Tuesday, 3 January 2012
The past few days at home by myself have been shocking. I've stayed up late, slept in, bumbled around, and done things completely on my own. I'm me again. It's fucking outrageous and I've needed it so much.
When I wake up in the mornings I freak out .. which is nothing unusual, I always freak out. Usually along the lines of "Ah no .. ANOTHER day? Didn't we just have one?" That's just one of my Truths in this lifetime .. I don't like life or the world very much, and have thought about cutting it short many times, but I'd miss the ending. It's like a marathon.
You know what I do like? My sons. I've walked into their bedrooms just to smell their smells. I'm going to be a better mother this year. Last year I dropped the ball. I want to look into their faces often and mean it. Listen to them more, read lots of books, help Max with his maths, teach Rocco how to do everything. (Because that's all he ever wants to do.) No more short-tempered swat them away like flies. Oprah once said the best thing you can give a kid - any kid, doesn't have to be your own .. is to light your face up when they walk into the room.
I need to honour myself, before I can honour my children. Never realised that before.
I just want to be a strivey striver, man. And never stop.
It was so much easier taking the Christmas tree down instead of putting it up. For the first time ever I wrapped the lights around my arm like a lasso and packed them away carefully so they aren't a tangled mess next time. You know, like normal people probably do.
Yesterday I went to a women's recovery meeting and I announced it to be the best meeting I have ever been to in my life. We all shared about being alone, creativity, and giving yourself the space you need in the world. That meeting has saved my life for the past few months.
I felt jiggly and decided to go for a quick walk around the block, so I plugged my ears with Eminem and walked. My neighbours stood at the end of the road talking, and I felt viciously self-conscious. Sometimes I can't talk to people and I don't know why. I turned off early to avoid them and ended up walking all the way to the lake. A few times I even broke out into a run, and after I got my breath back and my stitch subsided, I felt victorious.
That walk ended up being two hours long. I listened to the entire Recovery album, then Eddie Vedder, Adele singing the Cure .. suddenly I HAD to hear Nick Cave's Ship Song immediately. Downloaded it straight from iTunes as I walked past the metal bridge. Because we live in the future now.
It's such a beautiful goddamn song. I cried. I'm lonely. It's not killing me. I'm completely ok.
When I got home I cleared out clutter and crap for hours. Both boys bedrooms are now ready for when they get home. I sculled Red Bull and ate chocolate and watched the new U2 documentary From the Sky Down. I felt like I'd cheated on Bono with Eminem lately, but it's cool. There's enough room in my heart for both of them. Fascinating that Em is only just now realising spiritual shit but Bono has been on that path for ages.
I opened the window near the kitchen sink, to free a trapped black butterfly. It didn't notice that it could just fly off at any time.
When I was in my first rehab I did some family of origin work about the roles we play. Even as adults, we can use survival mechanisms that we don't need anymore. It's like we're soldiers stuck in some Korean jungle, still fighting long after the war is over.
I blew a gentle breeze on that black butterfly, and you know what he did? Swear to God, he flew straight outside and started soaring and divebombing past the window, back and forth. Like an eagle. I think I saw a teeny fistpump, before he flew away.
I cried for a lot of reasons. It's good to notice things again.