Monday, 31 December 2012

The Last Day.

Today is the last day of the biggest year of my life. It's been huge, in wonderful and terrible ways.

January I upheld my right to remain ridiculous, falling off my sons three-wheeler down a big hill and skinning my knees.

In February I drank coffee from this magic cup and I KNEW Big Things were circling. I coined the term Carbon Neutral Blogging and still believe in it very much.

March saw me turn forty years old. Forty. Dave made me a skull cake and the day was a miracle. Just a few short weeks later I climbed into five airplanes and made my way into Africa to blog about the West Africa food crisis.

In April I returned home and was a hero for four full days until an article was published in a national magazine misinforming people of my relapse. Shame burnt my eyes until I finally realised, for the first time ever, that it's none of my business what other people think about me. I know my truth. That's enough.

May saw Edenland take out the very top prize in the Sydney Writers Centre Blog Awards, named Best Australian Blog 2012. I buckled under that pressure and still do.

June was big. I was lucky to receive a makeover from the team at Maybelline NY, did a big Fresh Horses link-up on who the hell everybody is, met Prime Minister Julia Gillard and gave her some World Vision seeds, joined The Remarkables, and then my beautiful stepdad Jim took a funny turn.

In July I was published in some magazines, spoke at a blogging conference ... and then everything turned dark. I wrote a post called "Half The Moon Is Gone" while sitting in a public library hours after getting Jim into a cancer ward. My family, me, and some of Jim's very close friends stood around wringing hands while Jim died. That cancer ate him up like a baddie. I still, cannot believe he is gone. Every time I go to write about him here now, I edit it all out. It's too hard. My brain went TING after his death and I faltered a lot. I still feel strange and uncertain. (Thank you for holding our hands, Computer. Thank you.) The moon will never be the same again. Neil Armstrong died in sympathy. Today is the last day I can say, "We saw Jim this year!" Life is a series of loving and letting go. We miss him. Jim Jim Jim Jim. That's all it's been, in my head. He died, Rome burnt to a crisp and down came the moon and JIM DIED. Grief is like a tatty overcoat that you never know if you're going to wear on any given day. Some days I still keen at traffic lights, dumbfounded at all the hurt still there. My mothers eyes.

My wedding day 2005. I often wonder what it would feel like to have a real actual dad who was there for me ... Jim was the closest I ever came.

In August, Maybelline flew me to New York for BlogHer. Dave took the photos for "Who Are The People In Your Neighbourhood?" and we both ate a lot of cheesy fries. I came home out of my mind and wrote about "my hairy ballbag blowing in the cyclone." (Of course I don't actually have a ballbag. But if I did, I just know it'd be really big and really hairy.)

September I talked to Tim Costello about meeting Bono and then I wrote about being Jesus to Satans oxycodone but my best post was just one about buttons.

October Julia gave her speech, I went to the Problogger conference, and then told the world to kiss my mummyblogging arse. 

In November I was beyond lucky to get to meet my sponsored child in India, Rashni. Taking the tally of countries I visited this year to eight. All of the wonderful people who have sponsored children or donated money to World Vision this year .... YOU ARE AMAZING. My mum now sponsors a child in India. Her and Jim decided they weren't going to at the beginning of the year because they were too old and might die soon. She changed her mind.

Photo by Misho

December I came in at number ten with a bullet in the Babble Top 100 Mum Bloggers of 2012. A huge honour, and I was quite blown away. I met the PM again, spoke like a slick stallion on the late news then came home and collapsed in a heap. (Lucky Dave!)

So, goodbye, big year of 2012. If somebody like me can do things in the world, ANYBODY can. Saying yes to life makes life open up like an oyster. I'll be staying home a hell of a lot more in 2013. Waiting for the end of the world like I always do. Hopefully make a bit of a difference where I can, knowing when to fold them, when to fight, and when to eat cake.

Thank you for reading here, thank you for your support. I dropped a lot of balls, but I keep blogging because I need to. It's in me. Happy New Year to you and your loved ones. I hope whatever you do is done with peace in your heart. We get a brand new day EVERY night, not just tonight. We get to start again whenever we want. Thank god.

Tonight I'll be hanging out with these three guys. No particular plans, hopefully doing something ridiculous. We'll just see where the day takes us. I'm all struggly with a head FULL of doom but they smell like sand and fart and hope and they're right in front of me, simultaneously pissing me off and forcing me to be a better person. I'm so lucky.

Love to you, wherever you are.

XX eden

PS I saw Jim this year!

PPS  Maybe the trick is to keep saying YES to life.

PPPS Also yes to cheesy fries.

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