-Eminem
I am not who I was yesterday.
I installed LinkWithin on my blog, so now at the end of every post up comes a cheery "You might also like:" ... with links to things I had entirely forgotten I'd written. My blog posting motto? Post and run, baby. Post and run.
Yesterday on twitter somebody expressed surprise when I said that my father had committed suicide. He tore my goddamn heart out and threw it in a fire. I will never be whole again. I make fun of suicide, because it is not funny.
My stepdad killed himself at Oran Park - a raceway in south-western Sydney, but his car wasn't going anywhere. To this day I wonder what he was thinking as he attached the hose to the exhaust pipe. He was facing jail time. Two days before he did it, he wallpapered my bedroom with a quite ugly blue flower print. I didn't help. He looked at me at dinnertime and said, "I thought you were going to help me."
I wish I had helped him. Not because I think I could have saved him - nothing could save him. I just wished I'd had a conversation with him. What does a guy about to kill himself talk about?
My real dad was Bill Barrie, a Glaswegian who stereotypically drank himself to death. He wanted a son, after his twin daughters .. and got me. I wish he was alive, so I could ignore him. Many times, falling down drunk, I would smile at the sky and toast him. Look dad ... I drink just like you do, arsehole!
I google earthed the apartment he was found dead in:
He chose the wrong house - falling down those stairs drunk so many times killed him. Poor bruised brain.
If I sound wry and sad and bitter, it is because I am. There is a category in this blog called "Dead Dads!"
::
I find it hard to sustain friendships. Going to ten schools does that to a person. Always the goddamn new girl with the timid voice.
I can easily coat my heart in a black ash so that it never gets hurt ever again. Spend a few years on heavy drugs, watch the lines in the sand get washed out to sea ... you learn to pretend you don't care. Then you forget you're pretending.
::
Are you still with me? I'm sorry - for all of it. I did not plan for this to happen. I'm sorry I am not who you thought I was. I am not who I was yesterday.
It was in my late twenties that I realised I was not a pathetic worthless loser. Who knew.
This morning I rattled things off to my nine-year old son, my young man. "Got ya lunch? Hat? Ok mate, be careful ... and remember, you burst my heart open every day."
He is used to me saying things like that. "Ok mum, you burst my heart too. See ya!"
I didn't burst anybodys heart open when I was a child.
Which is why Universe sent me other things, other secrets that only I know. Universe sent you secret things too, if you needed them. It's Law.
::
A few years ago I sat here, thinking up a tagline for this blog. I was watching Greys Anatomy, and right when I was poised to email my designer a cutesy line on chocolate and coffee, Meredith's voice came over at the end. "Whatever you do, remember ... as much as you try, you can't outrun your shadow."
My blog header has skulls in it. I talk of death and shadows and pain ... and my tagline is a quote from Greys Anatomy.
Every day I try to outrun my shadow. Don't you? I want to punch mine, kill it. Shut it UP. This way and that, it always follows me. Sometimes at noon I stand perfectly still, and it is gone. I probably should only ever post here on those days.
::
As I was writing this, my husband rode his motorbike into the house and parked it. It smells so cool in here. Smells like Rebellion. I'm talking him into taking some time off work and flying to Spain for a solo sabbatical. Guy deserves it. We sat here, not that long ago, when my belly was swollen ... working out his will before he got admitted to hospital.
I broke, finally, when he got cancer. I'm not ok and never will be. It's actually quite liberating.
::
My grandmother saved me with her kind eyes. She saw me. She told me I would write a book one day. I don't think I will. Maybe this is my book, occuring here in posts, in real time. I've learnt to wear the world like a loose garment. Simultaneously waiting for the next terrible and extraordinary thing to happen. I will not be disappointed.
I am not who I will be tomorrow.
Sorry babe. Running out of superlatives.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could outrun my shadow too. The little fucker just won't leave my side.
I think you have one of the biggest hearts of anyone I've known. Coated in black ash my ass. You pour your heart onto the screen every time you write, Eden Riley.
ReplyDeleteI have tried to outrun my shadow for years. I have tried ignoring that it is there. I have hidden so many parts of myself that I can't even remember who the true "me" is.
You, on the other hand, are so completely and authentically yourself every single day.
You may not be who you were yesterday, but who you are is pretty fucking special.
