Tuesday, 3 September 2013

Lost. And Found.

I read a whole book!

The last time I read a book was five, maybe six years ago. This one was the perfect one to read, while I was in hospital. I grew up reading books pretty much every single day. I've missed it. I forgot what it can be like, to lose yourself in the authors consciousness, to think about the characters long after you finished reading. Murakami is a stunning writer. I want to read everything he's ever written. It feels so good to read rich words, have already bought his new one.

I found a polaroid! In my Nans bible.


Every time Nan used to stay at our house she would sleep with me in my bedroom. She snored so loud but I didn't care, I loved her so much. Here she and I both are cooing at my brother Cam. (I spy a Michael Jackson poster on the wall.)

My brother Cam came up on the weekend.

I love him the most. "I love you the most," I told him. We sat and talked for over four hours straight. Neither got hungry - but I did bring out some lime cordial in sparkling mineral water. FANCY. We talked a lot about his dad. Plans. People. Relationships. I gave him the polaroid as he was leaving. He didn't take it at first but I told him his dad took it of him so he should have it. He tucked it into his pants and left. I hope to see him again soon.

They think they might have found Gary. Right now as I'm typing this I can hear the helicopters overhead. It's quite emotional.  Six weeks ago he went missing while on an overnight stay with work at a local hotel. There's CCTV footage of him running out of the hotel foyer and that's it. His family and friends have been in the dark ever since, hoping and worrying. It's been called the biggest search in the Blue Mountains ever. Police and CES volunteers working tirelessly to find him. Someone on an ambulance chopper looked down yesterday and saw a body laying at the bottom of a cliff called "Sweet Dreams." I feel so relieved for his mum. Now she can have a funeral. So bittersweet.

So what does someone do, after they lose their mind? Rest. I've been resting and sitting and being gentle with myself for a good few days now. Did I mention that we moved house? Yeah. Huge. We'd been living in that house since Dave finished building it in May 2004. Nine years. Everything's been shit and hectic. I gave Max the day off school yesterday and we just hung out. Talked. Laughed - my god he makes me laugh. He and I are the most alike. We split a box of Kraft macaroni and cheese for dinner. He told me I had to come outside last night at about seven and just watch him on the trampoline. It feels like I haven't done that in years.

And it was night and we both couldn't give a fuck about the dishes or homework and he told me he reckons that when someone dies, they go straight back to being a baby again. And he asked for another day off school. (No.) And he jumped so high with those long limbs. Words can't express. I stood there, forgetting about existence, just watching him jump. And jump. "Mum I'm serious I can pretty much touch the sky." And I believed him.

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