Thursday, 1 December 2011

"If one woman were to tell the truth about her life ... the world would split open."

I nearly died a few times this year.

Every morning I get up and light myself on fire. My flesh burns as I stumble in to take a piss. At the coffee machine I start to melt down to the bones. My boys play and fight on the floor and I tell them to get dressed as I burn and burn my motherfucking self to the ground before I hope in the car and take them to school. I meant to write "hop" just then but I'll leave it as hope. I hope in the car and hope at the shops and hope at home. Sometimes it's all I have. I look in the mirror and see ashes and a broken spirit and smoking flesh. This is a good thing.

Every morning I must do this. So every morning I do this. I'm not who I was yesterday and neither are you. Tomorrow I will be different again. As soon as these words are written I'm different. I'm never who I was.

I'm always fucking running. That shadow ... some days it's as big as the world I'm trying to change in me.

My stakes are higher than ever now. I get asked what it feels like. Snakes in my veins. Rats in my belly, restless and hungry. Insatiable. Yet I know I can have nothing - not a sip, a bit, a taste, a line. Nothing. My edges cannot be taken off. I'm very edgy and it's very, very hard.  Some days I dream of running far away and doing dreadful things. Absolving myself of all responsibility of any goddamn thing. I think of my dad and the genes he shared and how easy it would be to fall over and give up.

I give up in different ways, to survive. My head is a roaming beast that's hard to sit with. Surrender to win, they say.

Not too long ago I lay down in my bed and sleep would not come. I had poisoned myself. God set up screens for me, my own show. All weekend I watched the worst parts of humanity played out. Dead people and babies and killers and demons and bloody bloody hate. People jumping from towers. I went classically insane. This is not a metaphor. I begged and bargained as this went on for four nights straight and just when I thought I was trapped forever it all left and my eyes looked like mine again.

I'm a soldier.

When I was a kid we lived in Fiji and had this catamaran. I remember the sound of the sail unfurling, the sharp noise as the wind suddenly caught it. I kept hearing that sound in my psychosis, over and over. It was a set of Angels wings, unfurling and unfolding and protecting.

How cool it would be if those wings were mine. Metaphorically. If I had finally earned them. Maybe they are .. maybe I have triumphed and won.

Until the next day, when I must get up and set fire to myself again. Kill myself over and over again, in order to live.



  1. I am trying to catch my breath and wrap my head around these words.

    I worry about you and yet, at the same time, I don't. You are unbelievably strong . . . strong enough to fight off the demons when necessary and smart enough to know when to run when the fight could not be won.

  2. Do you believe we are only dealt with that which we can personally handle? I do. You are one remarkable woman.

    You take my breath away. xo

  3. I'm speechless. Which is, on occasion, a rare occurance.
    Last night my blood was boiling from a quick reminder from the past that I had once shoveled so deep down inside, it made me squirm with disgust and self hatred.

    Thank you, a thousand times over, for the counter-reminder that I am not who I was then. I will never be again.
    Eden, so help me, you carry us all.

  4. Didn't someone wise (and biblically bearded?) say 'The truth will set you free'?
    Your truth is liberating (once it stops stinging) - for you and for those you share it with.

  5. Glorious Phoenix ~ mythical creature capable of flight and resurrection ~


  6. PS: that is the first time I've ever heard the opening quote. whoa.

    Truth, with a capital u.

  7. Hey Eden

    Your writing reminded me of TS Eliot's Four Quartets, particularly the final one where he talks about the voyager and how the person who arrives at the destination is not the one who left the harbour.

    Thanks for being inspirational and challenging every time I read you.

