Saturday, 1 October 2011

Australia wants to kill you.

I can't find any photos of our dog Mischka in my computer. If she was a lion made out of stone with a massive ballsack, she would look *exactly* like the pic above.

She almost died yesterday. Five bad-arse ticks. Thank God Dave noticed the first one on her leg, he bent down and pulled it off and said, "Is this a beetle?" And we realised it was a tick when he threw it on the driveway and it popped and Mishka's blood sprayed everywhere. By the time we got her to the vet, her back legs were all shaky and her throat was raspy from the swelling. The vet took three more and out, looked straight at me and said (in front of the kids) "I can't promise you she will make it through the night. These are the worst kinds of ticks you can get and they've been pumping poison into her for a while."

The blood in my face went cold, and I pretended I was completely ok. I'm so great at that! The dog after us was euthanised and the sad owner walked its limp body out soon after. Death was everywhere!

It always is.

Mischka is fine - the good people of twitter cared more about her than the kids did. Probably because I am so awesome at pretending in front of the kids. Max turned to me a few months ago, accusingly. "Mum, you never told me how serious dad was when he had cancer."

I said mate, I didn't want you to worry! I was doing enough worrying for our whole entire family!


So, our dog didn't die. But I came home anyway ... did you know, that if you are away on a family holiday and it's cold and wet and rainy and you are the one doing most of the child-wrangling ... it's easier to just wrangle at home? I drove the kids home today. A two hour trip was a five-hour one, because I suck at solo-parenting and had to take a detour when we almost ran out of petrol. And then stop for burgers. Then milk, also: DVD's. At the end I was gripping the wheel, driving - thinking, this is so boring. I hate driving. Being an adult sucks.

Dave stayed back at the Bucket Bong Beach House. He's obsessed with clearing all the lantana, and all the changes he's going to make. We didn't argue at all, I just know when to call a spade a spade. Now I'm here and I get the bed all to myself and the kids are contained.


On the drive home I thought about many things. Like, how come people aren't offended by Eminem anymore? Also, why would the creator of the Universe invent ticks? It doesn't make sense. I asked the vet yesterday, crouched down on the floor patting Mischka. She answered, "Just to annoy the absolute shit out of us."

My friend Kit told me on twitter that she doesn't know if she could come to Australia ... we have too many deadly creatures.

And we do! How hardcore - venomous snakes, deadly funnelweb spiders, crocodiles, sharks, dingos that steal babies, tiny tick murderers. And us Aussies are all just used to it. (Or, we develop internal anxiety that runs deep to our cores.)

So, rest of the world? Come and visit Australia. We'll *try* not to kill you, but we can't promise anything.

(There's a faraway shot of Mischka HERE.)



  1. Mischka is correct. Parasites are horrid creatures; they annoy and threaten. But then you weren't actually talking about a Hilton or Kardashian. ;)

  2. Yikes!! I'm so glad your pup is going to be OK.

    I have a severe case of arachnophobia since having lived in AUS.. so, thank you Australia for that.

  3. Pretending everything is OK is a fuckin mad skill. You should get an award or something.
    Glad Mischka is OK. I need to know if she's named after Hannibal Lecter's sister. I think everyone called Mischka is, including my friend's fiance which was kinda awkward at a dinner party...

  4. I don't know how you walk around not paranoid all the time that something is going to leap out and bite you. Too many poisonous things there for me.

  5. It's good Mischka is ok. Sounds like the same type of ticks that killed our family dog some years back. They are horrible.

  6. Poor Mischka! She's a fine looking dog, though it's probably just the huge stone ballsack I'm drawn to.

    I cried at the vet on Monday when I asked her to euthanize our hand raised guinea pig. The poor little guy didn't recover from surgery. It was awful and ridiculous. It must be the week for such things.

  7. And even your non-posoinous creatures (ie, Huntsman spiders) scare the ever living shit out of me. And yet... moth to flame, moth to flame.

    Glad you doggie is okay. xo

  8. I am so pleased your dog is OK, this is why I could never have a pet, I am frightened of losing everyone, pets included.

    I forgive the Land Down under for its scary creatures that kill you because you gave us INXS, The Saints, Midnight Oil, oh and NEIGHBOURS we English LUUUUURVE that godamn soap, like seriously LOVE IT.

    Oh and Hugh Jackman, and Baz Luhrmann, so yes on this basis this English chick forgives you for your scarycritters


    p.s do any real Australians ACTUALLY ever say STONE THE CROWS?

  9. The first part of Bill Bryson's "In A Sunburnt Country" is enough to frighten the hell out of anyone. Poison jellyfish! Sharks! Disappearing Prime Ministers (is that true? Did you have a PM who just disappeared on a beach walk?) Australia is scary!

