Friday, 23 September 2011

New Eyes

The most painful thing in the last couple of weeks has been reconnecting with my children ... when I didn't even realise I had been so far away from them.

I was so far away from them.

At first, Rocco was confused with my outpouring of love and attention and energy. His behaviour had gotten out of control and it was up to me to fix it. I stroked his hair and looked him in the eyes. Read him books ... cleaned up his bedroom and re-arranged it and made his bed "so nice mum!"

During one big, long, uninterrupted cuddle at nightime he looked up at me in the darkness and simply said, "Best friends." I cried hard, later. Because we are not best friends, we are mother and son and I have been distracted and struggling for his entire life.

                                          "It's bwoken."

The way I can describe it is, the more Dave went along in remission from his cancer, the less well I got. I started blogging to document building my family ... I built it, and then I crumbled. Oh, Life ... darn you and your cheeky surprises!

Every single time I ever hear a baby cry I twitch and want to run over to the baby and say STOP CRYING BABY. Maybe one day, a baby crying won't make me feel like this. That day is not today. But in the meantime, I can be the mother I really want to be ... instead of a distracted, anxious woman just going through the motions and doing the bare minimum for her children.

(I'm still never having a craft box and nobody can make me.)

Max kept asking me am I ok? I said of course I am mate. I promise. He developed conjunctivitis and walked around with the reddest eyes in the world. He woke up every morning and came straight to me, sensing something that he couldn't name. I couldn't name it either, I just reassured him that I was ok. He is nine - for the first six years of his life I was an awesome mother. I want to get back to that.

I am getting back to that.

Yesterday I took him and his friend Zac down to Sydney for the opening of the revamped Sydney Tower Eye. If Centrepoint can revamp itself? So can I.

We watched Australia's first ever 4D movie, complete with a fine water mist spray during the ocean scenes. The views were spectacular. Especially this one:


                        I just spent my time looking at him looking.

The boys ran off .. I finally found them in the gift shop. Thrusting furry bottle openers in their hands, I told them they were holding actual kangaroo scrotums. The shopkeeper laughed. The boys spied a klassy stubbie and moaned, "Ohhhh yuck that's disgusting!"

               And kept looking at it to make sure it was still disgusting.

I marvelled at the energy of two young boys, cruising the big smoke. They had a ball ... at one point, climbing up onto this thing and I thought, wow, how great to have a climbing wall right in the middle of Sydney. Until I stepped back.

                             It wasn't a climbing wall. It was Prada.

They ran and hopped and jumped down the street. Annoying the hell out of all the city slickers: hell with you, city slickers. You have no idea what it's taken to get to this point.

We drove home and picked Rocco up. I said yes to lollies, movies, a school-night sleepover, and ice cream.

It was only annoying a few times.

I'm getting better.



  1. Max is go gorgeous. Great healing post my love. And that Prada wall is going to get egged next time I am in the city.x

  2. Love your new eyes so perfect we all get a bit lost at times and put our sunnies on to often. Enjoy your new 20/20 vision and don't worry when things get a bit blurry x

  3. We all beat ourselves up about being a good parent and there is never a right or wrong answer.

    I do understand how you are feeling. There are times when I wasn't as 'present' as I should have been with my family.

    Blog writing can be distracting. Finding the balance of working, blogging and raising a family can be hard if you don't have lots of help. Some bloggers make it look so easy, but aren't honest with everyone that they have help to blog, clean, homeschool etc.

    Of course, what readers love about you Eden is that you are honest and you don't pretend that life is ok when it isn't.

    Sometimes we get caught up in the worry of life.

    "You could have flown away, a singing bird in an open cage, who will only fly, only fly for freedom."

    Furry Pig

  4. You are a great mom, just because you care enough to make things better for your children. :) Don't be too hard on yourself, there are many out there who do not even see the problems much less do anything about it. One step at a time..xx

  5. Awsome cuddles. Awesome day out. Awesome mum. Really.

  6. Did you really say kangaroo scrotums? Nahh... My bet is that you said Balls.
    Please don't ever quit writing.

  7. It sounds like you're Woody to Rocco's Buzz :)

  8. You are a fabulous mother.
    Tell me, which is better, the robotic mother who doesn't feel, who doesn't show her kids that it's ok to feel, or the mother who does feel, she has her off days but she tries her hardest.
    Your kids love you just the way you are, you should too.

  9. Hugs.

    I think I need to say yes more.

  10. That looks like a beautiful time! and so wonderful that you're reconnecting, and getting plenty of cuddles in. Keep those gorgeous eyes open.

  11. blogger ate my last comment, or I pressed the wrong button which is more likely

    Beautiful post and your children are gorgeous

    'You have no idea what it's taken to get to this point'

    People rarely do which makes it all the harder.

    Glad you had a great day out but now they have 4d, I can't keep up!

  12. Its so hard to be completely present in the moment with so many people wanting a piece of you. You do the best you can with what you got. And sounds to me like that's more than enough xx

  13. I think you may be being a bit hard on yourself. Would a disconnected mother stay up most of the night making a dinosaur birthday cake??

