Tuesday, 1 March 2011

Today's Edenland Guest Blogger is .... Edenland.

I'm guest-posting on my own blog. I just looked at the clock - I have one hour. Do I have time to try to make some sense of the past week?

Do ya? DO YA, PUNK?

I'll give it a go.

*clears throat; scratches balls; tries to find bloggy zen; fails; continues anyway*

There's a scene in Pulp Fiction, where Marcello Wallace gets a good ass-whippin'. Literally, ass whipped with a penis. Bruce Willis's character comes back to save him, and asks if he's ok.

"I'm pretty fuckin' far from ok."

It's one of the best lines in modern cinema.

Some Things have occurred the past little bit, leaving me pretty fuckin' far from ok. I waver being completely open about it, and then holding my yucky truth tight to my chest. Did y'all know I was on my way down? A lot of you did - a lot of people in real life and online have said to me this past week ... "Eden, I have felt something wasn't right with you for a while."

And it wasn't. I Fell Down. It can be known as the lost weekend of '11. I gave the people closest to me the biggest shock, a terrible scare.

A lot of people now read my blog - I can always tell, in the grocery store or when I'm masquerading as a school mum - I can always tell when somebody I know reads my blog. Because there is a certain look at the back of their eyes, a look that says .... this chick is craaazzzy.

(And I am. And so are you. If you don't think you are, you're a fool.)

The one and only reason I will not go into graphic detail right now, is to protect my children from certain things they don't need to know about their mother. But I will say this:

If you have substance abuse issues, be careful if you get prescribed medication. "Legit" medication, that helps you through - helps take the edge off your panic attacks. Because it's a slippery slope. You might start juggling certain things, taking certain things, not believing in recovery anymore .... and wham. You end up getting ass-reamed by your addiction for the first time in many years. And you stand up, and realise that you're pretty fuckin' far from ok.

I've woken up. There is a certain me-ness to my me that I haven't felt in a long time ... probably since I was pregnant with Rocco. Probably since before Dave got cancer. Just because you're living clean and sober, does not mean that Life Itself will not fuck you around, every now and then.

Right now, I'm picking out the shards of mirror that exploded when I looked at it for the first time in a long time. There's pieces of mirror and glass stuck all over me. I am ragged and bleeding and broken.

I am beautiful, because I am being real again.

Email or DM or send smoke signals to me if you want to talk. Be vigilant. Be careful. And for goodness sake, if you have known substance abuse issues, DO NOT GO ON PAXIL. Because you'll take your first tablet and it will feel like an ecstasy pill is half coming on, and you'll silently fist-pump because it's all "legit" and it feeeeeels soooooo gooooood.

(At this point, I don't care that I am giving medical advice when I'm probably not supposed to. I just don't care.)


I'm on day 9 of paxil withdrawals. I crashed my car because I shouldn't have been driving. Dave has had the biggest shock of his life. I think there's a demon in me - slowly dying. It woke me up the other night, we were wrestling with each other, both so angry, and I was fucking terrified. I woke Dave up.

"Hon! It feels like there's a demon in me, trying to get out!"

You know what Dave said to me, there, in the middle of the night, our sheets stinky and wet from my sweat? He said to me - that I probably do have a demon. And it's ok, because I'm shining the light on it, making it go away. Then he went back to sleep, leaving me grateful for his honesty. I wondered if the demon could skip out of me and go into Dave. Or one of the kids. What have I done? I am the demon bringer-homerer. I am awful.

I am so many things right now that I can hardly keep my head on.


The next morning (which is only yesterday, but feels like a million miles away already) .... I was due to go to a meeting at the Google offices down in Sydney. The Blogger team from all over the world were gathered there, for some top-secret development shiz, and I was invited a while ago to be the token blogger they can ask questions to.

I almost didn't go. I possibly shouldn't have gone, but if I cancelled I would feel like a pathetic loser. I am in love with blogging, and all it can achieve. So I went. I picked up Mrs Woog on the way. We both assumed the other had the directions on how to get there - no. Scribbled it out in texta before we went, she had nervous poo guts and I was worried I would pass out from detoxing off paxil.

We got there, and it was amazing. Anil was a gracious host, the office was spectacular ... and I got to talk about blogging for an hour. I am particularly passionate about blogging. By default, I have learnt a lot over the past few years. I've watched the rise and rise of mommyblogging in America ... Heather Armstrong, aka Dooce, is in the NYT again this week. To be a part of it, down here in Australia right now - just as it is unfolding, is wonderful.

Blogging has given me a voice. I now look at the world through bloggy eyes, all the time. It's the strangest medium, when you think about it. That's why I don't think about it .... otherwise I would stop, or censor.

Yesterday I got to tell my blogging story to the very people who developed the platform on which I TELL my story, and that was pretty bloody cool. Twitches and all. (Mrs Woog tells the story with a fresh gusto I can't muster right now ... and yes, I really actually DID say what she said I did. Verbatim.)

So how can I link this jumbled post up? My hour expired five minutes ago, I have to pick up boys and make dinner and try not to crash my car again. I have to go home and take notes on the fantastic D&A counselling session I had today, with a fucking outstanding therapist who I cried in front of, had to ask for help from.

I hate asking for help. But pride kills, so suck it up sweetheart. This week I have received emails from people all over the world - asking me am I ok, telling me things I didn't know, showing me love and compassion. Humbling me so bad ... telling ME that I inspire THEM which makes them live THEIR lives better. What?

Blogging goes deeper than you think. Instead of deleting my blog .... I'm going to blog more passionately, and with more energy and love than ever before. Now if you excuse me, I have the last vestiges of a demon to kill; but until that fucker is dead - whose turn is it to guestpost?