  10. Ticks are all kinds of bullshit. I'm really glad she's going to be okay.

  11. Glad your dog is OK Edenland. Hey I really love your blog btw, and I don't love that many. It rocks. xx

  12. glad to hear she's going to be ok - i've been there with a dog in Uni Vet ICU for 8 days not sure if she's going to live or die...$5000 later, she's alive and hasn't stopped wagging her tail despite being on deaths door!!

    re the dangerous animals - this song from the scared weird little guys sums it up perfectly!!

    go and have a look!


  13. So glad your dog is OK.

    I often joke about living on the edge and taking risks (when I do something amazing like have breakfast BEFORE my shower or something...) but turns out we actually ARE living dangerously just by living in this country. Ha!

  14. So glad your pup is OK. Ticks are awful. My mum lost a dog to a tick once.

    You know, I was in Canada for a few months and so many people said to me they could never come to Australia because of the sharks, snakes and spiders. My reply to them was: "You can squish a spider, step over a snake and stay out of the water to avoid a shark, but if you cross paths with a fuck-off big Grizzly bear then you're toast. I'll stick with the creepy crawlies thanks very much!" They didn't agree with me.

  15. Glad she's OK. Bloody ticks, bloody dogs. We were that red eyed family a few years ago with our old dog at the vet.... then we got a pup and he cost us $2000 in emergency vet fees... but the kids never knew how serious it was, for the dog or the bank balance. Now he is the happiest , most expensive pup we ever owned.

    My NZ friends think it's hilarious that I stomp through long grass to scare the snakes... imagine living in a land with no dangerous snakes...

  16. You know what? PEOPLE are the biggest danger of all. People are who we should fear. These seedy animals, they make their intentions well known, you know to be wary, with people you never know. You just never know. You don't know if that person is spinning a massive web of lies just to trap you and hurt you.
    Australia isn't scary, because we all have the scariest thing of all.

  17. Charlie got ticks when we went to Scotland Island. He's a human boy. He was fine but it just reminded me that I hate nature. Give me a concreted frontyard and stone lion anyday.

    As for spiders, I love them. My husband is terrified of them so I am the spider killer in the family. And I think it helps me vent a little inner rage and proves to me the superiority of woman over man. ;-)

  18. hahaha :) Bloody Australia. What a deadly country we live in.
    Now, where did I leave that kangaroo? I have to get to work!

  19. So glad your Mischka is okay. Pets really are loving members of our families.

    Yes SueBob, that is sad but true about Prime Minister Harold Holt (he died the year I was born) The last time I swam in that area in Melbourne, it gave me the creepy crawlies/heebee geebees.

    So many of my American friends also comment on not wanting to visit Oz due to our deadly wildlife. Besides snakes, I don't see many deadly creatures, but the huntsmans petrifying me, mice scare the shit out of me, I got bitten on my ear In bed by a white tail spider, but I'm still here. No one ever talks of the dangerous platypus! Maybe that's why we got the soft fluffy koalas (even though they are 'easy' and wee on you) and kangaroos (even if they crash through bedroom windows at night and attack you while you are sleeping - true story here in Canberra, or jump out from behind trees and spar with you) Come on down to the land down under!!

  20. So damned glad your pup is going to be ok.

    Also, how in the hell did I not connect you with Topcat? I remember reading Topcat. I guess that means I've been stalking you for longer than I realized.

  21. Hi.. I don't know if this will work for your PMS but it did for me.

    I got a script for fluid tablets and I used to take them for the 10 days or so before menstruation.
    PMS came on me suddenly at the age of 32 and left after a few months.

    I figure it was 'water on the brain' so let's get rid of it... and it did.

  22. OK, Americans who are afraid of the wildlife of Australia are living in denial. We have poisonous snakes and spiders and ticks and we have sharks and jellyfish. I guess they're spread out enough to make people get the illusion of security.

    Glad your dog is OK. There's gotta be someone in the family who is excellent at pretending that everything is going to be OK. Otherwise, we'd all fall apart every time there was a potential crisis.

  23. So glad she is ok Eden. Dogs are much harder than goldfish to replace. x

  24. Tell Davey Gravy you wanna move to Adelaide. No ticks and plenty of bucket bong beach shacks. xx

  25. Exactly the same thing my friends told me when I told them I was coming here. Everything here is deadly hehehe.

  26. SO glad your pup's OK. My dog heals my soul.

    When I was there on my honeymoon, I'd just been eaten alive by bugs in Fiji. ON MY FACE. So I figured death by Aussie bug wouldn't be worse.

    However. When I come visit next, I'll wrap myself in bug netting and carry a lighter and hair spray.

  27. my doggie died on wednesday... hit by a car. so so sad.

  28. So sorry for your loss, Gemini Girl. That's just so sad.

  29. My brother lost his beloved labrodor to a snake bite last week, so hearing that Miska was ok was such good news! Tough dog that.


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