Everything has happened. Everything is still the same.
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On last count, we have four Buddhas in and around our house. Rocco has broken them all ... yet still they sit, silently, heads glued back on, missing limbs .... but still they sit, unperturbed.
Perturbed - that is what I have been. The last few days I have taken many steps to be rid of my perturbedness.
per·turb/pərˈtərb/Verb;
1. Make (someone) anxious or unsettled.
2. Subject (a system, moving object, or process) to an influence tending to alter its normal or regular state or path.
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I got quite perturbed two and half years ago, and never really settled back down again. I am so strong! I can do this!
I am not as strong as previously thought and I can't do this. So relieving.
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Sorry for the cryptics .... I am quite "out" as a blogger, with my real name - a lot of friends and family read here now, that's strangely fine. I never started my blog to become famous. I just wanted a place to write, connect. Sometimes, people can use your own words against you as ammunition so for my childrens sake I won't post "specifics."
I will say some facts though ....
1) Ever since Dave got cancer I have been running. And when I bump into people in the street and they ask me how Dave is and I say that he is in remission and they look shocked and say, "Oh really? Still?" In that look on their face, in that moment ... they are voicing the fear that I keep hidden away.
2) I can't run any more.
3) I start counselling this week - and I swear to God I don't care if that counsellor is the straightest person in all the land. I don't care if she wrinkles her nose at my swearing or tattoos or my fears. Then good. So be it. I have decided to Trust that whoever I land, is the right one for me.
4) I contemplated going to confession - then checked my motivation and it would only be to shock the shit out of the Catholic priest.
5) I am worthy to do nice things for myself. AREN'T I?? Why are we so tough on ourselves? Why does everyone hide themselves away?
6) Is there an Award for how many breakdown one can sustain over a lifetime? Can someone photoshop me a button for that?
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Every. Day ... has been a huge hard struggle for a while ... I just want to lay my weapons down, man.
Again.
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Computer - how do you love yourself? Does it come easily to you? How do you not let shame run your life? Have you ever seen a grown man naked?
I've had this uncanny feeling for a while that I need to send you something in the mail. SOON. I'm terrible at getting things in the mail as I meant to post this literally years ago now. But it needs to be in your hands. And it needs to leave mine.
ReplyDeleteA little voice in my head urged me. Seriously, it was kind of weird.
Hang in there my friend.
And as far as loving myself -- I look at photos of myself as a child. I remember her. I can't help but love her. She needs someone.
I love you.
Pam
You are SO worthy to do nice things for yourself. *hugs* xx
ReplyDeleteSo so so good to run into you this morning. So good you are owning some of the shit that has been your lot recently..
ReplyDeleteDo you remember the Mary Tyler Moore show theme song...you need to google it...it's about you..
"who can turn the world on with her smile?".
Let's discuss tattoos ..I think I will get a new one...
I am pretty awesome (most of the time), so it's not hard to love myself. Or else I'm in a really good mood. Actually, I don't worry so much about loving myself - I just try to accept myself with all of my faults. Or I'm too lazy to get worked up about it. Obviously, I don't spend a lot of time in introspection. As for shame...well, I have been pretty repressed my whole life, so I haven't done a whole lot of things I'm ashamed of...but when I do think about those things, I wince, and then I'm thankful that it's in the past. Nothing I can do about it anyway...at least until they invent a time machine and a stubbornness remover and a tact injector.
ReplyDeleteWhat does Rocco have against Buddha? Maybe he wants you to go to confession?
(And yes...I have seen a grown man naked. I get flashed a lot. In my own house.)
Come down to Sydney soon sweetheard and we will do Bridgeclimb naked and spit on Kristina Kennealy's crappy buses. I think that would cheer anyone up.
ReplyDeletexoxox
The shit you went through and the shit I went through with my mom, are a lot alike. I ran and ran and ran from everything! When it all caught up with me, I'd have a breakdown and get back up and start running. It's awful and exhausting. The littlest things set me off into a blind rage at everything. I still wonder how I'm married and still have my children, I shit you not. I stopped running and let the wave hit me. I won't lie to you and tell you it was easy because it was SO fucking hard. But you know what, Eden? It was THE best thing I could ever do for myself. If there is ONE thing you do for yourself, let it be this. I know you can do THIS! You're so much more than you think you are. If you can't trust your own judgment, trust ours. We love you and will NEVER stop loving and supporting you!
ReplyDeleteBaby, you've got THIS! Put on your fighting gloves and mouth guard. Love you!
*HUGS*
I wish we could all see ourselves through the eyes of our friends and loved ones. Then we would know just how worthy we are.