You make me cry like no other blogger does Eden. Your beauty shows through the pain, and your pain shows through your beauty. Your grandmother was right. This is your book. It is being written every day here on your blog.
ReplyDeleteYou (all of you) are amazing. Believe me. It's true.
ReplyDeleteyesterday is a big 'ol pile of shit with some happy fairies frolicking about in it's midst.
ReplyDeletesister, and i call you SISTER! because I understand so much of what you share. While my dad isn't dead from suicide, he's dead to me from bipolar and schizophrenia.and has tried many a time suicide by cop. how freaking romantic. not!
My great-grandfather committed suicide in my grandmother's bathroom by hanging himself. he was a terrible alcoholic with radium burns over 80% of his body. i would have liked to think if she (my grandmother) would have shared her true authentic self to me, i wouldn't have been so desperate to do so to myself.
cancer. FUCK YOU!
that is all.
xoxoxoo
Holy shit, E. Holy shit.
ReplyDeleteI needed to read this tonight. It's like you were in my head. No suicides over here, but we all have our own demons. For the last few days, mine have been trying to hunt me down. "I am not who I will be tomorrow." is just what I needed to hear.
Thank you. For saying what no one else wants to say. For being real. For all of it. Thank you.
Big sigh...big.fucking.sigh.
ReplyDeleteThis is a lot, but I can relate on so many levels. My favorite line? "I'm not ok and never will be. It's actually quite liberating."
Because it is to know that you aren't okay.
Can't outrun your shadow... but at least that means the sun shines on you sometimes, eh?
ReplyDeletePS- I like you.
Hello Ms Eden, Eminem Karaoke Star
ReplyDeleteEver since I became a mummy blogger (and mummy) all of 5 months ago, I've been forced to connect with my shadow and forced myself to hit Publish so many times. I totally get it.
I'm so glad that chick at BlogHer did not bat an eyelid when you cried at her. Good Karma got you back for not batting an eyelid at me when I cried at you at NNB2011.
I appreciate you.
Lina
I hardly ever cry when reading blogs, no matter what the subject, but you got me with "I didn't burst anyone's heart open when I was a child." My heart broke. Two things:
ReplyDelete1. YES YOU DID. You may not realise it and they may not have had the courage to show you what you meant to them, but you burst plenty of hearts, maybe so much so that the love they felt for you made them feel so hopelessly inadequate as a parent and contributed to their depression - in that crazy way that depression takes hold. I remember crying and crying and crying with my newborn in my arms feeling like I could NEVER be enough for him. Thinking he deserved so much better than me.
2. You burst hearts wide open every single day on your blog and we love you for it. Shadow and all....
Goddamn it Eden, you are an amazing soul. I found myself holding my heart as I read this, I can relate on the suicide level (the mother of my niece and nephew suicided, my dear sad and lonely friend). But what really got my tears flowing and pushed the ever-growing lump out of my throat was "Got ya lunch? Hat? Ok mate, be careful ... and remember, you burst my heart open every day."
ReplyDeleteYou are amazing. I have much to learn from you. xo
Dude. My brother died, while not by suicide. He still died and "I'm not ok and never will be. It's actually quite liberating." Fucking brilliant.
ReplyDeleteHugs.
People of the internet, wow. Stop being so nice! You are making me weepy!
ReplyDeleteAnd love yourselves more. And then teach me how. xox
Amazing. Attitude, life, words. Thank you for not being ok. Sometimes the shadow is tiny, sometimes it's bigger than we are, but it's always there :)
ReplyDeleteNo longer a timid voice, but a voice I LOVE. I look forward to the person you are tomorrow, and the next day, and the next...
ReplyDeleteI've had a day of soul searching and this really helped me throw off some shackles. Thanks Eden. Now go give yourself a hug because you're awesome :)
ReplyDeleteI think a few people have already mentioned it, but thank you for your authenticity. I have read all your entries at some point and absolutely adore you. You speak to people on such a level that has us weeping... what can I say? You're a kick arse lady with an incredible story. I wish I was your neighbour down there in the Blue Mountains so we could be best buddies.
ReplyDeleteSo I read this, and didn't know what to write. So I went and did the school run and thought about it.
ReplyDeleteAnd now, as naff as it may be, I'm just going to say it.