  1. God, you are so incredible. How do you do this? Write from the gut every single time? This is how you will survive. Because there is no pretense with you.

    I wish I could just give you the biggest hug and sit down and talk with you. I don't know what you're going through, but I have a feeling we could relate. Different shit, but probably still a lot of the same shit. If that makes any sense at all.

    Hang in there. You are amazing. Keep fighting that demon. Or loving it. Or whatever works. xx

  2. Oh, gawd, Paxil. I've been wanting to write about my Pax-hell for a while now - it's b'loody awful stuff. Thank you for this post x

  3. Hang in there hon.I have been where you are now.it gets better............really....

    lotsa hugs

  4. Thank you for hanging your balls out there, for being honest and brave and strong enough to shine the light on your demon. THAT is what it's all about. Blog on, girl. Blog on.

  5. Annihilate the fucker, Eden. Light and love. Light and so much love.xxx

  6. I think we need to have coffee in Sydney and talk. The thing about blogging, you're never alone, even when you feel you are.


  7. Praise jebus you aren't deleting your blog! I freakin love your blog (and you!) I have had a short lived experience with Paxil, and it scared the tits off me; it took me to a dark place in my mind I never knew existed. The worst part of the ordeal was the doctors in my city are useless, and I had no support network and no idea about the incredible nausea or other side effects. No follow ups with the doctor, no one at home who understood; scary time. I am still struggling to figure out what kind of action to take, if any, for myself. I hope this amazing counselor is the help you need. And truly, I love you through the internets for real.

  8. I do not think I have ever heard you say fuck so much in one hour in front of those Google people. Loved it, and adore you xx

  9. That is bad bad shit. Withdrawl sucks. But weight gain, self harm,lack of libido and the whole Paxil con is bad too. Worse. Real with demons is better.


  10. Go fight that demon and keep on blogging - I so wish there was a video of you and Mrs Woog at Google. Two of my fave bloggers in a room of geeks (and I say that endearingly as I'm very fond of my own inner geek streak!)

  11. How long were you on it? Some people have reactions to it.

    I am on Zoloft and I like it. I like Ativan better, but I can't pop those all the time.

    Things will get better. Hang in there Eden; it sounds like you are going through a really rough time. Beat the shit out of that demon.

    BTW-LOL on nervous poo guts.

  12. I'm thinking of you Eden. I'm glad that (a) you went to the Google meeting because how cool is that! (b) you're alive instead of trashily deadified somewhere in a wreck and (c) you're going to keep blogging. I love your stuff. And your guts.

    Keep on keeping on.

  13. I went through Paxil weaning and it was a freaking nightmare. I am sorry you were going through this without me knowing. I am always here if you need to talk, Skype, whatever. Wish I was closer so I could give you a hug. I love you.

  14. Remember all those years ago now when I said I was sending you love across the oceans?

    Have never stopped.



  15. Eden, I feel for you!! I was on Paxil about 5 years ago for a couple of years. I wanted to go off of it in anticipation of getting pregnant. I had SEVERE withdrawals from that crap. I thought I could stick it out, but I was physically sick and nauseous all the time. I lost alot of weight. I had those horrific shocks that surge through your body and make you dizzy as hell, which is probably why you crashed your car. I barely held on for 4 months, and then I went to my Dr in tears and just lost it. They put me on Lexapro and long story short, it made me feel better. Oh and Xanax too. That really helped with the anxiety and overall nausea immensely.
    I now do not recommend Lexapro as it gave me severe insomnoa, which I already had. So I am now on Prozac (20mg) and Xanax (1mg twice a day) and I feel WAY better. I am not sure what you are going to try or do next, but Prozac so far has been very well tolerated by my nutty mind and body. I hope you feel better very, very soon. Hang in there and if you cannot take the withdrawals, try something that may help get you off of it. It's not worth the debilitating pain and sickness you are feeling. Paxil should BANNED!!! Lisa

  16. Just found you from Stay at Home Babe and you have such an amazing, beautiful, truthful voice.

  17. It seems unfair that something that should help with your mental state interferes with it instead. Hope things are improving still.

    I love the fact that Dave just rolled over and went back to sleep after the demon talk - that says, more than anything, that he loves you for you (in spite of any demons).

  18. Lots of love Eden. And hugs.

    I hope you blog more. I may not always comment but I am always thinking of you. And wishing you the beat.

  19. Long live Edenland! You are inspiring me to be more real in life and on my blog. Feel better soon.

  20. You're unreal. And when I say unreal, I mean you are SO totally real that it's unreal. Hmm. Bad analogy. Awful description! Hole, me = digging.

    I don't know the drugs of which you speak, having an addictive personality and just KNOWING that it would have been bad for me to go there in my darkest hours. So I just know that your blog is one of the biggest breaths of fresh air to me. BECAUSE you are so real. And unreal. All at once xxxxx

  21. You are an amazing woman, Edenland.

    You are honest and bold and so many things I wish I were. No one could have said it better than Dave - you saw the demon and you shined your light on it. When I would have wanted to run and hide and pretend the demon wasn't there.

    Keep blogging. We love you.

    Sending you thoughts of peace and strength . . .

  22. Oh, sweet, beautiful Eden -- only one word to you right now: love. I am sending a lot of it.

  23. You are amazing Eden. And I would be happy to guest blog for you one day. Let me know when you need it. In my case, it will have to be anon as I'm not as brave as you ... but it will be true.


Write to be understood, speak to be heard. - Lawrence Powell

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