Not so great, today. How do you get through the hard ones - the days where there are no fresh horses to be found so your horse just gallops along so thirsty and just REALLY pissed at being so thirsty?
Everything all comes crashing down in my head, sometimes. Everything. Mrs Woog looked at me one day and said, "I can't believe you're not more fucked up than you are!" And I thought to myself - I am, oh I SO am more fucked up than what I lead people to believe.
So there you go. Will this post wreck my brand? HA.
This is what saved me today, in a roundabout way. And if what Bono is doing disturbs you? You are lucky for not knowing darker shit. Just think of it as performance art. I think of it as "memories."
And so she woke up
Woke up from where she was
Lying still
Said I gotta do something
About where we're going
Step on a steam train
Step out of the driving rain, maybe
Run from the darkness in the night
Singing ha, ah la la la de day
Ah la la la de day
Ah la la de day
Sweet the sin
Bitter taste in my mouth
I see seven towers
But I only see one way out
You got to cry without weeping
Talk without speaking
Scream without raising your voice
You know I took the poison
From the poison stream
Then I floated out of here
Singing...ha la la la de day
Ha la la la de day
Ha la la de day
She runs through the streets
With her eyes painted red
Under black belly of cloud in the rain
In through a doorway she brings me
White gold and pearls stolen from the sea
She is raging
She is raging
And the storm blows up in her eyes
She will...
Suffer the needle chill
She's running to stand...
Still.
I stuck these letters in my old office about five years ago. Still not sure why.
you know what? you're right...you will be ok. because you maintain your dialogue with yourself. you stay all up in your own face about shizz. holding yourself to account.
ReplyDeletei stand beside you on the hard days.
anyone that has been there does.
love. and a fierce hug.
You will be fine.
ReplyDeleteShared memories of darker times babe.
ReplyDeleteTo be honest, my heart races with anticipation just watching it.
ps. We're all a little fucked up.
And that's ok.
The only thing you get from looking back is a crook neck. Keep moving, keep going, keep breathing. Keep sticking your finger up at shit that you don't like. Vent. Breathe. Laugh. Punch the wall then go and watch Oprah with a toasted cheese sandwich.
ReplyDeleteYou are doing great my friend. Bad days can go bite my big fat ass xx
We are all way more fucked up than we lead people to believe. Masks inside masks.
ReplyDeleteHang in there. Play the music loud, dance, laugh, cry. xxx
I've always loved that song...it really hits a nerve with me xoxo
ReplyDeleteLove that song...reminds me of high school, though.
ReplyDeleteOh you will be fine....trust me! Through watching my mother react to certain situations with my highly embaressing father can I suggest vodka, vicadin and therapy? Works a treat for her....just saying.
ReplyDeleteYou're doing something. You'll get there. Sometimes we've got to go back just so we can look ahead.
ReplyDeleteFabulous song.
ReplyDeleteAnd, I know you'll make it. I know you'll be ok...because you are just that fucking INCREDIBLE.
And, keep sharing the dark and the bad with the good. It's who you are and we love you.
Functioning has a different look, feel and meaning to everyone. Different levels on different days.
ReplyDeleteWe've all just got to somehow push forward. Even if the fucked up comes with us.
Love you much mate. I am way more fucked up than I let on too. The disguises we wear hey? xx
ReplyDeleteYou gotta have bad days to appreciate the good ones, and really bad ones to appreciate the bad ones and the really fucked up days make you feel like the really bad ones wernt so bad after all and hell it can only get better from here. xx The glass is always half full - even if its only orange juice...
ReplyDeleteVeronica is right everyone is a mask within a mask. Your brand is your honesty and if any of the potential sponsers are concerned just tell them its performance art.
ReplyDeleteKeep on keeping on xx
And with the highs of life, come the lows, along with paranoid thoughts. Vile, I know. Just sleep, breath and hold your boys. This will pass, you know that. Xx
ReplyDeleteSometimes all there is is darkness. Its hard to even know where you're going when it's dark. Some days I don't want it to be light ever again.
ReplyDeleteWalk on sister....
ReplyDeleteSometimes we need to dance without moving too. xx
ReplyDeleteWhen you are going through hell it is really important not to stop.