    Lydia x

  8. Wings unfurling.



    believe in those who are protecting you -- your nana that you talk about -- and your grandfather -- I'm usually not one to give advice -- as a kind friend once admonished me on my blog about my writing (ahem..eden...) but this is a special case because it's you and I love you and we, I think, share something deep... I'll tell you what I do for me -- because I've been near that brink you talk about... and because I know my world is flat and there is an edge I can fall off of where dragons indeed lurk -- I have to protect myself...protect my energy, protect my heart, shield myself from the darkness that exists in every corner of the blogosphere because it is, after all, a microcosm of all of our hearts -- but I suspect that you, like me -- like our fathers before us -- were sponges of a kind -- they took it in and in and in -- and the using was just a way to keep from being swallowed up...

    and so -- my uncle (my father's identical twin) has said more than once to "push the happy buttons" - which sounds stupid and simplistic and I hated each time he said it -- but as I grew older I understood that that was what saved him from his twin's demise -- that he protected himself from the darkness that my father couldn't keep himself from.


    that and "don't let the bastards get you down"

    My love to you eden. You know that, I pray -- hold on to your talismans and surround yourself with light and let those who protected you when they were here protect you now that they aren't...



  9. Eden,

    This post scares me, are you okay? I do realize that is a ridiculous question considering the tone of this post. It also frightens me that I relate to this post- on some levels. Because life sucks and is HARD!!! You wrote that you cannot take anything to calm you, but not even a Unisom to sleep? That's the only way I can sleep as I have very bad insomnia. Or maybe anti-anxiety meds? You are probably laughing while reading this as I have been a reader for some time and I should KNOW by now that you cant take anything. But it seems that you need some sort of relief from the pain your mind puts you through on a daily basis. I know I do. And you are not allowed to off yourself, because I'd be really pissed if I couldn't read your blog anymore. So for my selfish blog reading reasons, stay here. Alive, please. Take care and please understand how many people adore you. Lisa

  10. Nothing I write can match the words of your blog. My words catch in my throat.

    [deep breath]

    Know that the intensity of your daily fire, your burning wings don't impede those that love you from enfolding you in their arms, from accepting you without getting scalded, scarred or scared.

    You beautiful phoenix!

  11. We would have to worry if you stopped talking, stopped laying it all here. We all see shards of ourselves in you. It is because we are connected in this living breathing Universe.

    I think you have wings.

    hugs from here to there...

  12. In the words of my Guru, The Amazing Dory... Just Keep Swimming. It is all you can do Miss.

    Just keep Swimming.

  13. I've been thinking about you, and wondering how you are doing. I know that you are battling the darkness and the demons it holds.

    I'm seeing it around me everywhere. Amongst my framily - my friends that are my family. The ones I have chosen very deliberately... They too are battling the darkness. As am I.

    Is it the closing of the year? One where mother nature has yelled and screamed for us to pay attention? Is that what is causing this building of anxiety and dis-ease amongst us? ....

    Madam Bipolar and I have decided to decorate the darkness - she has fairy lights. I have balls, big shiny ones. Want to help? If we are going to be there together we may as well make it pretty...

    Keep writing your truth Eden. Keep keeping it real.

    Light and love gorgeous woman. xx

  14. I know you may not feel it but goddamn your writing is so pure - we all sit here and nod along to some of it and say "yep, that is me" but none of us are able to articulate it as poetically as you.

    You have lived a 1000 lives already and keep on fighting, hoping - that is why we love you.

  15. that noise you hear ARE your wings. Your phoenix wings rising from the ashes.

    Or you are a fucking Pokemon and that is AWESOME.

    If I could I would jump in my car and come and get you. Wrap you in my arms and hug you.

    And I don't say that shit lightly.

  16. Wow, I just don't know what to say. I should.... try harder. Because that is a cop out. Reading this makes me think I really don't have much to complain about at all.
    Just keep swimming, Eden. Lean on us when you can.
    There are a lot of stranger folk out here who, well, really love you. Hope that helps, even a teeny bit.

  17. I wish you could put out your hand and feel mine reaching out to you....reaching out in need and reaching out in comfort.

    Two nights ago I had a noose around my neck, trying to think why I should live when I have nothing and no one to live for. But I, literally, descended the ladder and put the noose under my dresser....for now.

    Reading your post, your struggle, your pain, makes me realize that we all have our demons and to keep fighting may just be the definition of life.

