Thursday, 16 June 2011

The Circuit Breaker.

I have had an enormously dreadful week. I've thought about giving up, moving out, breaking down, shutting shop. Life continually hands me Difficult Issues - they pop up out of nowhere BAM!

I ended up exploding with rage and anger, all over my family. They pulled pieces of my flesh and (white!) teeth from their hair and face. They forgave me and accepted my apologies.

I keep having to remember that I got this - I can do this thing called "Life." I can do hard things. And when I live my life with Spirit .... all things are possible.

It's the goddamn motherfucking truth that I always, ALWAYS have to learn the hard way.

At one point, I rang my sister in a fit of hysteria. She calmed me down and soon we were laughing. My sisters and I share the blackest sense of humour ever. Dave told me later .."I heard you on the phone. I can't believe you would say things like that hon!"

I told him that my sisters and I are Vietnam Vets. We have a terrible, shared history. It is both our right and our duty to laugh at the terrible things. "For gods sake hon, our dad gassed himself to death in the car."

The rest of that whole day I was shocked at my own words ringing in my ears. He gassed himself in the car? THAT'S SO AWFUL!


So. It has been a week of a myriad of triggerpoints and dynamics and friends taking advantage and arguments and me learning how to be a "good" stepmother all over again. Except, to a beautiful girl this time. I don't want to fuck it up. It's hard.

I can do hard things.

This morning I woke up with a cry-hangover. I had a meeting with a guy about some writing work. We met in a busy local cafe up here, and I was all fakey-fakester. You know when you must pretend and put on a brave face? It was exhausting and my eyes were le Puff.

Then I had to get the train down to Sydney to pick up a Ford Territory, as part of that blogging competition. It was RIDICULOUS, considering all that's been going on.

But, it was exactly what I needed. A circuit breaker.

Especially the toilet ... on the train.

                                Shocking me out of my senses

I can't believe that I went into a car dealership today and they just handed over the keys. Don't they know who I used to be? And when the Ford guy John popped the bonnet to show me something in the engine, I laughed SO HARD. "Oh John, you know I have no idea what any of this is?" And he laughed politely and told me the boring things anyway and my eyes glazed over. I idly realised that they must not have done a criminal record check.

He was lovely. Very straighty-one-eighty, so I pulled my sleeves down so he couldn't see my tattoos. I acted professional and charming. Me - the inspirational arsehole.

I told myself, back when I wrote the original Drive post ... that if I got up to this stage of the competition, I would do something in conjunction with Stewart House. (That post touched on Dave's tricky childhood and him being in Boys Homes - Dave never went to Stewart House, but he always says how great they are.)

The car is a seven-seater, after all. I'll call the people at Stewart House tomorrow. See what we can do. I'm sure we can come up with something. I'll explain about the blog and they'll be all, what's a blog?


Naturally, the first question I asked John at City Ford today was, "So, what happens if I crash it?" He laughed, politely. Said something about excess and blah blah. So boring. Then he said, what's a blog?

John, what you are reading right now is a blog.

What you are seeing right now is a photo I took of you unaware when you were telling me all the boring things:

                      Broom broom! (Thank you for being so lovely)

This next part? Is called a vlog.


  1. There once was a really smart lady who told me to give a teenage girl a book called "33 Things Every Girl SHould Know". So I did. Maybe that's part of being an awesome stepmom to a girl. BUt I think you already know that.

  2. I love you.

    And John seems nice too.


  3. What can I say other than it certainly sucks that your life has been a total shitstorm of crap lately. Though to be honest, the impression I get from you is that you can and do handle everything thrown at you and come out stronger in the end.

  4. Eden, I laughed all through that vlog! Just so you know, my phone thinks a vlog is a clog. Oh, and I linked to you in my blog today/tonight. Just a bit. In a photo caption. Hope you don't mind!

  5. OMG- at my desk crying. Reaching for my eye drops because my eyes look, well like I am wasted or something. UR too freaking funny. And yes, you were born this way. NO CRASHING!!!! Lisa

  6. Stepmother powers....activate!!!! You and me. Wonder twins in our own strange ways. I am always here sending you that current of energy. Sometimes when it seems everything is a drain on you I want you to feel that glimmer, okay?

    Do your other readers think I am a nutjob for my comments?

    I had one of those weird disconnect moments again last week watching one of those newsmagazine shows. "her father was awful". disconnect much?

    Compartmentalization thy name is Pam


  7. Oh, Eden. A Cry Hangover is a bad thing to have indeed. Mainly because it's nowhere near as fun as a tequila bender getting one.
    Have an American hug. (They're not special, they just have to travel across the date line. I think that means you get this hug yesterday.)

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  9. Hey there Eden. You life is not boring except for the how this car works time. Even then, you made something of it.

    I would call you and your life SPICE-Y. You are a Spice Girl (a different one than the she-group.)

