Everything has happened. Everything is still the same.
On last count, we have four Buddhas in and around our house. Rocco has broken them all ... yet still they sit, silently, heads glued back on, missing limbs .... but still they sit, unperturbed.
Perturbed - that is what I have been. The last few days I have taken many steps to be rid of my perturbedness.
1. Make (someone) anxious or unsettled.
2. Subject (a system, moving object, or process) to an influence tending to alter its normal or regular state or path.
I got quite perturbed two and half years ago, and never really settled back down again. I am so strong! I can do this!
I am not as strong as previously thought and I can't do this. So relieving.
Sorry for the cryptics .... I am quite "out" as a blogger, with my real name - a lot of friends and family read here now, that's strangely fine. I never started my blog to become famous. I just wanted a place to write, connect. Sometimes, people can use your own words against you as ammunition so for my childrens sake I won't post "specifics."
I will say some facts though ....
1) Ever since Dave got cancer I have been running. And when I bump into people in the street and they ask me how Dave is and I say that he is in remission and they look shocked and say, "Oh really? Still?" In that look on their face, in that moment ... they are voicing the fear that I keep hidden away.
2) I can't run any more.
3) I start counselling this week - and I swear to God I don't care if that counsellor is the straightest person in all the land. I don't care if she wrinkles her nose at my swearing or tattoos or my fears. Then good. So be it. I have decided to Trust that whoever I land, is the right one for me.
4) I contemplated going to confession - then checked my motivation and it would only be to shock the shit out of the Catholic priest.
5) I am worthy to do nice things for myself. AREN'T I?? Why are we so tough on ourselves? Why does everyone hide themselves away?
6) Is there an Award for how many breakdown one can sustain over a lifetime? Can someone photoshop me a button for that?
Every. Day ... has been a huge hard struggle for a while ... I just want to lay my weapons down, man.
^ I love them.
Computer - how do you love yourself? Does it come easily to you? How do you not let shame run your life? Have you ever seen a grown man naked?