Friday, 7 December 2012

His Majesty.

I don't recommend falling pregnant when you're four months clean and fresh out of rehab but there it is - the pesky truth, wrapping itself up in shame and grace.

I was 29 years old and got handed the keys to this guy. My heart shattered and rebuilt itself in the first moment of holding him, never to be the same again. Ever. Every single person in my life at that time had doubts around me having a baby and I proved them all wrong. Not out of spite - out of love.

He turned eleven the other day, had a sleepover with some mates and they all went running up the street at midnight to do something "... crazy, please mum?"

I followed them like a stealth warrior, terrified that a murderer was waiting for me in the bushes. I'm scared of the dark.

On their way back I jumped out and they jumped out of their skins like a cartoon. It was gold. Eleven year old boys are gold - treasures of innocence and joy in the world. I wished I could be more like them.

On the night of his actual birthday, the two of us went into Sydney.

It was loud and bright and people were drunk. I know these streets like the back of my hand. I watched him watching, thinking. It felt unsafe, and I shepherded him through with haste and a bit of panic. That the world doesn't know how precious he is, is terrifying.

"Mum, I can't WAIT to live in Sydney. Why did you ever leave?"

One day I'll tell him.

What if he walks down the same alleyways I did? I barely made it through. I'm scared he will be like me. I'm scared of the dark.

Tall blondes chatting up bouncers, adult bookshops, dirty streets. He looks up, mouth literally agape at the buildings. I forget that he doesn't see tall buildings very much.

"WOAH ... they are SO TALL!"

I tell him right there on the filthy street that the same wonder he feels when he looks up at those tall buildings, is the same wonder I feel when I look at him. I don't know if he will ever understand that.

He falls asleep in the car on the way home and grows little again. I don't have to let him go just yet! We still got time.

We still got time.

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