ReplyDeleteIt's always a struggle, though. Right now I'm loving myself by continually advocating for myself and trying to get authorities to listen and act on behalf of myself and my children. It's uncomfortable, it's frustrating, I hate it, but it's a form of self-love really.
I have and even though I love men, I prefer to see women naked. I live with guilt and shame over my own things then pack in a few things that do not belong to me for good measure. I don't. But I'm trying. And it's hard. Really fucking hard.
ReplyDeleteMy fear is that when I put down my battle gear I have given up, I almost did not to long ago. I just wonder if I'm fighting the "right" things.
It think it's a demonstration of strength to admit you need some reinforcement, not a sign of weakness. You will do this. And there's no doubt they love you.
***
Did I ever tell you my grandma was a Buddhist for a while? It was after her black magic phase. She would put out fruit for an offering I guess but as a hungry 4 year old I took a piece of fruit then got a spanking. It was one of the last times I ever saw her. A rift was formed so big we all fell into it. Not over the fruit I'm sure.
I love myself more on my pills. These pills make me the person that I have always wanted to be. The person I tried to fool myself into thinking that I was-
ReplyDeleteThat is something that I do for myself.
AND as an FYI- grown men naked- not so visually appealing.
I'd rather be full of feelings - ANY FEELINGS - than be one of the drones that just float through life, not noticing, seeing, understanding or getting that they are part of a bigger picture (and I know too many, including some unfortunately related to me)...
ReplyDeleteFeel, love, laugh, cry, scream, hide, shout - just live
In my (not very important) opinion, you are doing a rockin Job lady!
ps - just how much does Max look like Dave - freaky
Big, giant awesome vibes your way. You will go in that therapist's office and rock your self-actualization-ness. I promise, if they're worth thier salt, your tattoos and swearing will be a day in the park for them.
ReplyDeleteYou are MORE THAN WORTHY of deserving wonderful things and doing nice things for yourself.
ReplyDeleteLoving myself? It's not easy. Not near as easy as pouring out every last bit of energy I have into other people to make sure they are happy and feel good. I'm not sure why I can't save a little back for myself.
I don't know what demons you're battling, but know that I am sending you thoughts of peace and strength. You are an amazing person, woman, blogger, mother. Any counselor should feel privileged to have your fears and tattoos on their couch!
Much love to you, Eden.
Ok, is it creepy that I could basically copy Pam's comment in its entirety? The odds and ends I have for you are sitting in a pottery dish in my dining room and have been there, horrifyingly, since August or something. With a card and everything. I think I even dated the card when I wrote it to encourage myself to get it in the god damned mail.
ReplyDeleteAs for trying not to let shame run my life, well, how much time do you have? I think I'm only starting to see my shame clearly and to be able to turn my back on it. Only took me 37 years...
I often rely on the kind words or perceptions of other people to get me through the really dark times when I can't find a way to loving myself. I try to remind myself that other people think I'm worthy, competent, lovable, etc. so whatever I'm thinking can't be completely right. It helps, sometimes.
Otherwise, I need to get really still and bring a lot of intention to loving myself, just as I am. It's a practice for me, not something that just happens. Like Pam, I often connect with myself as a little girl. And I find that the metta/ lovingkindness phrases help a lot: May I be happy and peaceful. May I be healthy and well. May I be safe from inner and outer danger. May I live with ease in this world.
I have seen a grown man naked, but it has been so fucking long I pretty much forget. Even though I'm happily married. I'm sure Manny's less than thrilled about that state of affairs...
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxo You are wonderful and so deserving of love and care, Eden. I hope that your therapist gets you as we all do here in blogland, and that it helps.
(Oh, and it's Anna. In case you didn't know, I started a new blog.)
There is nothing wrong with struggling or admitting to struggling, in fact it takes a brave person to say that hey things, life they're hard and perhaps they aren't coping as well as they could be doing.
ReplyDeleteDon't be hard on yourself.
Re this :
" I have decided to Trust that whoever I land, is the right one for me."
Don't. There WILL be a counsellor who is right for you, who you just click with, who gets you and everything you say BUT it may not be the first one you come across. Don't be afraid to say "hey this isn't working" and find a new counsellor - that being said I will keep everything crossed that this first chick IS the right one for you.
~x~
Yes, you are worthy of doing nice things for yourself. Very worthy. Good luck with the counselor. I hope they are the right one but don't be afraid to walk away if they're not.
ReplyDeleteSometimes things happen and we are allowed the space to fall apart. Sometimes they happen and we can't, just can't deal with them at the time. So we hide them away. Once our lives ease up, if only for a little bit, it all comes out like black sludge. At least this is true for me.
ReplyDeleteGlad to hear you are taking care of yourself by going to therapy. I hope you give yourself lots of space to work through whatever you need too. And lots of love too.