  18. Hope....and LOVE.
    your mind, that tortures you, gives so much to so many.
    AMAZING in your generosity that you share it with us.
    Thank buddha for you and your soulful writing lady.
    Do you even realise how fucking courageous you are?

  19. Eden,
    I agreee with Misha, you remind me of a Phoenix, rising from the daily ashes.
    Take each day as it comes, one foot in front of the other, that's all you can do.
    Take care of yourself, we are right here with you.
    Much love & big hugs
    Lisa xxx

  20. Flapping like a crazy batshit banshee for you x

  21. Physical exhaustion helps me keep the mental and emotional pain at bay. It doesn't make it go away but it dulls the ferocity. I Forest Gump it and run and run and run. You need to do something, it sounds too painful to stay where you are.

  22. ps. I hear and feel angel wings all the time, they are very real

  23. An amazing insight, hon. I think you're a lot tougher than you think you are. You understand the importance - both for you and your boys - of continuing on, no matter what.


  24. Best post I've ever read - by you or anyone else.

  25. Sometimes depression can be so deep that you can also have some psychosis- visual hallucinations, overwhelming fears, paranoia. If this is what you are experiencing, get thee to a doctor stat please. That should not be something you should have to endure night after night.

    And for Anonymous, whose noose is hidden under the dresser, once upon a time I lived through a winter that lasted years upon years, and I too almost took my own life several times, sure it would never end. And now that I have found my way to this Invincible Summer, I am constantly grateful that I kept putting one foot in front of the other until I reached the other side.

    If you are in America, you can call the Hopeline: 1.800.SUICIDE (1.800.784.2433)

    In Australia, you can call The Lifeline: 13 11 14

  26. I don't have the words to put here what I want to say, but thankyou.
    Thankyou for being truthful.
    Look after yourself beautiful lady xoxo

  27. As painful as this post is, it is one of my favourite things you've ever written. Much much love.

  28. I think they are your wings Eden. Only you haven't noticed it yet.
    That burning? It sucks, but it's there because you're still fighting. Sure some days harder than others, but you are still fighting and it's because you still care.

    But maybe that's just the thing. No one ever tells you that life is a battle, you will be fighting for something or other.
    No one tells you that some nights you will be filled with so much self loathing that instead of sleeping you're privvy to your own horror movie being played out.
    No one ever tells you that there is no escape, even in drugs or alcohol, that it always catches up to you in the end, because you need to slow down, or stop running for a moment. The harder you push to escape the faster the darkness chases you and you shoot yourself in the foot because you can never go back to that second slower.

    Sometimes I wish we didn't have opinions of ourselves. That we were unable to for them. Then I couldn't be filled with so much useless self hate and self doubt.
    Then you could see just how much you light up a room, just how much you glow, and how wise you can be. Even when you're on fire.

  29. Raw. It's in the air. I think a few of us feel it right along side you. I didn't think life was supposed to be so mentally excruciating. It seems a private kind of hell at times. I, too, run from something I can not see, and feel its all encompassing suffocation. But then it clears. Without warning. Giving me a chance to regroup. To rebuild. Only to do it all again.

    I like to live by the adage "fall down seven times, get up eight". Knowing I only have to get up one time more than I fall means I am here to love and enjoy my family just that little bit longer. Means I'm a success every day. You are too Honey.

  30. Amazing. Too amazing for me to have anything decent to say, but too amazing to read and not say anything at all.

  31. So my question is when are you coming to hang out with me in Witta? We have a lake, we are in the middle of nowhere, but close to somewhere, and it is somewhere where you can lick your wounds.


  32. "I think of my dad and the genes he shared and how easy it would be to fall over and give up."

    Remember that you are the one who will break the generational cycle of addiction. Do it for your boys. I know that that is fucked and not fair.

    I♥your work and your words and your vital energy Eden.


  33. I, like Megan, run. And run. And run. Because I can't spill it in the cyberworld.

    Nothing I write will be enough. So, I'm leaving it at this ♥

  34. Smack me in the face why don't you? Fucking shadows.

  35. I've only read this set of comments once. But I'll read them again, probably at midnight. I hear you out there, even the ones that don't comment. You know I write it for you, too. For us.

