I can't see my life ending well.
I've told a few people that they are invited to my relapse party. They laughed. Make no mistake ... my relapse party would be the most hardest corest relapse party ever in the world. Naked hookers would line the driveway with shots of tequila as you drove in. They'd be wearing tiaras and heavy mascara that'd be dripping by the end of the night. Symbolic and all that shit.
There'd be designated areas for designated things. Lube and mirrors. Smoke and heavy music. A sense of resignation.
I shouldn't write things like that but GODDAMN it feels good. I should play it safe. Talk about official life/parenting/spiritual shit, get all deep and then have some kind of light yet profound revelation at the end. My grandmother always told me I would write .. I don't know that she even believed it herself, she just wanted me to believe something good about me. She would probably find some of my writing shocking. I like to believe she would understand. My life was shocking.
When I was 24 I had a dream that I lost my eyes but my grandmother had a new pair for me in a jar of water next to my bed. I put them in, looked, and there was the biggest most magnificent landscape you could ever see. I can still remember it. This dream was right at the beginning of my sobriety journey. My sobriety is about so much more than sobriety. Resilience, redemption, daily death of self. These Big Things. Do you understand? Are you with me?
My super-secret awesome number bloggy tip is to have copious amounts of self-loathing. If you mix it with a kind of burning rage and the desire to just write; if you actually dig and look and have something of value to say ... you're on to something. Sometimes I click onto blogs and see the blogger percolating nicely. A few more years and they'll have something really cool.
All this, "Like me!" "Only 200 more followers until I do a giveaway!" If you want followers, you might want to think about where you're leading them so gaily, like the Pied Piper. Otherwise your conga line might crash into itself and people will be confused.
If you're into giveaways, the best giveaway you could do is a giveaway of your own self. Dig.
(I'm a heavily disguised social media maven guru, you know.)
So .. are we cool to leave this post here? I'm ok. I have to return emails and then go put a slow-cooked sausage casserole on. Life keeps asking me to raise up.
I turn up on this page just like you do .. hope this protagonist makes it through! Scoot over and pass me the popcorn.
I wonder what's going to happen, in the end?
"I never knew daylight could be so violent
A revelation in the light of day
You can't choose what stays and what fades away."