Monday, 20 October 2014

"Your Brother Killed Himself. That Is So Bullshit."

I'm not the only person in the world who has lost somebody very close to them . I am not the only person in the world who has been touched, deeply, awfully by suicide. I'm not the only one to think:

"How can I possibly get through this day? What does anything MEAN?"

There are a lot of hurting people out there and just because I write about my hurt does not make me any more special or unique than anyone else. The sad thing I know for a fact - because it's already started happening - is that people in profound, shocking grief are googling certain phrases and ending up on my blog and emailing me. Because a person close to them has died - from different deaths, not always suicide.

"Grief" is quite an unobtrusive word, really. I was having a bit of an argument with my husband last week and I told him that he is LUCKY to not know such a grief that threatens to destroy him. My family has taken a huge hit, my boys affected very much, my marriage has suffered greatly because to be honest I wasn't going all that well even BEFORE my brother took his own life.

Cam took himself far far away from here. Further than the eye can see, further than the heart can stand. (The heart can't stand.)

So it's the month of his death - October. Or as Beth from BabyMac so succinctly renamed it: "#fucktober." Which sounds suspiciously similar to "fucked over" which is exactly how I feel. Some people have been sending me gifts and I feel so deeply embarrassed about it because everybody should receive such kindness. Gosh I'm thankful. I have put every gift back into its parcel cover and started to write out thank-yous to everybody who has left their return address. It's like grief wedding presents. Somebody on my Facebook yesterday saw my comment about feeling overwhelmed about it and she told me to show what I have been given, to show other people that true kindness really does exist.

It really does.

On the weekend I received a gift so incredibly astoundingly shocking and awesome, I had to show you.

It's just a cake. Given to me by Reannon from She Who Rambles. 

So, to the people before me in this horrible journey I thank you for lighting my way. I'm looking straight at you, fiend Megan. I can see you guys getting through, up there in the distance. And to the people behind me god I am so sorry. Use my words like breadcrumbs. I don't know how you're going to get through because I don't know how I'm going to get through but at least we can all not know together.

Thank you. So, so much.

Eden with a big E xx

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Write to be understood, speak to be heard. - Lawrence Powell

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