ReplyDeleteSorry you are feeling so shitty. Love that song and the four men who make that music, it goes straight to my heart and always has. Love and light x
ReplyDelete<3
ReplyDeleteA tweet asked today if we all have someone who we can talk to about ANYTHING. No limits.
My answer is no.
And there will NEVER be someone I can just unleash on like that. It's far far too much for someone else to have to know, to have to carry.
Just know the little fucked up peices of you we are seeing?
They don't make us love you any less. Seriously.
First of all, what Miss Pink said. Except for the last part. They made me stay, made me love you right away. Because you thrive despite the little fucked up bits, even the ones you don't let us see.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry. I can't watch the video. Am in a pretty terrible place right now and I don't know if it will just make me worse, I'm fairly easily triggered at the moment. SO I can offer nothing poignant about it.
Except please know that like everyone else, I'm here, I'm listening. And I think you're so many kinds of awesome, it kind of takes over.
Ive been blogging for nearly 4 years. I've been reading your blog for what? 3 months? tops. You, from day one, when I stayed up til 2am reading posts, lept into my heart and my top 3 blogs.
And I'm not alone. You're everyone's favourite, for a reason. You're admired, respected, loved for so many reasons. And those parts of yourself that you don't show us. That's ok. If you ever changed your mind, I don't think a single one of us would go anywhere.
Imagine that. Life may have sucked the big one for a long time. But you are now honestly, genuinely adored and admired by people all over the world. People who would do anything they possibly could for you, were you ever to need it.
That's not nothin.
Excuse my rambling. It is sincere, but probably very poorly put together. IF it helps. I've had Mersyndol with a valium chaser (3 in fact). And my pain level is still an 8. I'll make more sense tomorrow.
ReplyDeletesitting here at the end of a very fucked up day - no make that week...
ReplyDeleteis it bizarre that reading this makes me feel a little less like I am sitting in the dark by myself - because, somewhere over there in the dark, your sitting too...
so that means your not sitting there alone either.
and I think all I can do now is cry without weeping because my eyes hurt to fucking much!!
OK
ReplyDeleteIf I could run over there right now, and burst through your doors I would.
Instead, I'll have to just stay here, alone, in the quiet, with nothing but the sound of my sobs.
Because what people out there don't know about me.
If they knew, they'd be a lot kinder.
What I"ve seen: children shouldn't have seen.
I know I'd come running through your doors, and throw my head in your lap, and just go on till the well ran dry...
and you'd throw the clock out the window, and say, "shhhh...shhhh."
It does not disturb me what Bono is doing.
ReplyDeleteCause I can't relate to it on a personal level.
I see it as an expression, and I see the pain, as I see yours through your words,
I know some shit, but I don't know the dark shit...
I wish no one new the dark shit! everyone of you, who reveal in your comments your pain. all of you.
I wish some-one had kept you safe from the dark.
I love you Eden...from the moment I stumbled on your blog -- maybe you remember my saying once "I see you" --
ReplyDeleteI hope it's not presumptuous to say I have an inkling of what's in your head and heart right now -- given all of the tremendous change -- but one thing hasn't -- you -- you are still funny, honest, raw -- you.
You own your shit Eden -- so few of us do, I know I don't -- I'm not good at letting people see me - and I admire you for lots of reasons -- but that one most of all.
So much love to you. Keep George with you -- he may have been a fucked up force when he was alive -- but he'll follow you around and watch your back now -- I absolutely know he will.
And on that weird and cryptic note,
Love,
Pam
Exercise or go get a tennis racquet and beat the shit out a pillow. Works like a dream.
ReplyDeleteThose dark days are the worst - but thank god we have Bono to get us through.
ReplyDeleteI've always loved that song, reading the lyrics just now has made me realise that there was a part of me I didn't want to acknowledge who knew the reason why I've loved that song so much.
The rest of me just kept pretending everything was OK.
Here's to honesty, lovely one!
Thankyou.
Sometimes we have to remind ourselves to breathe and say "this too shall pass". Of course I only know you through your blog but I see how far you have come, how much you are loved and every day I remind myself of one of the sentences you typed: "Live your Goddamn life".
ReplyDeleteSo you see, your words are truly making a difference, and I hazard to bet, not only just to me.