Thursday, 10 November 2011

Carotid rhymes with garrotted.

I've had this sore neck for a few weeks, because of a lump. Aren't lumps brilliant? "Hi, I'm a lump. I could be nothing ... or I could be everything. AND YOU DON'T KNOW MWAHAHA."
My logic says that because my husbands lumps turned out to be the worst case scenario, then probability dictates I will be fine.

I thought it would just go away but it didn't, it got bigger. Today, the doctor didn't say, "Oh that's just a swollen gland." She asked me all these questions and I told her about the swooshy noise I hear and the light-headed feeling, and thinking I was going to faint. I laughed and told her that I've had an *especially* stressful week and when I get angry it feels like my lump pumps so much blood it's going to explode ... like, Homer Simpson after he ate that huge sandwich.

She laughed too and then she told me we need to rule out a Carotid Artery Aneurysm.

I KNOW .... isn't that the coolest thing? I could drop dead any moment. This is thrilling to me. I'll die on the operating table, of course. My Highly Dangerous Carotid surgery, with the HOTTEST carotid surgeon in town. He will fall in love with me, laying there. And Dave will feel bad for going to footy tonight.

So, I have an ultrasound and some bloodwork tomorrow. If it looks suspect, it will be followed by a CT scan ... the word biopsy was mentioned.

I think this is highly amusing. I know I shouldn't, but it's so absurd - there is no way I have a goddamn aneurysm. We just need to rule it out. Dave has had cancer ... he took the bullets for all of us, forever, right? Isn't that how life works?

Maybe I'm a tiny bit concerned - only because it feels like I have a goitre. So we still need to work out what it is. I wasn't going to write about this tonight, but I need to take the power away from it, lest it all build up like a hot air balloon of mania.

I'm blessed with some of the best blog readers of all time, and as google is not being of ANY help to me, can anyone tell me if they have any experience of this? I would appreciate it.

I know I'm fine.

I also know I'd like to be buried in jeans, my black skull t-shirt, and yellow boots. I want everybody to get so drunk at my funeral they vomit on my casket. I want weeping and hand-wringing. And bagpipes.

And the usual empty promises people make at funerals, vowing to change their lives for the better. And I want the single people to hook up and have sex in the bathroom.

And curried egg sandwiches.



  1. I was all there until ... curried egg sandwiches? Really Eden, REALLY?

    I am sure that you're fine. Mostly. Like, 65%. Probably more. It's NOTHING. Unless it becomes sentient and then you're in trouble.

    (Also, I'm really tired and making no sense.)

  2. I make KILLER curried egg sangas. Will make a million for your funeral, okey dokey?

    Good luck!

  3. Taking the power away from it!! I Love the way you're dealing with this Eden. I would be crying uncontrollably like a mad woman. Even though,like you say, it's most likely nothing. At the moment, I worry about every bump, ache, mole, pain etc and blow it waaaay out of proportion. Whereas you write a blog post with curried egg sangas and sex in the bathroom.
    Hoping the tests go well tomorrow Eden xxxxx

  4. Its the not knowing that's the shocker isn't it? At least they are getting onto it quickly, so if it is some bad news, you can name it & shame it, deal with it & get on with your life. And not your death, because curried sanbos would be a serious downer.

  5. Eden,
    I agree, the red boots, they are kick arse!
    I'll happily come, eat & drunk to excess, the vomitting I can't promise, sorry!
    More power to you....
    Lisa xx

  6. I actually do!
    Well, Greenie does. But ultrasounds and many expensive specialised doctor visits later and it's a cyst. Can't operate (or should I say it's not encouraged) because the cyst is right under the nerve that controls the jaw and if nicked it could make one whole side of his face go slack, and as it's of no harm to him the surgery would be cosmetic and I won't run the risk just because of a lump and cosmetics.
    The lump sometimes gets bigger, sometimes smaller but it's never disappeared completely. Also the skin where the lump is has discoloured, sort of like a red bruising. That hasn't gone away in...gosh over a year now?
    It was not cancer or anything harmful, so I was happy. That's all you can ask for right?
    Sending you healthy lump vibes.
    Please let us know when you know what your lump is. We should name it!

