Tuesday, 26 July 2011

It's a Sign.

I have a home-made sign next to my bed.

You know how, in self-help books, they say to stick positive affirmations everywhere? Things like "I am a unique and special person." "I am worthwhile." "I deserve good things."

Well, they are all a little schmaltzy for me.

I battle with severe - and I mean HUGE self-esteem issues. My thinking can get all warped and slide into paranoia, delusions, extreme fear. It's really bad, and sometimes I spiral down so very low. Like that fucked-up dreg from a piece of soap that nobody wants to wash themselves with.

Back in Feb, I lapsed in my recovery after ten years straight sobriety. IT SUCKED. There was a chorus of naysayers in my head. A cacophony of vermicious knids, all telling me I was no good, worthless, terrible. It got so bad that it was kind of funny - I felt like some kind of serial killing monster. Surely I am not?

So, I decided to make a sign and stick it in a place that I would see in the morning as soon as I open my eyes - before the vulture sitting on the edge of my bed took hold.

                                              My bedside table.

I put the little boat there for my Spirit to go sailing every night while I sleep. There is a chunk of amethyst right next to my head. (To keep the drunkenness at bay.) Buddha has a metal fire exit sign behind him - I don't know why. My skull ring and a fifty cent piece in my favourite fish plate.

And stuck up on the wall next to that, is my sign.

                                                 YOU ROCK.

It just bypasses everything - cuts straight to the chase. I don't always necessarily believe it, and I'm always taken aback by it. "Do I? Really?"


I leave in a few days, and Dave has his mother coming up to help. She will be bringing her stinky partner up, and they'll be sleeping in our bed. I almost took the sign down today, but didn't.

Even my MIL's stinky partner needs a reminder that he rocks, too.

We all do.

Stop listening to your head.
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