In A New York State of Mind.

If I were a food blogger I'd tell you about the cheesy fries that saved my life last night and how I ordered two servings.

If I were a tech blogger I'd tell you about the Apple store I went to over on Fifth Avenue today, how cool all the latest stuff is.

If I were a parenting blogger I'd have a little diagram here on studies showing how leaving your children at home while you cross the globe will not hurt their emotional growth.

If I were a fashion blogger .... jeans and boots. All the way.

If I were a problogger I'd write about Barack Obama addressing all attendees of BlogHer 2012 via video on Thursday at 4.30pm.

But - I'm a personal blogger. Great. Is it too late to swap genres?

Flew into New York last night. As I walked off the plane, "Let My People Go" played in my head ... it was that bad. Checked in to a hotel which is undergoing a renovation because I have a gift for choosing hotels. Walked up to Shake Shack and ate two burgers. Gave money to a bum. Called Rocco's pre-school teacher and cried on the street, asking her if he was ok and she told me he was right there, playing with blocks. I looked at the woman on the street looking at me and I wondered if she'd ever cried on the street. The world is sharp. Our dog is dead? My husband rubbed my back. I don't want to be touched by anyone. Cannot believe the last month happened and somebody I love suffered so much and other people I love are all so hurt and in shock too.

Last night I knew I'd made a huge mistake in coming here. Today I staggered around town quite delirious. Have you ever been in a jet lagged grief-fuelled insomniacal state? Wow. The thinks you can think!

Slept all day and it was the best thing I could have done. This is the only photo I've taken so far:

Just took another one - view from our hotel room:

I can hear Frank Sinatra's "New York" playing outside. Don't know how to end this post - really hate endings at the moment.

A few days ago:

There's a huge danger in loving people. For years I never risked it because if you can't love, you can't hurt. But if you do that, you're cutting yourself off from the best that human experience has to offer. Stupid love and its stupid pain and its stupid joy.

Like that old saying says, "Fall down seven hundred and forty-two times, get up seven hundred and forty-three. Thousand."

I'm going to put my shoes on and go for a walk up West 46th Street and be grateful that I've been given such an amazing opportunity, right in the nick of time. Don't know what I'm going to find yet but whatever it is, it'll be worth it. Because I'll MAKE it worth it.

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