Friday, 25 July 2014

People On Bondage Websites Are Real People Too You Know.

The other night I was in bed, propped my laptop to the side and finally FINALLY started watching the latest series of Game of Thrones. (Legally. I abhor piracy.) So, so excited to hear the opening strains.

There's few things in life that make me happy right now so I was quite beside myself. Suddenly up pops an email from a guy called Ramjet. He'd sent me a semi-nude photo of himself, along with the simple sentence.

"Well here is a little tease am I too fat lol your turn if you like so far."

And straight away I was like, are you fucking kidding me? Can't a chick just enjoy her Game of Thrones in peace? I studied his photo, and maybe it was because of the toothbrush - but something about it told me that he was being authentic?

I've cropped out his tattoos and bling in case he's married and gets recognised, but here he is.

Computer, meet Ramjet.

Dude, unless you're going to stick that toothbrush up your arse, it's not a sexy thing to put in a photo you're trying to attract females with. And replace that shit. It's shaggy as fuck.

I ignored Ramjet and hoped that he would go away. He didn't, and sent me the same photo again.

"Don't Know Y you did not get the first time let me know if you get it this time."

My annoyance was building, because Jaime Lannister had to come to terms with not having a right hand and his dad got this special sword made up and CAN'T I JUST BE HAPPY WATCHING MY SHOW FOR FIVE FUCKING MINUTES, UNIVERSE?

So I broke my rule when it comes to these sorts of weird things that happen on the internet sometimes. I replied back.

"Who is this?"

Straight away he answers.

"What's that mean did u not like can i c sum of u?"

I was so pissed off at his poor grammar that I didn't reply. He then kept sending me emails, each getting angrier.

"You asked me to send a pic are you getting me confussed with someone else you want to be my kinky submissive girl?" 

"YOUR REPLID TO MY AD DO YOU REMEMBER ME?"

I felt a bit yuck by this stage. Concerned that somebody was using my email address on a sex forum. I replied (or rather, replid) mainly to just calm him down and blow him off.

"I'm sorry but I think someone is playing a prank on me - and you. I haven't emailed anyone, I'm not on any forums. Thank you anyway but I'm married with kids."

Ramjet replid straight away.

"Your Telling Me You Did Not Reply to my ad saying something about not being a brunette but being sexy saying you were not a bag of bones but not fat with 38D Now Im confused Ok whatever I think your on too many sites getting yourself confussed"

Now's about the time I lost my shit. And not just because of his appalling sentence structure, irrational capitalisation, bad punctuation and wrong spelling. I wanted to blast him JUST LET ME WATCH GAME OF THRONES YOU DUMB TOOLBAG IDIOT I AM TRYING TO SURVIVE EACH DAY AS IT COMES YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHO YOU'RE TALKING TO.

But I didn't. Here is my response to Ramjet.

"Dude, I am on no sites. Feel free to reply to whoever is giving you my email that Eden said to go fuck themselves. I'm not 38DD. I'm a 42 year old mother of two boys. I'm tired, pissed off, and too old for this shit. My husband is asleep next to me in bed and ALL I want to do right now is watch Game of Thrones. My brother killed himself nine months ago and my grief spirals out of control every fucking day. I have no energy or patience for you. Leave me alone."

Ramjet finally left me alone. I watched my episode, but still. It rattled me and I wondered if I should go to the cops in the morning but fat lot of good they could probably do. And I didn't have to anyway because the next morning brought another, final email from Ramjet.

"Eden Im sorry for the confusion I thought I was emailing some one else from an ad they responding to there email was different from yours so I thought I was emailing them and I emailed you by accident sorry nobody is messing with you at all sorry for the confusion."

THANK GOD!

So that's a story in itself, right? Funny, etc. Well, just after Ramjet sent that, I received another email. From the woman he had actually meant to send his picture to.

"Wow I just want to say that my email address is similar but different to yours. I was going to name my daughter Eden, unfortunately I miscarried. I'm the one who responded to the idiot who has been emailing you all night. For that I apologize. I however am not signing you up for anything at all period. I am a mature grown adult and would never do something like that. Lastly I am very sorry for the loss of your brother and I am sorry for all the confusion and grief this morning. Have a good day."

As I read her email, I was sitting on my bed brushing my teeth. When I got to the end, I choke-laugh-cried and toothpaste went up my nose it burnt so bad. I hunched over, crylaughgrieving so hard.

A complete stranger on a bondage website just gave me their condolences on the suicide of my brother. 

That actually happened.

You know who would have loved that story? My brother Cameron would have loved that story. You know what he would have done when I told him that story? He would have LAUGHED, Computer. I just started crying right now typing this because man could I make my brother laugh. I loved to make my brother laugh. And I could do it really well because I am shocking and funny and inappropriate and ridiculous and when Cam laughed? The veil of his black would slip and he forgot himself, just in that moment, and all you could hear was a beautiful sound of a beautiful man laughing.

I love him and miss him more than I can describe. Soon he should be turning 34. He will never turn 34. Soon he should be turning 34. He will never turn 34.

So I emailed this sweet stranger back, thanking her for saying that about my brother. (Ramjet must have passed my last message on to her.) I told her how desperately I tried to save Cam the last weekend he was alive. Frantic texts and phonecalls and how badly, terribly I blame myself. I do. It's true. Nobody can tell me otherwise. It's easy for someone to say, "Oh you can't blame yourself he was bound to do it anyway." It's easy to say that. But I'm living this. This is my circumstance. I am blaming myself right now until maybe one day, I can start unblaming myself.

I could have tried more. I should have driven down there. I should have visited him more after I left home. For years, I apologised to him about that. He said it was ok but it wasn't and I'll never forgive myself. He was left alone. I left him alone. He could have been somebody and he was somebody. All this "suicide prevention" business is doing my head in. It was his choice to go. He had that right. He could have got help. He could have gotten better. I understand why he did it. He was weak. Stuck in a moment. He was strong. Stronger than any doctor. Life is hard. Harder for some. Suck my dick. Life is stupid. I want my brother.

I want to make him laugh. How can I get through this fire? There are thousands, millions of people in the world missing their loved ones right now this second. I'm not alone.

I'm not alone. And this week it took an extraordinary, hilarious, heartfelt set of circumstances to prove it. Yesterday my new friend from the bondage forum emailed me back - a MISSIVE. She told me about how when she was twenty years old her very best friend who was a guy was very suicidal. She'd helped him out of it, been there for him, talked with him, the lot. One night she's headed out for the night and he tells her he's not feeling good but she goes out anyway and he ended up hanging himself dead. She blamed herself for so, so long. She told me things that nobody who has not been in her (our) position could tell me. She helped me take a few layers of my guilt and blame off - just a few. She helped me, so much.

My therapist tells me that my guilt around Cam is love. I made a conscious choice from an early age to not love, not get attached to people. But I accidentally had this beautiful family and we love each other and it cements, anchors, makes me stay.

Love is a mystical thing. But sometimes, it isn't enough. It's just not. And I'm on a path to understanding and accepting that, the very best way I can.



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