  7. I promise ou your blod as my witness to get horribly drunk, have amazing sex in the bathroom and have egg sandwiches. Then and only then will I throw up on your casket.

  8. Dear Eden, The red boots for sure... Curried egg sandwiches of course...... BAGPIPES are a must !!! have googled everything and come up with... not really sure.... Lets wait until tomorrow...I sound like Scarlett O'Hara.. Gone with the Wind.. I will think about it tomorrow, when I get home to Tara... hopefully the Carotid Garrotted will be just another wee lumpy that will leave you in peace....Love your blog post to bits as usual... your blogging friends are as usual amazing and will continue to be such a huge, major part of your life..... You are amazing, you have so much more to give the whole world... I am in awe and will continue to be so....Go Softly until tomorrow...Eden's

  9. Whoa - I have helicopter noises too! A whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop? Geez, my GP talks about pinched nerves and neck stuff, nothing near as exciting as yours.

    And won't it be a good tale in time to come... "Remember the time I almost had a carotid aneurysm?"

  10. bloody hell... all the best for tomorrow..

  11. i was right there with you til the curried egg sandwiches too. no. just no.

    and also why do only the single people get to hook up and have sex in the bathroom?!? can't we marrieds also partake in sex in the bathroom? with our respective husbands/wives of course.


    p.s. you're gonna be rock n roll fine, why? cause you're you and you just hafta be mmmmmmmmmk?

  12. They told my grandpa he would die and then he lived another twenty five years. He was literally too stubborn and cantankerous to die. That's you. You're like an 80 year-old Southern Baptist Minister/Korean War Vet. It's probably a cyst.. or a big pimple. Have you ruled out a pimple? :) XO

  13. Having sex in the curried egg sandwiches is a BIG ask, Eden.

  14. Lumps suck man. I had one out last year and was ready to plan my funeral. Turned out to be ok.
    I love the red boots but you have walked so many more miles in the yellow ones. They are part of you!
    Cant wait to see the post where you tell us how you "almost"had a Carotid Artery Aneurysm and everything was all good :)
    Lots of love Eden.
    P.S. Its ok to not be ok xx

  15. Curried egg? So not coming.

    Except I promised I would. But I will have Maccas at Penrith before I get there.

    You will be fine. Feeling Yoda about this. The lump is just your novel trying to break free. Xxxx

  16. Oh God Eden. This is the worst thing I've read all week! Curried egg sandwiches???????

    You'd better not freaking die because there's no way in hell I'm eating curried egg sandwiches!

    Nothing else useful. Crossing everything (Boobs included. Yes. They're really THAT huge and droopy) that all is fine.

  17. keeping you in my thoughts today. Here's hoping there's no need for curried egg sandwiches. There won't be. Not only did your man take one for the team, but you've got yellow boots. I'm pretty sure that qualifies you for superhero status. Which pretty much makes you invincible. Right?

  18. Oh yeah, you're totally 100% fine. I'm sure it's a rule. I read about it somewhere. Maybe on the Internet.

    It WOULD be one hell of a funeral though. Imagine all the blog posts about it. Everyone would be tweeting through the service - #deadeden would trend for sure.

  19. The good news is that the ultrasound/CT scan are definitive and you will know what it is. Not knowing is worse than knowing and dealing with it, right? And if they suspected things were bad we would be reading this post-procedure not pre-procedure because they wouldn't wait.
    Aneurysm surgery is pretty simple and straightforward. Think rubber tube with a weak spot that lumps out on the side at the weak spot. They remove the weak section and sew the good ends together. Bingo - good as new! They make it sound scarey so they can charge you more :-) I've taken care of tons of patients pre and post surgery. Piece of cake.
    I'm sorry you're having to go thru this. Sorry it brings up the bad stuff you've aready gone thru.
    You might want to rethink the curried egg sandwiches since we are vomiting into your casket. Those smells are going to last forever
    xo Linda

  20. It wouldn't be so bad if it was like a Grey's Anatomy episode, where the doctors are all hot and brilliant and save peeople most of the time. Plus you would have awesome theme music playing, and deep, meaningful conversations where you pour out your heart to total strangers. Kinda like a blog.

    Sure it will be fine.

