Monday, 19 March 2012

A Marriage, of Sorts.

To save my marriage, I had to torch it to the ground with petrol and a lit match.

So I did. Then I drop-kicked that marriage and booted it out of the stadium. Didn't know where it landed and I didn't even care. I didn't know what would happen .. slowly, the terror gave way to exhilaration and within me I found an untapped mine of power that I NEVER knew existed. Best thing ever. I knew, in my heart - that whatever happens, I would be ok.

The hardest thing was the not-knowing. My beautiful fellow-blogger, Kerri Sackville wrote in the comments to THIS post:

"Don't seek and don't expect. Be patient and wait until your mud settles and your water is clear. Be patient and wait. Your mud will settle. Your water will clear."

I really wept when I read that. Because it was all so muddy, but she let me know that it's ok to be muddy and sit with the not-knowing.

I honestly thought we were done - like, peering over the precipice to what was ahead and everything. We would always be friends - maybe we were meant to be together for this amount of time and that's it. I knew I was not going to stay out of fear, I was not going to stay "for the children." No way - this is me and my life. I would move mountains for my boys, I love them immensely, cherish them forever. But the thought of staying married just because of them did not even enter my head. Which is probably really selfish of me - but so be it. I deserve to be happy.

And so.

A lot has happened - shifts, and changes, and honest talking. There are seventeen sides to every story - and no way can I condense it all into one blog post and wrap it up with a shiny bow. Life isn't like that. Gradually I was heard, and listened to, and understood. Promises were made - big ones involving change and a less-stressful life. I will not live in a cyclone of busy, anymore. My husband Dave has a good, solid, loyal heart. I was amazed at his insight into it all - he's such a manly macho guy. He gets me more now than maybe ever. He sees me differently - probably because I see myself differently. He said he missed me so much that he even came here, to this blog. To see what I was up to. The things I'd written here blew his mind. Like a whole wealth of me that he never knew.


He can't quite believe that I write this way here. I said neither can I, hon. Neither can I.

Some green shoots grew on the black gnarled thing I booted out of the stadium ... and I had absolutely nothing to do with it. I was quite looking forward to my new Shirley Valentine life - but that's ok. I will never look at marriage the same way again .... it can actually kind of blow me. Upon looking around, there's a lot of people out there in loveless marriages. Too petrified of letting go. I'm relieved to know that I will never be one of those people.

I think a trick is to keep part of yourself separate - I didn't know I was so lost until I dug myself up again.


Dave came home just before and told me to close my eyes, he has a present. I asked him if it was some furniture that he picked up on the side of the road (bone of contention) .. he said no, it was a painting to put up in the bathroom.

Opened my eyes to this:

                             by Blue Mountains artist Cate Dudley

I said, "Parachute vagina, hon? Really?"

He was laughing. "It's actually called, Warm Wind in Her Hair."

I like it. She jumped out of the plane and has no knickers on and doesn't quite know where she'll land.

And she doesn't even care.


1 comment:

  1. Hahaha, the beautifully humourous communication between you both over the painting says it all really. We knew you two were meant to be together! Just so pleased to hear you guys did what a lot of people can't. How very special for you both. Much love xx


Write to be understood, speak to be heard. - Lawrence Powell

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...