Thursday, 17 April 2014

Random Lettuce.

My friend Beth and I were in a textathon the other night. She is beautiful and generous and HILARIOUS. Back and forth, back and forth .... then she suddenly sends me a pic of the quarter pounder she ate on the weekend. Ages ago I told her about my craving of all cravings while I was pregnant with Rocco - six nuggets gently nestled inside a quarter pounder. Beth very much liked my use of the word "nestled" to describe the situation.

"Edie, look at the random fucking lettuce on my quarter pounder? LOOK AT IT MOCKING ME."

That piece of lettuce had me laughing so, so hard. It's not even supposed to BE there.

In other news, out of all the places in Australia they could be today, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are headed up the Blue Mountains to meet with people affected by last years bushfires. This is a huge deal for local tourism. I'm not up there at the moment but if I was, I'd be camped out at the Three Sisters with a pair of mini ugg boots to give to Prince George. I'd tell William that he is an extraordinary young man and that his mum would be so proud of him and when the press asked me what we spoke about I'd tell them it was private.

Rocco and I have been at the beach house by ourselves the last few days. I've been driving the car Dave bought his daughter Phoebe Rose for when she gets her license. About 11.30pm the other night, the car alarm went off. I lost my shit because I knew it was a ploy by bandits to get me out the front to murder me and take my child so I rang Dave and woke him up to ask what I should do. I was seriously terrified, and not in the emotional state to deal properly. At all. He told me to go outside and press the button a few times, to make sure all the doors are shut, and see if it goes off again.

"I can't go outside! What if there's a murderer out there?"

"Eden there's no murderer out there."

"What if I go out and they come around behind and take Rocco?"

"Hon what the fuck are you talking about? There's nobody there! It's just the car!"


"Look there's nobody there. Just go outside and check the doors. Just do it."

Crying uncontrollably. "I CAN'T GO OUTSIDE!"

"For fucks sake. Will I call the police?"

"DON'T TALK TO ME LIKE THAT. Fine I'll go but when you try to call me tomorrow and I don't answer, YOU'LL KNOW WHY."

Grabbed the green kitchen knife I bought for five dollars at Kmart and ran outside into the rain wearing just a t-shirt and undies, screaming obscenities. Not one neighbour came out to inspect. What are car alarms even for?

Dave and Max are back now, so I can remove the knife from my pillow.

I'm taking the boys to the movies today ... I've no idea about that Frozen film everybody is banging on about but this Lego Movie is creating big waves in my household. Huge. Might even go all the way and get a black bean burrito for lunch. Buy a new pair of shoes. I've a hankering for new shoes. Which is good. Means I still have places to go.

What are you doing today? Do you cry when you see Prince William on the news? Ever been so angry at your husband you felt like stabbing somebody? Do you know the muffin man? Worst pregnancy craving? Do you like movies about gladiators? Ever been in a Turkish prison?

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