Friday, 8 August 2014

"Mum, it's time I read the vagina book. PROPERLY."

Rocco has been obsessed with the word "sex" ever since he found out it's a bit rude. He says it as often as he can, in innocent conversation. I'm filling out a form in the middle of a busy post office and he screams "WHY DOES IT SAY SEX MUM THAT SAYS SEX." And I flusterly explain it's asking me if I am a boy or a girl, because that's my sex.


He would write letters talking about sex, draw pictures of people "having" sex. I asked him what sex was and he said it was when two people take their clothes off and .... dance with each other.

He was kind of right.

Max was six when I gave him the sex talk so when Rocco announced that he was going to read the vagina book TODAY mum (I'd previously kept saying no) then I said ok sweetheart, you read that vagina book. And I got it off the top shelf.

                                          Seems legit.

Yeah he settled in. He read that book out loud to me in the kitchen as I chopped carrots, over and over again. He didn't flinch when it came to the penis in the vagina part, he read it like he knew it all along. We had to go to the shops so he just stood up and walked to the car still reading.

The ONLY time I interjected was during the page with a mum and a dad getting married.

I told Rocco that me and dad weren't married when we had Max, but were married when we had him. That families are all kinds, it could be two mummies or two daddies or one mummy or one daddy. Grandparents, adopted, fostered, stepped - ALL of the families. Rocco asked me can there be, like, three parents mum? Four? Can four people have sex at the same time?

And I'm driving thinking, my kid just invented orgies all of his own accord?

I told Rocco that sex is very special, you do it with somebody you love, that sometimes people do it not even to make babies but just because it feels good. And I asked him to solemnly promise that he wouldn't talk about sex with kids at school because some parents might not have told their children yet, they might be waiting for the right time and it wasn't up to Rocco to explain. He nodded VERY sagely.

We got to the shops and I turned around to realise the sex book was an actual pop-up book DEAR GOD MY SON IS STUDYING A GIGANTIC PENIS?

Phew. It was just one of those vanilla "mummy/daddy" families.

Last week was Education Week at school and the parents were asked to come in to the children's classroom and then have a book picnic with them before the concert. I woke up feeling so dreadful I had to tell Rocco that I couldn't come. He was really disappointed. I just couldn't face people that day, I don't know why it happens sometimes it just does.

But later as the clock turned ten I MADE myself put on some cowboy boots and went into his classroom. He hugged me so hard. Somebodies grandmother had already kindly helped him make a frog but we made another one anyway.

Soon the teacher announced it was time for the book picnic and as Rocco raced to get his book from his schoolbag I thought "Oh my fucking god he's brought the sex book. He's brought the sex book for the school book picnic."

But he hadn't! He'd chosen the 2011 Guinness Book of World Records instead so we sat out there in the sun together, reading about circus freaks and bug-eating championships and the largest amount of cigarettes some tattooed dude could fit in his mouth. All around us, the other children read nice, proper books with their parents. But the hooting and hollering became too much and soon we had a crowd of children around our book and I was apologetic to the school mums left stranded there and joked about being a bearded lady myself and the school mums? They laughed and we talked about facial hair and growing older and how boring book picnics were but we came anyway.

Schoolmums are not so terrifying. Rocco hugged me over and over. "Thank you for coming mum!"

It was a good day.

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