You know how you have days where you don't know if you're battling the worst kind of dark depression in years ... or if you really are just a useless piece of crap? So you keep challenging yourself every day, to keep trying to maintain a healthy marriage and be a fantastic mother and nurture yourself and find your Spirit and your zen but then it all just TURNS TO DUST.
And you have a nightmare about the zombie apocalypse and you wake up and even though it was terrifying, you'd much prefer to be back in your dream because real life is too hard?
Then you chew on a piece of gum and it dislodges your temporary crown. On your front tooth. And you hold it in your hand and call your sister, half wailing. 'MY FRONT TOOTH HAS FALLEN OFF AND THE DENTIST CAN'T FIT ME IN TIL TOMORROW.'
And you're ten again. You're just a child with no voice, who the rest of the family hates and hits and you are so ugly because you are a nothing from nothingland.
Can't even smile - have not been able to smile your whole adult life, always had to hide the ugly fake tooth. Always had just So. Much. To. Hide.
And your sisters voice, on the other end of the line, is howling with laughter. Which is why you rang her - you need to laugh at the absurdity and the pain and the stupidness of it all. And she cares for you and loves you so much - both your sisters do. They hold you up. They are still in your life after you push everybody else away. And they convince you that the only way to deal with this situation is to upload a video onto YouTube.
And you agree.
I think there's something wrong with me. Or, it's performance art. Not sure. But MAN do I feel better!