"So, can I still write about the gun?"

Today I was supposed to upload a sponsored post onto my blog .. but it got rejected. I was asked to edit it. After some conversing with the ad network I finally asked, "So, can I still write about the gun?"

Also today ..  it has been exactly five years since I started writing on the internet. I'll never forget the thrill and slight revulsion, of publishing my first post. I was going to let this milestone fly under the radar because, for the first time ever I have been seriously considering stopping blogging. It's not like I earn much money from this, right?

Lately I've been faced with some huge decisions around this all. To be a blogger makes up a lot of my identity now. I've matured and grown as a writer, maybe even as a person. I never, ever expected this "bigness" to happen, and I feel weird and too self-conscious to even write about the "popularity" of my blog. The jokes around pretending I have ten readers ... is to keep the denial going that quite a few people come here to read now. It's a weird, strange thing. Also amazing - because you are amazing. I had to consciously think of all my blog readers, as I took you all to Africa with me. Apparently there's more than ten of you.

People have different motivations for blogging. My motivation when I started out was to document my in-vitro fertilisation. That in-vitro fertilisation is jumping with his brother on the trampoline right now ... any minute and there'll be tears. (You know when you just KNOW there'll be tears?)

Then I wrote about my pregnancy. I was still very closed, inside myself. When my husband was diagnosed with cancer a few days before Rocco was born ... well, it was the last straw, in my life. Something broke open in a terrible way. Yet, something also broke open in a wonderful way. I went mad, sad, loud. I started living my life so openly and with such a noise. I really threw my middle finger up at the universe, and in that rage, found myself to be quite the fighter. And free - when you live openly, you just feel free. It's tricky to explain ... it was just, all bets were off now.

All bets are always off, now.

For a while, my motivation for blogging was to keep the community and support I so desperately needed while we waited to see if my husbands chemo was going to work or not. It worked. We're all still here ... me more battle-scarred than ever before. Still angry - every day I'm angry. Strange how I'm so inspiring and shit but walk around most days wanting to punch annoying people in the face.

My people back then were Americans. My people now are Americans and Australians ... it is my utter JOY to see blogging take off down under like it has. I've spoken at panels and gone to functions and done all the PR shiz. I see in people's faces when they register that I'm smarter and more learned than they realised. As well as being entirely inappropriate, tattooed, swearing, and dysfunctional .. I had a brain all along like Scarecrow.

WHY AM I WRITING ALL THIS. I do not know. Maybe it's because, being a blogger took me to Africa. I cannot convey to you how that shifted my consciousness and Spirit. I am quite haunted .. but then again, I've always been haunted so you know, what's new? The way people responded to that trip - both on and offline, has given me so much faith in human nature. We get fed a steady diet of commercial mainstream mind-numbing crap and it's not good for us. We must balance it out, or we get sick.

I am faced with the choice of being a blogger, or being a BLOGGER. I've decided ... to take it all the way. Let's see how far it goes. I've decided to start taking myself much more seriously - I'm even going to re-write my About Me section. Bring it all on, world. If that means doing some sponsored posts, and making money and capitalising this space .. then so be it. I will do that. Not to get rich and count my wads of ca$h, but so I can devote more time and energy to this than ever before. A few detractors almost brought me down .. which would be such a shame, because 99% of you are just quietly exquisite and have my back. Thanks.

I will not change my voice - if I write a sponsored post and the client says I can't mention the gun, then I won't go ahead with the sponsored post. I'll still devote a lot of time to make a sponsored post a good read, though. Man, if I lived closer to Sydney I could get a job there. There are no jobs for me up in these Blue Mountains except waitressing .. and my hips are seriously getting too achey for that. As most of you know, I spent my entire twenties destroying myself so didn't have much time for a career.

I just turned forty years old. I am a woman. And my "career" as a blogger is starting to soar. What other career is like that? None, that I know of.

Let's do this thing. Like Ron Jeremy says before a porn shoot ... bring it.

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To say thank you for your support, to celebrate a big Happy Fifth Blogging Birthday AND being named as a Finalist in the Sydney Writers Centre 2012 Awards today (it's a sign!) ... I have put together a giveaway. It goes a little something like this.

Bloody awesome Holy Kitsch Day of the Dead Flags that I bought for my 40th birthday but never used because I cancelled my party. Worth $45 (This picture does not do them justice.)

Maybelline New York pack of seriously amazing products. Including my favourites: Caffeine Eye Roll-On, BabyLips, assorted lipsticks and nail polish, mascara, fancy eye liner .. and more. Worth $340

A huge swathe of gorgeous bright material I bought in Africa. Worth $26 (but actually a lot more.)

A voucher from the best shop in the entire Blue Mountains, Mrs Peel. My friends Roger and Jacqui own it. Roger has seen me stark naked ... it's a long story. Worth $50. (But this is my voucher - I'll get you another one with your name on it.)

I thought about giving away Dead Kermit, but he's morphed into Zombie Kermit now and we can't part with him. So I'll send you a photo of Dead Kermit ... on a Samsung Galaxy Note. Worth $800

And lastly ... me! You get a half-hour blogging consult with me via Skye. (No video if I'm having a bad hair day.) Or if you don't have a blog we can talk about anything you want - boys, Duran Duran, side ponytails. Anything. Worth ONE KRILLION DOLLARS.

You just need to answer the question "What is a blog?" in the comments. My mum will choose the winner of each prize - I haven't asked her yet. Mum is that ok?

Entries close midnight on Sunday 29th April AEST and the six winners announced on the Edenland Facebook Page on Tuesday 1st May. Open to people of all countries and creeds, except those on Planet Uranus. *Beavis and Butthead laugh here*

In conclusion, I am now a BLOGGER. Yet I will always write about guns.

And thank you. Very much.

(PS Guess what ... just got an email. I'M STILL ALLOWED TO WRITE ABOUT THE GUN. I love it when brands dig a bit deeper and stop being scared. I predict a sponsored post in my near future. Feel free to score me out of ten.)


So .. what IS a blog? Asking for a friend.



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