    Best of luck Eden. Xxx

  21. Oh, Eden. We will help you through, whether your lump be your novel-to-be (of course, Mrs Woog!) or a flea bite. Further, word has it that goitres are coming back in.

    Red boots; curried egg sandwiches for those who can/not stomach them; sex for all (not compulsory).

    Plus, to *egg* us all on, you'll be there!

    Love ya.

  22. Lumps.
    Seriously, bloody lumps.
    The word is enough to scare most of us half to death these days.
    BTW, I would happily rot in hell over rot in curried egg any day.
    Positive vibes for moro.
    (As in positive news, not positive test results for something damn horrendous.)
    Don't you dare keep us hanging on this.

  23. All I can promise is that I will be there at the funeral. And that I will consider all the single blokes seriously. But cannot promise the bathroom thing. No, not even for you...

    Hope you OK. Think lollipops and rainbows and happy endings....

  24. Your blog readers are hilarious! I'm googling curried egg sandwiches because I'm pretty sure I don't like curry. XOXOXOXOXOXO Will be thinking of you.

  25. Get knotted carotid!!!
    Prayers and hugs for tomorrow. Just breathe................

  26. Red boots for sure! You will be fine. I dont like egg sandwiches, but promise to get drunk and vomit in your casket because who am I to deny someone their dying wish? Oh that's right, YOUR NOT DYING! Yes, Dave took all bullets and you have a very large mosquito bite. That is all.... Much luck! Lisa

  27. Lumps can suck it! However, in the case that we needed research, I trugged to the grad library of my medical college in the torrent of rain last night and found the archaic Book of Karma, in all its wisdom. Therein it clearly states the laws of Karma will not allow aneurysms after cancer battles.

    Right there. In black and white. It's just bad mojo. So you're safe!
    In seriousness though, my best wishes are sent to you in a giftwrapped box strapped to the neck of a baby wombat. (Those are cute, right?)

  28. I suspect that by serving curried egg sandwiches that you will be ensuring the whole "vomit on my casket" thing!

    Luckily there will be no need for egg sandwiches of any kind because the lump is nothing too serious but could get you on a show like "My Strange Medical Condition".

  29. Can I have your red boots? :)

    all jokes aside - know that there are a whole lot of people right there with you in spirit today - god its gonna be crowded!!

    sending you love and light eden. x

  30. "I wasn't going to write about this tonight, but I need to take the power away from it, lest it all build up like a hot air balloon of mania. "

    I feel like I start every post on my blog with that sentiment.

    I love you so much and can't wait for your post tomorrow to say, "Don't worry, I'm find, but single people...keep having sex!"

  31. I always wonder if doctors take a whole semester in college where they perfect the art of freaking the ever living shit out of people and then forcing them to wait for results.
    Hey, you could have a carotid artery aneurysm, so let's go ahead and make you wait at least another day before we do anything about it.
    I guess it says something about how little their worried about it since they didn't whisk you away right then and there to figure it out. I'm sure it's nothing but will be swallowing lightly thinking of you today.

  32. I will forever adore Mrs. Woog for the lump is your novel yearning to be free.

    I am thinking of you.

    As ever,


  33. It's a novel for sure!

    Be safe xo

  34. Dude, it's not possible for you to die. Surely with everything you've been through you're like a cockroach - able to survive a nuclear holocaust?

  35. Funnest funeral EVAH!

    My sense is that this is simply your throat chakra telling you it needs some clearing, some attention.

    Sending you my love, as always. From your foo-foo woo-woo friend.

  36. Just found your blog - you have to keep going! Is the vomit on your casket like when people used to throw handfulls of soil? good luck tomorrow - shocking thing to go through....

  37. Hilarious!

    I have similarily bad reactions to potential bad news. I recently got one of those phonecalls from the Doc, you know the one where they want you to come in to get results instead of just telling you over the phone? So instead of being super worried, I told my friend that I was probably dying now. We had a good laugh and spent the afternoon writing a list of music to be played at my funeral!!

    But I was ok, and I hope you are too. Best of luck for today xx

  38. no.

    i forbid it.

    you will not die until i make it to australia and meet all of you.

    end of discussion.

