left On A Whim.

I'm outta here. Gone. Up in the sky right now with my two boys, on our way to Queensland to stay in a hotel with a pool and do all of the worlds - Dreamworld, Movieworld, Wet'n'Wild World. Not Griefworld - they have seen me living there far too long and I will not spoil their holidays. I want them to be blissfully unaware of the worlds problems while they still can. I will not stay a minute longer in this house where all the sad memories are. I cry in the street about foreign aid cuts because babies will die of preventable diseases and vaccinations cost less than a dollar. That literally doesn't add up.

So I'm taking my boys for a huge holiday and we're going to order room service, watch in-house movies, read, talk, laugh, and be together. I love my two boys more than I love myself. That is why I stay. I will give them awesome memories and ice cream at 11pm and I'll listen to them when they speak.

The other day at the park? The most important thing in the world was waiting until this ladybug flew off his finger so he could make a wish. He kept accidentally dropping it in the lake about three times and fished it out while I scrunched his blue jumper and held on to him so he wouldn't fall in. I am his keeper, his minder, his carer. Finally the bug flew off and he asked me nicely to go away because he wanted to say his wish out loud.

I hope it comes true.

He received a christmas card today - the envelope absolutely slayed me.

As for this guy?

He knows too much - has overheard too much, seen too much in the past year. He is the only person who initiates conversations about Cam with me and I am so grateful for that. Stories I didn't know - he still plays a game that Cam introduced him to years ago as they both sat bored together on the couch at a family do. The last time we saw Cam I hired out Waynes World for Max to introduce him to some old-school humour because I knew my brother and I would talk for hours, outside on the back deck. We did. I wrote a blog post the next day about it and I purposely wrote "I hope to see Cam again soon" and I wrote it just for him to read because I knew his dark thoughts. I knew his dark thoughts.

I was totally just in Uganda for World Vision and have hardly begun to tell the stories that need to be told. About how inclusive a specialised school is that they incorporate teaching children with disabilities in their classrooms. And ALL the kids learn sign language to be able to communicate with their deaf friends. So beautiful.

I was really down yesterday and needed a chai so I went to see Owen from Fresh Katoomba and they were out of chai so I said ok better make it a double shot flat white. He reminded me that he hadn't done me a picture for a while, asked what I wanted.

"Please don't say the Mona Lisa. EVERYBODY asks for that."

I told him to surprise me. So he said he'd go old-school for me and do something he used to draw back in the day. I laughed so hard. Laughing is good.

(Hint - woof)

For the first time in my adult life I haven't put the christmas tree up. We have exactly one decoration in this house, bought from an over-priced gift shop near the River Nile.


Like everyone, I'm reeling from world events. Especially the Sydney siege. The children in Pakistan. I worry. I worry.


So it appears I kept going, after the most devastating year of my life. I'm still here. And so are you. Well done you. There's always hope.

It drives me spare that I appear to have inspired other people but couldn't inspire my own brother. I've started to collate all his stuff laying around the house and my bedroom - photocopies of his death certificate. His aftershave. Wallet. His actual real suicide notes not just photocopies - to me, to his friends, and the first responders. In one of them he wrote how disgusted he was of himself. The pain he was in pains me beyond belief. He is not in that pain now. I'm a bit jealous of that, but I got stuff to do. I always had a sense that me starting a family and having children made him feel a bit pushed out, like he didn't want to be part of us, didn't want to intrude. My friend Beth told me that maybe Cam taught me how to love my own children. I think she's right. But I never replaced him with my own. He will always be the first human I ever loved. I never knew exactly how sensitive his heart was until after he died. And until my dying day I will always just want one thing for Christmas which I will never get.

As they say in recovery, acceptance is key. Acceptance is also very very painful.

So me and the two boys that grew in my belly like miracles are off up in the clouds, visiting my friend Megan and I can't wait. They are SO EXCITED. I didn't get them that much for Christmas - some books, games. They already have everything. But I'm going to love them so furiously, I am going to give them the best holiday they've ever had and eat burgers and explore and the beds will be made by someone else EVERY day and I'll try not to feel too guilty. Eden Guilt Riley, that's my name, don't wear it out.

I've never cared much for myself, but if I don't have a proper holiday I will implode. So bring it, Queensland. There's a deck chair by the pool with my name on it. I will even eat all of your bananas in public with nary a care. NARY.

I hope you guys out there are ok. Have a warm shower. Eat icing. Walk. Keep moving. Keep moving.

If you tell yourself you'll be ok often enough ... you start to believe it. Pinky swear.

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