Eden, you speak to my soul and you make my shadow dance.
I have learned to put makeup and a hat on my shadow so that it looks like a normal person standing there. Kinda "Weekend at Bernie's" style.
ReplyDeleteBurst away x
Imagine being the same person everyday. How darn boring. That my dear you are not - you are a wonderful soul. Sometimes I run from my shadow, sometimes I sit beside it calm and sometimes it needs a punch in the face! Run, fight or accept - keep moving - one step at a time. xxx
ReplyDeleteYou never cease to amaze me, whatever the words that flow from you, they move me in away I cannot explain. Love how real you are, how raw. Its what I aspire in a writer to be one day, when I can let go x
ReplyDeleteYour words touch me deeply, Eden, how to thank you I don’t know and I’d like to share just a bit:
ReplyDeleteI lost both my younger sibs in the last three y ears-when you said, "I'm not ok and never will be. It's actually quite liberating.” I knew I had to give myself permission not to be ok. The wall close in, the heart quickens, my nose starts to tingle and then the tears flow. Night, day, going to work, coming home, reading stories of other grievers... They all come with the tear fountain that installed itself in my sinuses July 28, 2008 and rebooted June 2, 2011.
I may never be ok again. And for that freedom, I thank you.
The thing about your shadow though, is that's part of YOU. Sure it might be dark and full of all the bits of you that you don't like and it's dumb and yuck and SHIT and FUCKED but it's part of you. Look at it, remember what it stands for and let it always be one step behind you. You can only see your shadow on those really sunny days and that's why it's pissing you off so much right now. You're sunny, you're basking in light Eden Riley and that shadow is just there reminding you, not letting you forget. You can just look the other way x
ReplyDeleteLOVE you man x
And I made that seem so simple right?!
ReplyDeletePlease get out of my head and stop making me cry.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're grandmother was there for you.
I'm sorry about your dads.
I think I'll put a skull in my header...
I tried to kill myself - twice, because my ex made me believe that I was worthless and that my kids would be better off without my insanity. Isn't that like, attempted murder? I know he did it on purpose. People like him, can and do.
ReplyDeleteThe internet saved me, even now it's my only lifeline. And I'm still not totally convinced that I'm OK as I am...
Goosebumps. And not the frightened kind!
ReplyDeleteBlog on, beautiful woman.
Your book rocks.
:-)
I shook reading this. Shivers and chills.
ReplyDeleteI grew up at that racetrack. That race track that is literally 5 mins from here, that race track that i tore my pants open so many times sliding down those hills on pieces of cardboards, and later, when my mother was fed up with my ruined pants, cut outs from the side of a garbage bin.
I knew all the drivers, their families, their pit crews. I got stuck in the swamps out the back where there were sea snakes floating on a piece of foam with a mate.
Such an ugly place for you was my second home.
I have been working on a post. It's hard to write. Well hard to finish, hard to tie it all up, but it's essentially about a deep self hate.
While I post about facing some of my demons, there are still many I hide from. Even when I can't because they cast a dark shadow over me where ever I go.
I hate your pain. I hate the kind of pain I feel and that there are others that have felt it, there are others feeling it. I wouldn't even wish them on people I dislike immensely. Sure I don't feel alone for a moment, but I would rather be alone than having the guilt of knowing someone else out there has felt it too. Has felt a dark black vomit that sits on the back of their throat. That pretends for so long they don't care, they don't have emotions that they don't know how to start having them again.
YOU, Eden, are amazing. I'm drawn to read your blog, not because of the sadness you've endured, but because I'm in awe of your smile and your kindness and the gorgeous person you are regardless of where you have been and what you have had to experience. It's a reminder that we are all in charge of our own destiny.
ReplyDeleteTHANK YOU.
this made me think of BHJ...
ReplyDeletei fucking love the way you just write it out.
the recognition of myself in some of your words is simultaneously like a punch in the face and a warm soft bed on a cold cold night.
how do you do that?
scratch that. just keep doing it.
I'm glad you post on the dark days too. It's part of who you are.
ReplyDeleteI like the happy, funny Eden but I think I like the deep, complex, dark Eden just as much. Knowing what you've overcome makes me value what you've become even more.
Eden, like you said to me on my blog (which meant the absolute world to me)...
