Friday, 8 April 2011

Be the tree, man.


Do you ever see things in things? Like, this Angophora tree next to my house - I look at it every single day, and every time I see a nymph, standing on one leg, arms outstretched to the sky, lifting her back leg up.

::

I woke up yesterday.

As in, I woke UP. I'm really here. It's a very good thing, and I choose to continue this way. For a long time.

Reconnecting has been really bittersweet. It hit home just how detached I have been, for quite some time. I'm the realest version of myself ever. I'm a real boy! Thank you to the strangers with no names who have told me stories of pain and grief and strength. Sharing our stories is a powerful thing ... it dates back to sitting together in caves. I'll sit in your cave if you'll sit in mine. Please tell me your fears; it helps me with mine.

I turned the radio on in the car today, to the first strains of the first song of the album "All that you can't leave behind." You know how your favourite songs and artists mean things at certain points in your life? This particular U2 album means Hope to me. And Redemption. It got released the day I went into (yet another) rehab back in the year 2000.

"The heart is a bloom ... shoots up through the stony ground .."

I used to blast it through my walkman late at night, crying. I shared a room with a woman who was incredibly fucked up (wow, I guess she could have said that about me) ... she was 48 years old and had severe childhood issues to do with her mother and family of origin. I remember thinking how sad it was, she'd just wasted her life trapped in her head and her feelings.

One day, I saw myself in her and it scared me.

Not long after that, I fell pregnant with Max. During my hab "graduation" my therapist got up to say a few words about me. He knew how much that bands lyrics resonate. "Eden ... what you don't have, you don't need it now."

I do not need what I do not have. I suspect this is true for you, too.

::

It's too tiring to keep stuffing my crazy back in. It's out and I'm not pretending anymore. If I want to say something or be something or heaven forbid - just be myself in the world - then I just will.

I am the tree.



::

My friend Palemother emailed me this quote, and wrote:

" Eden - I guess she would have been a naked blogger, too! xox"

"If you do not breathe through writing, if you do not cry out in writing, or sing in writing, then don't write, because our culture has no use for it." - Anais Nin

28 comments:

  1. Mate I think that Anais Nin was onto something. You have a fucking treasure bath in your writing!!!

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  2. I love your nymph. Saw her straight away x

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  3. I like your crazy. It's very becoming x

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  4. God I love those red boots. Love you too x

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  5. Everyone has a purpose in life. I think this is yours. Stay strong and free.

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  6. What you wrote "she'd just wasted her life trapped in her head and her feelings" hit me in the forehead when I read that. I don't want that either. Scares me too. Thats is precisely what I am striving not to to. But I have a large amount of crazy surging through my brain as well. Every single moment, but it has been getting quieter and more peaceful *YAY* I will join you in the cave, can we stay for a LONG time?? Love your REALNESS! Its hard to find. And the tree, oh the tree. LOVE ME SOME TREES!! Much love, Lisa

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  7. You've tapped into your heart Eden -- it's a powerful thing lovely.

    I think of you every day...(do you think that people reading this think I"m some creepy stalker writing to you???)

    XO

    P

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  8. Stumbled upon your blog. Love the tree!

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  9. exactly as i had imagined it in the first picture. I sit and laughed...

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  10. I saw her right away too!

    Sending love to you today and always...

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  11. Live out loud Sister!

    I want your boots!

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  12. and as that drug continues to wear off so will you continue to wake up...

    I am here to bear witness that Eden is as gorgeous in real life as she is in her writing..

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  13. You are awesome! I love your "rock on" tree nymph! xx

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  14. You look free girlfriend. :-) Namaste.

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  15. Being yourself in the world sounds like an excellent plan.

    Love your nymph tree!

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  16. I would never have seen that nymph. I'm glad to have come into your cave so you could show it to me.

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  17. "I do not need what I do not have. I suspect this is true for you, too."

    do you believe that, like honestly believe that, 100% or is it something we say in order to convince ourselves of it?

    i'm hoping that you believe it because it's something i'm trying to believe as well but right now...i just can't, i wish i could.

    love the pose, the boots rock and that tree is definitely a nymph.

    ~x~

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  18. Oh how I love your nymph tree!

    Pretty powerful stuff, as per usual. I always leave your blog much more thoughtful and aware as a person and wiser for the experience of reading your words

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  19. I want your boots.

    Eden, I wish I could bottle you up like a genie, just for a day, and let you be a tree with my Mum. That is selfish of me, but I just know that your blog language is her brain language, if only she would let the crazy out of her head....

    XX

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  20. Do not ever lose your crazy, you crazy beyotch. Otherwise we will have mothing in common, apart from the love of interpretive dance xx

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  21. Your post made me revist my U2 cd which can only be a good thing

    Touch me
    Take me to that other place
    Reach me
    I know I'm not a hopeless case

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  22. The scariest part for me has been learning to feel. It scares the hell out of me, but I'm learning to slowly love the highs and lows. I just have to remind myself the lows aren't forever.

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  23. I asked a friend a similar question once and he replied "I'm not an extractor". I thought - how sad, in a way. I see a kinf of smiling Peter Max moon looking down on us to the right in this tree. It's nice to know others look at trees as much as I do. Keep smiling.

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  24. Gotta love the tree pose!

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  25. Wonderful and real and perfect.

    I LOVE THIS.

    And not just talking about the boots...

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  26. I'm sure it's no surprise (to you) that I think 'crazy' is normal and the so-called normals - The Numbed - could very well be the insane ones. Just a theory I'm chewing over.

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  27. Thought -- I wanna be you when I grow up.

    Next thought -- that would mean I had to go through your pain, trauma, desperation and all that negative stuff.

    Next thought -- hey, I've already been through my own pain, trauma, desperation and negative stuff. Could I be good too?

    Thanks for making me think! And glimpse my better self. The sharing of YOU is good for all of us. Thank you.

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Write to be understood, speak to be heard. - Lawrence Powell

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