I was trying to describe what heroin felt like to my therapist the other week.
"It feels like .... it feels like, the world slips away and you just don't give a fuck about anything."
My out-of-control binge drinking in my early twenties quickly led to harder drugs. Once I had a taste, I couldn't stop. Would spend days roaming the city for the next hit, staying in strangers houses, shooting up with dirty needles. I didn't care - after such a difficult and tumultuous childhood it was a sweet release to me. My line in the sand got moved further and further away.
Eventually, blessedly, the detox and rehab shuffle soon followed and after many attempts of trying I finally got and stayed clean. And promptly gave birth to my first son.
Fast forward ten years of solid recovery and I relapsed. A few months later - another relapse. Mid-last year - my latest relapse.
Relapsing BLOWS. Any person who sits down and sticks a needle in their arm isn't really taking care of themselves. But you block it out. Sometimes, the call of the drug is louder than the call of recovery. Heroin blocks everything out. Nothing matters anymore, and as someone who is a constant worrier, thinker, panicker .... it's such a warm and inviting feeling of relief.
I saw Philip Seymour Hoffman get hounded and vilified in the press yesterday. It's so sad, such a waste. He knew the risks. He also had the responsibility of three young children who will now grew up with holes in their hearts. Once you fall off the recovery wagon, it's a slippery slope. Hoffman was a JUNKIE ACTOR DAD!! He was found with a NEEDLE STILL IN HIS ARM!
Most of the population will not understand it and be confused, repulsed by it. I don't know if drug addiction is a disease or a choice. All I know is, once you start, or start up again ... it's very, very difficult to stop. You get selfish. You stop caring. Sometimes you turn into a monster.
When I was a young girl I didn't put "junkie" at the top of my list of things I wanted to be when I grew up. But there it is, I just kept moving that line in the sand so far back you can't even see it anymore. In active addiction you don't care what people think of you. You don't care about your loved ones.
Your only care is getting as high as humanly possible.
So we do. And some of us never come back down.