ReplyDeleteYou are beautiful. xx
I love the fact that you "keep it real" Eden. So brave of you! I think you're fantastic xx
ReplyDeleteLast night my train didn't make it all the.way.to katoomba because someone killed themselves on the track. Explaining to my 9 year old why I was late and how sad a whole bunch of people would be now - for the rest of their lives probably...she paused. And thought . And then said.
ReplyDeleteHow many teeth do I have?
Eden Riley, you are an inspiration. That is all. xx
ReplyDeleteAngry Glaswegian alcoholics sure know how to fuck up their daughters, huh?
ReplyDeleteI dress my shadow up in superhero costumes and draw moustaches on her little angry face. It helps. xx
"Which is why Universe sent me other things, other secrets that only I know. Universe sent you secret things too, if you needed them. It's Law."
ReplyDeleteplease tell us more...
I'm glad you can't outrun it. It powers you, you own it, you work it, you hold it's hand and you earn it. Then you write. That's what you do with a shadow. x
ReplyDeleteI have been trying to get back into reading a book of late but instead I find myself reading your blog once again. Sorry your dads broke your heart....
ReplyDeleteBut as you can see, you burst many peoples hearts wide open now. You have a gift and it's a beautiful one.
I've been spending time with my shadow and we're slowly learning to live in tandem. Mostly. I like what you said about being broken. I think we all are really.
ReplyDeleteA beloved family member's suicide has scarred me and my family irreparably. But we navigate our way through it every day. There isn't a right or wrong way to do that, I've learned that slowly and painfully.
I love you Eden. Thanks for giving me this space to be able to say all this.
I'm watching the clock tomorrow at 12 to see if my shadow disappears. Just for a minute in 24 hours would be nice. So damn nice. Long time reader, first time commenter. I know you wouldn't realise this, but you passed me at Blogopolis in your sparkly jacket with a twinkle in your eye and smiled right at me. Felt your energy in that moment, and every time I read your words. xx
ReplyDeleteI wanted to tell you a long and hilarious story about a crime victim and a crime scene investigator, where the victim uttered the words "This ain't the same hair I had yesterday." But, I think I'd have to spend too much time explaining the cultural references and back story. Eh, email me if you want to know. Your post reminded me of that story.
ReplyDeleteSomeone said it above - shadows don't always mean darkness. They also mean there's a light source somewhere.
Hum, while you try and run from your shadow I rage at it . . . rage at so much that feels overwhelming.
ReplyDeleteYou are an amazing heart that has seen far too much saddness in your life. You so deserve those little moments with your sons. The world is truly a brighter place because you, and your shadow, are in it.
Jenn
YOU ARE AMAZING. You literally just wrote was in your brain, flowing at that exact time. Jumped from topic to topic, and I followed all of it. Perfectly. So maybe I am as crazy/fucked up as you are? Cause I GET IT! All of it. I wish my shadow would disappear, it follows me everywhere. Definitely cannot out run it. No way. I can try to ignore it, but it always slaps me across the face. I will do my best to bitch slap it right back. Wish I could alter my brain. For a couple of reasons, to forget some bad crap that happened long ago and is useless to me, but I still remember... And to re-program my brain to not be an addictive one. I am gonna take a WILD guess and say that you would probably join me in my brainwashing. :) Keep up the amazing writing/art work. Because your writing is quite certainly art. Lisa
ReplyDeleteI am amazed and in awe of you with every single blog post. I also thank the universe for this online world because my offline world would be a poorer place without you in it x
ReplyDeleteA girl without a Father, has an orphaned little flower soul. I hear you. My Father is still alive. But he abused me so bad when I was little, that he died long ago to me.
ReplyDeleteYou can't outrun your shadow. I think that is ok too.
Thank you Eden.
I agree with BabyMac-your light is just so bright. And you're bursting hearts wide open all over the world.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I write posts along this same vein (only different) and nobody comments and I think to myself, "Well, that proves it. I am fucked up and nobody gets me." And then you write a post like this and it makes me realize that I might be fucked up but so are lots of people and maybe being fucked up is more normal than... being normal.
ReplyDeleteAnd also I think you are awesome for being so open and honest.
BIG XOXO to you, Eden.
Oh God. I can't even imagine if you had a tagline about chocolate and coffee. That's SO not you in my mind.
