Thursday, 20 November 2014

Missing Things That Are Right In Front Of My Face.

Hi how you doing? I'm kind of semi-decent ok, a bit. Bought a HUGE breadstick, like, massive.

Slow cooked some chilli con carne all day with kidney AND butter beans, bought some imported American dogs.

Served it with a kale and chilli salad UGH I wanted to punch it it was so good.

In two sleeps I'll be casually jetting out of the country to fly to Uganda. I've half-packed. Most of the preparation for this trip has been mentally. I've been to Africa for World Vision before. But I've never been after three hospitalisations and a dead brother. My mental health has been incredibly fragile for a while now - thing is, I'd go on this trip even if I knew I shouldn't, because I have this ability to just really PUSH myself to do things. But, I'm good to go! I'm ok about it, even excited. It feels like I have a special mission. I kind of have - so while mainstream keeps us all abreast of Kim Karadshians Krispy Kreme behind, I'll be travelling to a country I've never been before to write the stories of people whose stories need to be told. I am so lucky, and humbled, and grateful.

You know what else I am? STRONG. I took the garbage outside to the bin yesterday and as I walked back to the house I walked toughly. "I'm strong," thought to myself. "I'M STRONG."

I miss my boys already and haven't even left yet. I'm going to miss them SO MUCH. I cuddle them so much and already miss them and their standing right in front of me! I'm a strong sentimental fool.

I took this photo after Dave bought me peonies and Rocco was banging on and on about Minecraft and I withered a bit inside. I've already BEEN through the litany of hearing all about Minecraft with Max, and now I have to do it again? But I stopped, knelt on the floor, and he told me about his tools and building his house and the creepers and I listened and listened and listened, to every beautiful little word coming out of his mouth.

My boys walk the earth not even doubting they are loved.

I'm going to miss watching Walking Dead with Max HOW GOOD IS THIS SEASON!!! Best ever. I didn't have the heart to correct his spelling.

I know the difference between strong grief and being completely unable to function because of dark depression so I thought, before I go to Africa, and for the good of me AND my family - get some help.

If you need help just get it, in any way, shape or form. There are so many places now, so much good stuff out there. I know life is hard LIFE IS RIDICULOUS AND STUPID but it doesn't go on forever! Phew!

I'm not into Christmas this year AT ALL. Mostly I walk the earth angrily, hate strangers, hate everything. Then I saw tree in the shop - a black Christmas tree. Think I'll buy it.

"I'm dreaming of a black, Christmaaaaaaas."

Ok there IS a winner in my lip-synch competition She is incredible. You will completely agree ... but I have no way of contacting her! Mel, (yes you!) you sent me through a You Tube video of somebody absolutely beautiful whose name begins with G - email me!

Anyway so that's where I'm at. Things are hard. I'm grateful. I'm doing a big thing I wasn't sure I could do but I'm doing it on behalf of me, my brother, and everybody who struggles. Because a person like me who has done the things I've done in life was never really meant to end up doing inspirational things that could possibly help anybody. I'm not even sure how it happened, it just did.

I've got so much to live for, Computer. For example, I need to learn every lyric of this song that Daniel Radcliffe rapped on the Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon. Harry Potter likes complicated lyrics? Isn't Harry Potter just supposed to be Harry Potter forever? No. People change. People can do anything? Yes.  Any goddamn thing. I have watched this SO many times, for some reason it's incredibly comforting.

Hope you're ok out there, fighting the good fight. Be gentle on yourself.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Write to be understood, speak to be heard. - Lawrence Powell

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...