    And now I must do a post on top of this post, because for fucks sake Eden.


  36. No words for you my love. No words.

    So with those snakes in your veins remember this - every day you get up you do not kill yourself over and over, you tell those demons I am bigger than you, stronger than you, see, SEE, I live louder and stronger every day, for me, for my man, for my boys, for the world.

    Then, in your loudest bad-ass voice tell them loud and clear that you're sick of all those mutherfucking snakes in your veins and blow them to mutherfucking smithereens.

    And you know, sooner by a Pokemon than a Power Ranger. Have you watched that show lately? Far out brussel sprout, if they spent a QUARTER of the time they spend getting ready fighting the evil plastic goblin of the day then maybe they'd win more often and more swiftly. That shit is messed up.

  37. Icarus. But with a different ending. You can change your history

  38. Your post is haunting me, Eden. I keep coming back to your words. I want to say something just so you know that I am here and I care.

    I haven't been blogging or even reading blogs for very long, but yours is the one that never fails to make me think.

    You are a beautiful soul & one we need here with us in the world.

    I wish you hope & love.

    And a good dustbuster to clean up those ashes each morning. x

  39. Sending love Eden... I also know that anxiety... frightens me too. And still, a day at a time I front up, often in all my mad glory. No apology. I yam what I yam. Thank God for you - thanks for sharing xxx

  40. This is the thing:

    you write of the truth.

    You tell the truth.

    How many others are walking around with their hair ablaze, like an anime, and not whispering a word.

    Feeling that heat of a thousand suns on their heads, and they keep putting one foot in front of the other...with not a sound allowed out of their souls.

    We are so lucky to have the internet.

    So dang lucky to have the internet.

    I love you.

    Now, pass that jug of water here, will you?

    It's winter here, and the holidays: and I always think how my father lost his mind over the holidays and killed himself when I was 6 years old.

    So, yes, getting hot in here: the water, please.

    I love you, Eden Reilly.

  41. Gripping words Eden. You may well be on fire every morning but you are also winning every day you get up. You tell the burning truth. You remind us all that in our frailties we are not so different deep down. There *are* however, some that are braver than most. Love. xxx

  42. Three things:

    I love you

    Please don't ever end yourself

    Get some Vit B12


  43. Eden. I have been battling the dark that comes at this time of year for 14 years now. I finally agreed to try a new cocktail of anti depressent/ sleeping pill. On one hand its given me some nights of peace and on the other I haven't been able to write my Blog for 4 fucking months! They have turned me into an obedient zombie and I am only gonna get through this with help of my fellow bloggers. Bummer of a choice really, write from your heart and jump in front of a train or accept the drugs and switch off your creative brain. Its so bastard hard but we have you and we have each other and we can fight it together. Love You Donut Child xxx

  44. You write the words that none of us are brave enough to write, you voice the thoughts that none of us are brave enough to admit to.

    Onward and upward Eden, it's the only way to go

  45. Ouch, fuck, ouch.

    Please just stop running. Just stop. x

  46. You are the space behind the cravings, the wanting and the burning.
    You are not your thoughts, or your emotions - you are the space that allows the theatre of life to perform, moment by moment.
    You are stronger than you know.
    If you don't get a publishing contract soon then the world is truly fucked.

  47. You are amazing Eden. In so many ways. Your strength of character, your honesty, your writing. I'm speechless after reading this. You are so talented.

  48. This is beautiful. You are beautiful and so talented. Love to you and your family.

  49. Words are inadequate. Just willing the strength that is deep within you to well up and carry you through this. You know you can do it. You can. Because you are Eden and you are awesome. Just the way you are.

  50. I almost missed this post. I am so glad I read it now, when I need it most.

    They are your wings for sure.

    Your writing is absolutely freak'n amazing.


Write to be understood, speak to be heard. - Lawrence Powell

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