ReplyDeleteI was having a serious discussion yesterday with a girlfriend that this post brought back into my head. She struggling with who she is (at the ripe age of 44). She's only beginning to think about how her whole life has affected her and shaped who she's become.
The difference between us, I realized, is that I'm lucky enough to have figured out who I am, and at a relatively young age. Yes, I, too, come from a f*cked up family (don't we all?) I learned the things my parents did wrong. I learned why those things made me the way I am. And then I learned that life isn't a self-fulfilling prophecy.
When I think about being destined to repeat the same mistakes my parents made, the first thing that comes to mind is 'Oh HELL no." My mom didn't tell me she loved me unless it was after an argument and followed by the word "but." My dad might as well have been an invisible robot.
Without much thought, I'm the complete opposite with my son. Shower him with unbelievable hugs and kisses and tell him how much I love him until he's annoyed.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that you'll always be connected to your shadow but you don't have to stand under it.
xo
{{Hugs}} That's all I've got...
ReplyDeleteI fucking love you. For real, mate.
ReplyDeleteWe all have our shadows. We can't escape it. Unless we live without light and what kind of life is that?
ReplyDeleteYou know I never see your shadow because the light reflected off you is blinding. All I ever feel from you is great big doses of love and compassion.
Whenever there is a comment from you on my blog, Twitter or Instagram there is is sparkle. I smile. Sure your shadow is there, mine is too, but when I read those comments I'm blind to both of them. xxxoooxxx
For someone who doesn't make friends, you sure have a ton of them!
ReplyDeleteYour laughter is love.
I love you more today than I did yesterday x
ReplyDeleteMate you don't have to outrun that shadow - Your strength (and balls) is enough to make that fucker run for the hills x
ReplyDeleteI bet you could well write a book if you want -- you write a gorgeous blog.
ReplyDeleteAnd remember, shadows only emphasize the light.
I bet you could well write a book if you want -- you write a gorgeous blog.
ReplyDeleteAnd remember, shadows only emphasize the light.
"I didn't burst anybodys heart open when I was a child."
ReplyDeleteTears welled up in my eyes when I read that. I didn't burst anybody's heart open when I was a child either. But as you are doing, I changed that with my kids.
I love your blog and your heart. xoxo
"I didn't burst anybodys heart open when I was a child."
ReplyDeleteTears welled up in my eyes when I read that. I didn't burst anybody's heart open when I was a child either. But as you are doing, I changed that with my kids.
I love your blog and your heart. xoxo
Whoever you are is pretty awesome.
ReplyDeleteI work at a crisis nursery for children under 7-years-old and I spend my whole day playing, tending to needs, and holding these kids close to my heart, hoping that somehow they will turn out okay despite the craphole situations they live with when they leave my care and return home. You and your blog have meant so much to me because they give me hope that my sweet babies can become as AMAZING as you are. Keep writing and keep changing, growing, and feeling. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure how many people come back here and check comments. Just want to say, while I am busily writing a light post on boots to get THIS post off the top ... a massive salute to you. All of your words. Bloody blessed and beautiful, all of it and all of you.
ReplyDeleteXOXOX
You're just beautiful. I love your writing I love your honesty I love you. I imagine my shadow with pink knickers and a sombrero - so I can laugh at it.
ReplyDeletewrite a book one day, and i will buy it and tell all my friends to buy it.
ReplyDeleteand it'll show them we had an idealistic up bringing, and blessed lives and should stop trying to tear each other down with comments about weight or fake tan. we are lucky, i wish i remebered that more
Eden. I've known you for a Very. Long. Time. You are the same person, but now you're more YOU. And no-one is youer than you.
ReplyDeleteWhen we were kids, I would come to your house - your mansion - and I would hang with your crazy sisters and sometimes have a laugh with you, and then I would go home and whinge to my parents and say, 'Why don't I have a wing of a house to myself?'
Obviously now I know that the stuff around you doesn't mean shite if the stuff in you doesn't feel right.
Working through your insides by putting it on the outside for us to read is your calling. You are exactly where you're supposed to be, doing exactly what you're supposed to be doing. This blog is your platform, your circle of influence. It's where your power lies.
And you are one powerful mo-fo, darl.
