To save my marriage, I had to torch it to the ground with petrol and a lit match.
So I did. Then I drop-kicked that marriage and booted it out of the stadium. Didn't know where it landed and I didn't even care. I didn't know what would happen .. slowly, the terror gave way to exhilaration and within me I found an untapped mine of power that I NEVER knew existed. Best thing ever. I knew, in my heart - that whatever happens, I would be ok.
The hardest thing was the not-knowing. My beautiful fellow-blogger, Kerri Sackville wrote in the comments to THIS post:
"Don't seek and don't expect. Be patient and wait until your mud settles and your water is clear. Be patient and wait. Your mud will settle. Your water will clear."
I really wept when I read that. Because it was all so muddy, but she let me know that it's ok to be muddy and sit with the not-knowing.
I honestly thought we were done - like, peering over the precipice to what was ahead and everything. We would always be friends - maybe we were meant to be together for this amount of time and that's it. I knew I was not going to stay out of fear, I was not going to stay "for the children." No way - this is me and my life. I would move mountains for my boys, I love them immensely, cherish them forever. But the thought of staying married just because of them did not even enter my head. Which is probably really selfish of me - but so be it. I deserve to be happy.
A lot has happened - shifts, and changes, and honest talking. There are seventeen sides to every story - and no way can I condense it all into one blog post and wrap it up with a shiny bow. Life isn't like that. Gradually I was heard, and listened to, and understood. Promises were made - big ones involving change and a less-stressful life. I will not live in a cyclone of busy, anymore. My husband Dave has a good, solid, loyal heart. I was amazed at his insight into it all - he's such a manly macho guy. He gets me more now than maybe ever. He sees me differently - probably because I see myself differently. He said he missed me so much that he even came here, to this blog. To see what I was up to. The things I'd written here blew his mind. Like a whole wealth of me that he never knew.
CUE DUMBARSE SOPPY MUSIC.
He can't quite believe that I write this way here. I said neither can I, hon. Neither can I.
Some green shoots grew on the black gnarled thing I booted out of the stadium ... and I had absolutely nothing to do with it. I was quite looking forward to my new Shirley Valentine life - but that's ok. I will never look at marriage the same way again .... it can actually kind of blow me. Upon looking around, there's a lot of people out there in loveless marriages. Too petrified of letting go. I'm relieved to know that I will never be one of those people.
I think a trick is to keep part of yourself separate - I didn't know I was so lost until I dug myself up again.
Dave came home just before and told me to close my eyes, he has a present. I asked him if it was some furniture that he picked up on the side of the road (bone of contention) .. he said no, it was a painting to put up in the bathroom.
Opened my eyes to this:
I said, "Parachute vagina, hon? Really?"
He was laughing. "It's actually called, Warm Wind in Her Hair."
I like it. She jumped out of the plane and has no knickers on and doesn't quite know where she'll land.
And she doesn't even care.