Monday, 7 March 2011

"And last week I realized that there will be a last time that I will ever see his penis."

One of my besties, A. from I Am Vulnerable is the next person to step forward for guest-posting duties. You are all wonderful, People of the Computer who email me. One gorgeous person said to me last week they would love to post, if it "fits" in my blog.

Mate. MATE. Everything fits in my blog. Everything. Everyone. All is welcome, I am non-exclusive. My number one golden rule of blogging I stole from Kenickie: "Rules are, there aint no rules."

A. is a deep soul. She is funny, quirky, thoughtful, and fucking SMART. I'm friends with her on facebook. A few weeks ago, when I felt lower than lowdown, she posted this on her wall:

(I watched it so many times. LOVED. Knock it off!)

This clip is like A. - sassy, speaking the Truth. Real. She's not even an alcoholic, yet looks inside herself all the time, for particular answers and reasons and feelings.

I love her. I have been privileged to watch her journey unfold, from the deepest pain to exquisite joy, culminating in the birth of her son. Her son is so lucky. One day we will make it to the others Sacred Women's Circle and laugh about life and cry about death, all in the same breath.


I've had this post rattling around my head for a while and when Eden asked for guest posts, it was the push I needed to get it written. Because Eden is a mother of boys and that is what this post is all about.

One of the surprises of motherhood for me has been the depth of physical intimacy I feel with my son. I love him like an animal - my adoration for him is primal and rooted so deeply in my body. I am still breastfeeding him at 16 months and he shows no sign of wanting to stop anytime soon and I am fine with that - truthfully, I love it. But beyond that part of our relationship is the part in which I want to eat him up. I want to smell his milky breath. I want to kiss him all over. I want to cuddle him when he's naked and squish his delectable little baby squishiness. I want to whisper secrets in his ear and play with his hair and tickle his feet and hold his delightful chubby little fingers while he sleeps.

In the midst of this loveapalooza, though, there is a tinge of sadness and loss. Because he is a boy. Because he will leave me, eventually, and grow up, up, and away.

Even though he is still so little, and needs me so much, I am starting to see the seeds of his independence beginning to sprout. And last week I realized that there will be a last time that I will ever see his penis

Admittedly, that day is a long way off. Still. With any child, the intimacy is bound to change as they grow and we mothers are no longer wiping bums and bathing with them. But you know that with a daughter, you can still go through the locker room at the pool together. You will still get to peek into the change room when she is trying on clothes. She will need you to explain the womanly mysteries of periods, boobs, the minefield that is adolescent girl friendship.

Boys, well - don't they eventually retreat into silence and recoil at the merest hint of a cuddle?

I know that much of this is uncertain, that every child is different, that my sweet snuggly boy might well stay that way for a long time to come, and that of course girls have their own tactics to withdraw and create distance - I sure as hell did. And of course I am happy (mostly, though it does go just so damn fast) to see him changing, and I would never wish for him to stop learning and growing. But I am already feeling a bit sad when I think about how I will one day no longer be able to gaze upon his adorable wang.


PS Hey A. - Max asks me to sleep next to him all the time. I plan on patting his head in his sleep every fucking chance I get, as long as I'm alive. There is a bond that no age can erase. XO


  1. This better not happen! I don't know how one gets a boy to remain close for life, but I can see examples all around me where it has. As well as examples where it hasn't.

  2. Ahhhh, I can relate. I told my son (aged 5) that he is the best cuddler in the world and that I hope that never stopped. He looked at me and said "I'll always be the best cuddler Mum". And he will. But I am already sad for the day when his cuddler skills are directed at someone who is not me.

  3. How funny, I hadn't thought about this with my lovely son (age 6), but it's true. I can totally relate.

  4. Every night before we went to bed my brothers, sisters and I would kiss our dad goodnight and he would insribe with his fingers a cross on our foreheads - I don't know why I tell you this except that intimacy takes on other forms as we get older - my brothers never ever stopped kissing Dad goodnight and receiving his blessing -

  5. Putting my 4 yo on the school bus was a big reminder that one day she was just going to head off into the world alone. I am hopeful that where ever she goes she will come back to me.