  14. You are the best mother your kids have. That's all & that's enough. I feel I've checked out at times over the past 17 years too, but it's real, it's honest & I know my kids will be ok.

  15. I have felt this way many times since becoming a mother. x

  16. I can absolutely relate to much of what you say, Eden - I'm trying to get back to the mum I was for the first year of my daughter's life. Nearly there... I think.

    PS - I love nothing more than giving the city slickers a dose of reality via loud kids having fun!

  17. Totally get it, hon. You know how I'm feeling a little reconnection is in order at my house too. Maybe then the 4yo will stop thinking of his Drs set case as a laptop. ;)

    Max & Rocco are lookers. You are a gorgeous gal. xxx

  18. I will be keeping my new eyes open too.

    Hold onto it Eden.

  19. I only have one word for you. Legend.

    You burst my heart open with every post Eden (excuse me for stealing your beautiful line, I promise I won't use it anywhere else but here).

    Legend. xo

    ps...I love how you spent your time just looking at Max - living in the moment. That there is peace my friend. :)

  20. You will get there, Eden. You are getting there. Love to you and your boys.x

  21. Take that Prada!!! Sounds like a great day out!!

  22. I love this post.
    It's so warm - but so real.

  23. Thanks Eden,
    I love the re-connections and more so the time you are having with your is such a good thing, and you are a good Mum. Loved the pix.

    Can I also thank you
    for helping me make some sense of what I too am feeling...and realise I have been much too introspective. Much to do with my husband's life being totally shite due to Parkinson's Disease. I get caught up far too much in that circular spiral to nowhere but misery.

    I want more to my life than that...and value your words as you have written here very much.

    Thanks Denyse

  24. Healing is never comfortable, they say. And you share the discomfort, and the healing, so well.

  25. Getting myself a bit of Eden. And a bit of perspective. Thank you xx

  26. Sounds like the perfect day! Your little men are very lucky to have you as their mom. I have a sneaking suspicion that you may not agree with me but they are.

  27. What do we do, Eden?

    That which gives us life?

    How do we turn away?

    At what price?

    I don't know what to do.

  28. looks like you guys had a great time and i love that prada climbing wall.

  29. Beautiful. xx

    I'm not the mum I want to be, or dreamt I'd be and it makes me sad. I was a much better nanny than I was a mum. I hate that I gave the best of me to someone else's kids.

    I think you're amazing. I think for us to want to be better, to acknowledge that there is more than this... that's the best thing ever.

    Anywho. That was rather deep. Lots love. xx

  30. I will admit it. I have a craft box, but that is because I'm an art teacher and I have to. I think it's a law or something.

    It's way too hard to be the perfect mum. I tried, and it ended in tears. Lots of them. It's far better to be awesome, and and it sounds like you most certainly are one. What a perfect day with your gorgeous boys. xx

  31. I've been there, and now I'm here. And sometimes the there and here are not that far apart. I get it xxx

  32. I feel for you - and I love the humour you bring to the ups and downs but generally the trend is up! You are an amazing woman. With awesome hair.

  33. Eden,
    It's easy to avoid the icky stuff by staying rooted in the past or obsessed with the future. Reality has a sharp edge that brings blessings along with the little cuts.

  34. So interesting, this post. Of course it resonates with me too, as it would to so many of us (although we all have our different reasons for the disconnect, but still...). SO, so interesting about the conjunctivitis coming up when it did. Something about the eyes. Seeing. Sensing. Wowzers. Love this. Love you. But you already knew that, you amazeballs minx, you.

  35. This post is beautiful. And heartbreaking. I was a good Mum. One of the best, seriously (though like you, I'd poke my eye out before I had a craft box). I don't mean it in a smug way. Just that I am(was) so incredibly connected to my children and their feelings and such a hands on, loving, gentle mother.

    But they're not getting the best out of me. They can't be. I can't give the best of me, I can't find it. And that's so not fair to them or to Joel. It's so not fair becuase they're such amazing kids.

    I'm so glad you can write this post. God, you've earned it. You've been through so much (I get the whole holding it together in a crisis then falling the F*ck apart thing).

    Enjoy your family. Keep on being their Mum & their best friend.

    I'm going to come back again and again and again to read this, and to hope that I find the best Mum I was.

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  37. I love 'love bomb' days! When I feel like i've been a crap mummy, I 'love bomb' the shit out of my boys.....yes is my answer to everything on those days!

  38. Climbing Prada has always been my dream. I think all mums feel like this at some stage.

    If all we can do sometimes is to go through the motions, then it's better than not going through them at all

  39. Wow! This was a powerful post. I'm not in Thst place but I can see myself getting there if I don't keep my eyes open. Trying to be the perfect mum while being an imperfect, fallible human being. Underneath, you've got a big heart. Hope you find your way back as you want it.


Write to be understood, speak to be heard. - Lawrence Powell

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