Timing is everything. Unlike you I've pretty much lead a charmed life. Well until 1993 anyway. Leukemia kind squashes things a bit but I survived [as did my son] and I've gotten on with things. I have my moments but it's been a pretty good life.
ReplyDeleteI'm not going to be the same person I was last week - I was diagnosed with MS 7 days ago. Not that I'm counting. "I'm not ok and never will be" That is EXACTLY what my brain is screaming. A smile on the outside while my brain screams it.
I'm hoping that the liberating comes soon. That 'this' might be the best I ever am scares the shit out of me.
Thank you for the bravery of telling your stories. You never fail to inspire and encourage from afar. I'm sad that such an amazing woman had such a tough go of it - you deserved so much more.
One minute your posts make me laugh, and the next I'm crying. Eden you are all kinds of amazing. Your words, your heart, your open-ness ... you touch people because you write the truth. And you do it so well. xo
ReplyDelete"Posts you should not publish"?
ReplyDeleteI disagree.
Posts like this make me love you even more. How so much beauty can come out of so much darkness just blows me away.
Posts like this make me want to wrap my arms around you and give you an enormous hug.
I worry about responding to your posts like we're friends, like I know you. But when you write so expressively, so intimately, so honestly - I feel like we are.
Sending love x
Your are just such a beautiful pure soul. Tears were filling my eyes when reading your post.
ReplyDeleteI remember being told when I was in a bad place .. and I think it is true that it is in the darkness of our lives that we can best see the beauty and the light. And you have such a beautiful light. Shine on :){{HUGS}}
i love this post. the honesty and the way you have captured what everyone with a past feels. but really aren't those with a past usually the best people you end up meeting? i am tending to think so. sure it would be nice to have a sunny happy wonderful past with still married parents and such, but would i be who i am today or who i'm going to be tomorrow if i hadn't struggled?
ReplyDeleteI wish I had the words that you have.
ReplyDeleteI open my mouth, or keyboard and the words all come out wrong.
I want your words.
Even if they are from Greys Anatomy which has fucking AWESOME words.
You have an amazingly beautiful way with words. Just brilliant!
ReplyDeleteYou burst mine open the day I disovered your blog and stayed up til all hours learning about you.
ReplyDeleteYou burst it open every time you write. You burst it open when you said "Stop listening to your head". You burst it open when you said "Rocco would make the toughest gay guy" and I realised how lucky he is to be your son. You burst it open when you said "Don't wait for yourself" (God, I've been doing this my whole life). And you burst it open when you told us about Dave and about Rocco and about Alex.
I don't think there's a person who reads this blog who falls for that pretending not to care thing.
Am featuring this post on my blog today. Hope you don't mind. xxxx
You just wouldn't be able to be the amazing heart-bursting woman you are if you didn't have that ugly-beautiful shadow tacked onto your heel.
ReplyDelete...And I bet you do write that book.
Beautiful words. Beautiful story.
ReplyDeleteMy kids' dad is dead. He died in a car accident last year. He "burst my heart wide open" every day..... and I think I did his too.
...and our kids, man, they just fill me up with love. Dunno how I'd get through without them.
...and because of this post, I'm going to bring the phrase "you burst my heart open" into their days. Because it says it how it is and I've never been able to find those words before.
Thank you.
These words of yours...
ReplyDeleteI broke, finally, when he got cancer. I'm not ok and never will be. It's actually quite liberating.
::
My grandmother saved me with her kind eyes. She saw me. She told me I would write a book one day. I don't think I will. Maybe this is my book, occuring here in posts, in real time. I've learnt to wear the world like a loose garment. Simultaneously waiting for the next terrible and extraordinary thing to happen. I will not be disappointed.
I am not who I will be tomorrow.
...Touch me deeply and I think I will have to keep with me. Will paste them into a notepad. Maybe I'll even print them and put them on this silly dreamboard I have in my room.
I'm not the first to say it, but yes, this bog is you book, your life story. I'm grateful to have found you and be along for the ride.
What you said about breaking when Dave got concer and you'll never be the OK? I know exactly what you mean cuz of my husband's health problems. I'll probably never be OK either. But whatever.
ah, but this is why you write, no?
ReplyDeleteyou may not be able to outrun your damn shadow, but you can lead it to light, stand beneath the sun and dominate it for just a few moments, until the sun inches away. and that's how it is to capture a moment of life in your writing.