Saturday, 20 October 2012

The Weight Of A Man.

My two identical twins sisters, my mother and I, all met outside Gate F at the Sydney Entertainment Centre and ate dumplings and laughed. Big, raucous, inappropriate, laughter.

We were low and tired and sad, waiting for Mumford and Sons to come onstage. The next day the movers would come to mums house and she would leave the last house that Jim ever lived in. 

The band came onstage and blew everybody out of the water like I knew they would. Mum bought us all tickets while Jim was in hospital. 

When the lead singer sang, it was with his whole heart. I want to write like he sings.

After four hours sleep we all got up and helped mum pack up the last of her stuff.

I wondered if Jim was hanging around. I asked Leigh, "Do you think he's here right now, watching us?" 

She turned and shouted HEY JIMMY!!!

I don't know what I believe in anymore.

Mum has no idea how amazing she is, just keeps getting up every day and facing the world again and again. She didn't go back to say goodbye her old house and I told her she didn't have to.

We got to the new place and it's perfect. Maybe everything will be ok after all. Who the hell knows. 

Mum worried that Jim might be getting hot in the car so I went and got him. I carried him down into her new house, the weight of ashes and bones in my hand. The measure of what's left. 

He was heavy. As heavy as our hearts. Set him up on the bedside table next to a candle and then unwrapped some more kitchen boxes, then drove off to my life while my mum came to terms with her new one. 

 Mum this song is for you. 

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