    Your post made me think of the Robert Munsch story "Love you forever". You'll need to buy a ladder if you don't already own one.

  6. I'm still glowing cause you said I am funny. Ahhhh, compliments from one I admire and love so much...better than chocolate...

    I have all kinds of footnotes and qualifications to this post, but I will let them rattle around my head for a while. I am loving the comments here, though - the image of you sleeping with your Max, Eden, and the thought of Mary's brothers being blessed by their father and kissing him goodnight. Makes it all feel ok and a little less bittersweet, the thought of my boy growing up. Thanks, all!

    And Eden, you have given me fodder for another future post - when you said that I'm not even an alcoholic yet I look inside for answers. Reminds me that I have some parts of my story that have gone mostly untold, so far... Thanks, as always, for the love and the inspiration to keep writing and digging deeper. You rock!!!!! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

  7. Knowing smiles as I read this. And was taken immediately back to the moment Owen was born, looking down and saying "he's a boy!" and thinking "what the HELL do I do with a boy?!". And laughing that it may be a very long wait indeed if he takes after his cousin who, at 7, in mock modestly realizes he's been naked for hours and throws his hands down in front of himself, but misses and crosses to cover his hips.

  8. What an adorable post. I can't relate, not having had a boy, to missing seeing my son's wang. But I can definitely connect with that feeling of losing them as they grow older and not wanting it to happen... not too much. Not yet!

  9. Two of my favourite people on the same page.
    You both rock!!

    Oh I hadn't thought about this. I hope it doesn't happen, my boy is all I have. He smothers me in kisses and cuddles which I could never live without.

  10. I have hope for you almost 10 yr old boy (unlike his twin sister) still says 'I love you mummy' at least twice a day, is the best cuddler, always comes up to me for 'snuggles' and still holds my hand as we walk to school or go to the shops....i'm so hoping this will continue forever....I love having a son...

  11. With a bit of luck your son will grow up to be like my husband... the guy who thinks its funny to flash at any, and every opportunity. Family BBQ? Think I'll flash! Wedding? Let's nudey run! Pretty sure his mum and dad are sick of seeing his tackle hehe.

    Seriously lovely post. It made me go and squeeze my son (who told me to "go away mum, watching Gig and Hoot")

  12. Oh this is so bittersweet. I have a 3 year old boy. I wish I could freeze-dry him and keep him in a box - just as he is - forever. I know I am supposed to want him to grow and learn, but yea - I don't. I don't want to ever be without my little sidekick. I don't want to ever reach a time where he doesn't drape his little warm body over mine - to stroke my hair and fiddle with my fingers. Ok, I am gonna cry now.

  13. I know just how you feel. My son is 17 months and I cherish everytime I get to see his little baby butt streak through the house. In the mornings, we sit on the couch together, watch an episode of Thomas the Train and have some milk together. I love to sit and watch him and run my fingers through his little toddler mullet. It breaks my heart to think that someday he might be all, "Uh, MOM!!!!"

  14. My boy is three, and still loves his mummy. In fact he says to me "Mummy, look at my penis. I like my penis!". It is strange to think that one day he won't be all mine. But you know, it makes me love my husband more, after all he was once his mama's little boy. And I can look at his penis. Excuse me if this sounds very weird!

  15. It's true. The time comes when you are not in charge of their little bodies and dealing with cleanliness, and in fact, they don't bother with it from about age 8 until the time a girl tells them they smell.
    THEN....after puberty hits, they strut out of the shower, parade down the hall with all their glory exposed and you will want to wash your eyes out with soap. Trust me.


Write to be understood, speak to be heard. - Lawrence Powell

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