  39. oh dear, I hope everything is ok. It is much much more likely to be ok than not. I read somewhere recently that 'the body whispers before it screams', so just think of this as your body having a quiet word in your ear to get some stuff sorted out so the shit hitting the fan does NOT happen.

  40. I hope all tests etc go well and that it's all a bunch of nothing. Hugs to you.

  41. My family also has jokes about curried egg sangas being a must at funerals!

    I'll be thinking of you and hope your tests go smoothly.

  42. THANK YOU to all of you 41 beautiful people for saying something here. I fucking love you.

    Still no word ... couldn't get an ultrasound until the 23rd Nov! So my doc has to call and make them do it earlier but she's not back til Monday. So, it's all just a sign that there's no rush, there's no aneurysm, and now I just feel like a curried egg sandwich.

    But if there is an aneurysm, I'll call him Homer.

    I love how some of you have said you will vomit INSIDE my casket. That is true friendship.


  43. OK, honey:

    Parallel lives here.

    I had a tender, very sore right breast. Just went in with my mammogram yesterday morning: all sweaty and light headed and prickly scalped from the "what if.." and would've paid all the money I had to shut my brain's chatter the EFF UP.

    Every thing was fine: films all normal.
    I said a prayer right then and there.

    I will do one right now, for you.

    Yes, lumps.

    STOOOOPID lumps.
    Love you, woman.


  44. I'll be there with boots on. In about 50 years from now. Because it won't be nuthin. You're destined to check outta this world in a WAY more 'innneresting' way. K?

    A while back I had a cyst on my thyroid which looked like a goitre (your sisters teased me well on that one). During the biopsy, while the needle was extracting the cyst gunk, the nurse kept saying "Don't swallow". So of course that's exactly what I did. I swallowed like there was no tomorrow.

    Good luck with the upcoming pokin' and proddin'.

  45. I'm only coming for the sex.. It's been a while.

  46. I make the most kick arse curried egg sandwiches. ever. Shame you wont get to eat them though. Bummer.

  47. Fuck it I should have read the comments first. Looks like Kellie has the curried egg sandwiches covered. I will have to get drunk and sing at your funeral instead. I have been told my singing sounds eerily similar to the bagpipes. So we can spend the bagpiper money on drugs. (well if I am gonna get pissed I may as well get properly smashed)

  48. A friend of mine has something like this. He had it checked out a few weeks ago. His was a cyst that they'd rather not remove because it's too close to something - tendons, veins? I'm not sure.

    Hope it's nothing serious, Eden.

    Will there be a vegan option at the funeral? ;)

  49. what about deviled eggs? much nicer presentation, same effect minus the wheat for those who are intolerant. That aside, bravo for bringing the taboo 'mortality' back to the surface....
    Inevitable, undesirable and plain old scary... especially if children are involved.
    lump schmump, be gone!
    like you said dave took it for all of you.
    love and light x

  50. Wow curried egg sandies are getting a bashing here! I love em, and I'm not ashamed to say it. I hope your lump of nothing is just nothing which it will be x

  51. I've never had one, but I've been the nurse after many a carotid aneurysm repair. It, out, snip and tuck. Never had a problem.

  52. OK, here's the thing. If you fucking go and do something as grandiose as die from a carotid artery aneurysm (which I keep saying as carroted - so yeah - you go die and I'm going to tell people, 'did you ever know/read Eden at Edenland? Yeah, so sad she got carroted. Anyway...' as if THAT shouldn't be incentive for you to hang around) I will be SO FUCKING ANGRY at you. There you go, motivation if ever I saw it NOT to get carroted.

    2. I'd be making the curried egg sandwiches and totally competing with Beth to see who could make the better version.

    3. I'd get Beth to pick me and Woogsie up on the way - even though it's not on Beth's way at all but then Beth and I could stink Woogsie out with all the curried egg. Then we could all get Maccas at Penrith and Woogs could berate me about how a Filet of Fish is not a real burger and I could totally call her on how if she's going to eat two cheeseburgers why not buy a quarter pounder and be done with it. And so on and so forth.

    4. Bags not get Rocco.

  53. now wait just a minute, what about us married people, can we not get drunk and have sex with our partners in the bathroom? discrimination. doing it anyway because you can't stop me.


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