    Not boring. Boring is when everything is a prefect with classical music piped in and over head you see rainbows and butterflies. Where your children have perfect manners, and never make a mess and your husband brings you roses each day as you easily whip up a gourmet meal followed by a hazelnut souffle.

    Sound nice? Do it day after day, after day, a f t e r d a y.

    That is not living. Living is facing life dead in the face and letting out a murderous scream back at it.

    Living is feeling.

    Fear, sorrow and rage are in the same crumpled up paper bag as is peace and joy and grace.

    You can't have one without the other.

    You go (spice) girl!

    PS. Hey bloodsigns, not in the least. :-)


  10. All the people above me said great things, so I don't have much to add except

    You. Are. Awesome.

    And I wanna be just like you when I grow up. Wait...I think I'm older than you. Crap. :-D

  11. "Who you used to be" is what has contributed to the amazing young woman you are today. You couldn't have gotten to this place without having come thru that fire. You're an inspiration to so many of us because of having survived that fire.
    Look at that still-frame on your vlog. Crow is right - that's Spice! Chili popping HOT spice!That said, I hope your triggerpoints back up and give you a little breathing room

  12. I can do hard things. And when I live my life with Spirit .... all things are possible.

    You got that right, your writing and the stories that you tell show you have enough spirit to come out the other side, your vlog shows that....Rockin out to Lady Gaga, classic!

    Take care and don't you just love the smell of a new car? Its all shiny and hopeful smelling xx

  13. This (and probably only this) makes me kinda wish I had accepted the Kidspsot thingo. Ahh well, I live vicariously throigh you instead....

    Can't wait to see what you get up to with Stewart House.


  14. I could listen to you say toilet ALL day.

  15. When I say life is tricky it means so many things - we trick ourselves, others and I suppose this is self-preservation - to not pretend sometimes can be the undoing of everything.

    John, don't worry - she'll look after the car but that stuff under the hood - whatevers.

  16. I LOVE YOU EDEN!! Through thick and thin you are always amazing girl.xx

  17. So bummed you had a shitty time & you was a cranky bitch...of course your family forgave you, they love you babe!
    Catching a train is the grossest thing ever....I'm like you, the biggest snob when it comes to trains...I only catch them if I have to.
    Guess who's got a Ford Territory are the coolest!
    Watching you drive that car, & singing along like you're the best singer ever, was like looking into a mirror for me...I swear that's what I do!
    Hope you & the Ford Territory made it home.
    Rock on babe \m/ xxxxx

  18. I am pretty sure that that train does NOT have a toilet.


  19. God you crack me up Eden.

    Vlog Part 2 goes something like this:

    *ford smashed into fire hydrant, water going everywhere*

    "Um No officer, I WASNT texting and driving, I was VLOGGING and driving, there's no rule about that, is there? Oh. Well there are no signs on the road saying 'Dont Vlog & Drive, Get Home Alive' are there? Perhaps you should warn people."

  20. Tracey from Central Coast Seachange16 June 2011 at 14:02

    Eden can survive anything but will the Ford survive Eden?

  21. May I just say...your teeth look fabulous!

  22. I could have totally done without the Gaga. More like GAG. She's one I don't like. You sing much better than she does.....

    I love your accent.

    Your steering wheel is on the wrong side of the car. And your dashboard on the other side looks so totally strange to an American used to having their steering wheel over there. Haha.

    I so totally wrote a blog called Price tag yesterday for me, it was the 14th. I love that song for some reason. I also made my first vlog recently and haven't taken it down yet. I haven't linked it here because I am so totally embarrassed by it...if anyone wants to find it, I am sure they will- I have a boring accent, it's not worth it.

    You're so awesome. I love you. I don't think I'd want that many seats in my car though. I don't know what I'd do with that many seats. Then again, I'm young and single, so I have nothing to do with that many seats.


    PS I don't like trains, but we hardly have public transport anywhere out here in Texas, so I've only been on a train once in my life, and that was traveling from downtown Dallas to downtown Ft. Worth, one of the only routes they have. Didn't like it much, but it was a DART, so it was a quick ride.

  23. Eddie,

    Detroit THANKS YOU!!

    Did you know that you are supporting my metropolitan area by pushing the Fords? ... That part of the reason my house is worth $100,000 less than what we paid for it eight years ago is because the big three (auto makers) are in the ****ter? But Ford, always the good son (the one I drove after the Gremllin;-), is clawing it's way out of the hole. Go Ford. Go Eddie.

    So, MWAH, from DAY-TOIS. And from Moi. Think of us while you're driving sometime. Did you know you were an international goodwill ambassador? You are, Babe. You and Angelina. Today, BlogHer, tomorrow the UN.

    Oh. And the dreadful? The rage? The teeth? Check. Check. Check. Hang in there, Baby. Remember. The Ute. Jump in. Hang On. (Would we put up with any less? Really?) You can do hard? Honey. Don't make me send you your own viking hat. You know I will. Don't. Make. Me. I. Dare. Ya.

    Pale MF


Write to be understood, speak to be heard. - Lawrence Powell

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