Wednesday, 29 December 2010

My kid wants me to drink.

We drove to my MILS on Boxing Day, after packing up our entire house into three bedrooms so that our floorboards can be sanded and oiled while we're on holiday. Lucky our housesitters like takeaway food, because Dave ripped out the kitchen sink. "So they can sand the bench, hon."

Dave has this wonderful habit of barking orders at everybody around him; he is the boss of a lot of people at work. Sometimes I humour him, and march around the house saluting. The other day, in line at Gloria Jeans, I shouted "I AM NOT YOUR APPRENTICE." The fallout from shouting at your husband in a crowded shopping centre is very bad.

It is very, VE-RY hard to try and keep everyone happy at the same time, on a family holiday. I always forget this. And remember it when I am impersonating a busted pressure cooker. Max is bored all the time, Tim pines for his forgotten iPod, and Dave enjoys regular timeouts and goes for runs on the beach while I am trapped at my MILs house. My MILSs elderly partner is a cranky, bitter old man who is living the last of his days out in spectacular frustration. He went on a verbal tirade at the television set last night, when a report came on about Elton John and his partner having a baby with the help of a surrogate. His homophobia floored me - "THOSE kinds of people." I was disgusted at his disgust. There is no love lost between us.

Oh, as for Rocco?

Rocco has run away twice, both times brought back by different people who live down the (busy) street. He climbed up on to the highest shelf of the bookcase crouching, because his head was so close to the ceiling. If a heavy chair hadn't been in front of it, the whole thing would have fallen over and he would have been seriously hurt. When I tell him something he doesn't like, he responds by making a gun with his fingers and telling me calmly, "I kiw you, mummy."

When he gets disciplined, he responds by doing a poo on the floor, then running through it.

He has thrown so many things out of the car window the past few days.

I am at my wits end. WITS.

His last performance was an hour ago .... refusing to go to sleep, then doing an enormous sloppy poo all over the carpet and running through it, cupping it in his hands. SERIOUSLY??!! This has happened so many times the past few months - my sisters tell me to buy gaffer tape for his nappy. I will.

I went in and cleaned it up again. I totally love it! I smacked Rocco on his bare bottom, hard. I can count on one hand the amount of times I've smacked him. I was hit a lot as a child, so rarely do it to my children. Dave gave him a smack a few weeks ago too .... for doing a huge poo on my PILLOW.

This morning I woke up to mouse shit on my bedside table. I cleaned it off. Do you have any shit in your life? I am the *best* shitcleaner.

We are due to fly to Bali in a few days. Rocco has never been on a plane. (To the people we will be next to on the plane ... I am so, SO sorry.)

Right now, I am sitting in the local library, typing this out on their computer. In a huff. I have decided to split the five of us into two tag teams .... both taking turns in minding Rocco, so at least half of us can have a good time.

On my way walking here, I looked down at my feet and saw that Rocco's poo was squelched and smeared between my toes.

I don't know how to end this post.



  1. Oh I hope Bali is better for you xx

  2. I feel your pain. We don't have the poo issues anymore, but it was hellish for a bit. Amy screams at me 'IT IS MY LIFE' and won't do anything she is asked without a fight. I feel like I've spent the last month doing nothing but yelling.


  3. Oh dear, hope Rocco doesn't get Bali belly. Enjoy and say hi to Mrs Woog.

  4. Wow, Eden, {big squeeze} I hope Bali is extra extra nice to you. xx

  5. I had to laugh at you apologising to the people you're sitting next to on the plane LOL - when I flew home from the UK in Nov, there were about 20 children on the flight from London to Singapore, ranging in age from a couple of months old to about 10, didn't hear a peep out of any of them.

    Between Singapore and Perth though - completely different story!! Most of them wouldn't shut up! And yet I still managed to sleep - think after awhile you just block it out, bit like the sounds of the engines. I shall keep my fingers crossed for you that Rocco behaves himself ;-)

    I hope Bali brings you a sense of peace heading towards the new year and may it be poo free!!


  6. Oh My I can smell the poop from here!

    Have an awesome time in Bali, I hope everyone behaves for you. xx

  7. Lock yourself in the toilet for a while!!! Not the best place for time to yourself but 9 times out of 10 you get some peace!!!!
    I hope everything settles down for you, and you all have a great time in Balixxx

    You should be so proud of yourself!!!Putting up with all those boys and a mil with partner and still being the wonderful caring mother, wife and person you are!!!

  8. You must be particularly suited to being Rocco's mother, because I would have lost my mind completely by now. At the very least, the boy would have no toys left at all. Much luck getting through to him - I know you'll come up with a solution. (Perhaps involving Buzz and Woody somehow?)

    I hope Bali restores you, as it seems to have done in the past. Maybe the boys will feel it too, and you can have a really wonderful vacation!

  9. Oh Eden. Not much to say beside that sucks. I totally think stong tape around the diaper is a must. And maybe get him a mop and bucket as a late Christmas present.

    I hope Bali is good. I hope there is a big field that Rocco can run wild and poop in. And you can sit by the beach.

  10. My latest poop musing is that the poop emergencies always seem to coincide with the middle of a meal (mine, usually when I am half starved because I've been too busy to feed myself any earlier) or food prep (I am totally scarred by The Great Stuffed Cabbage Incident of 2010). Now I am not too fussy, too OCD about these things in general. But seriously? It's enough to skeeve even me. Like I should dip my arms up to the elbows in a vat of alcohol. Or maybe I should just chug a vat of alcohol ....

    Have a wonderful time in Bali. Light a candle for me? I'll light one here, too. For you in the New Year.


    D. was here.

  11. Oh, my! As I used to tell my kids, I would sell you to the gypsies, but they won't take you!

  12. wow babe. so sorry. the poop thing with ol' rocco would drive me bat.shit.crazy. honestly, am thinking of you and sending you lots of love and empathy. as a surviving mum of 3 extraordinarily strong-willed kids, i totally get the frustration. totally. wracking my brains to think of *something* you could do behaviorally to stop the pattern. hope indonesia is good...and that you all have fun..

  13. Bali will make it all better! No advice on the poopster - definitely tape that diaper. And maybe a DVD player on the plane? Or, BENADRYL.

  14. Oh you poor woman. Have some chocolate. At least if it doesn't remind you too much of poo. Hugs to you.

  15. oh the poo. There was a kid in Geekygirls daycare who was a terrible pooper. I came in one day and he had pulled poo out of his own nappy with his hands and smeared it all over the bathroom. I was saying goodby to geekygirl and I noticed a little brown splat on her face. I licked my finger to clean her face, and put my finger back in my mouth to give it another go, then realized that the brown splot was poo, and I had just put another childs poo in my mouth. Worst taste I have ever tasted, ever.

    the Child in question was an otherwise adorable sweet boy who grew out of the poop art and is now doing very well in Kindergarten! Hang in!

  16. I forgot to mention that the last time I cleaned the toilets, I found that Dylan has been decorating the outside of the bowl with these delicate little brown swirls. I just can't think about it in too much detail. Giant wad of paper towels, bleach spray ... blechbegone. Note to self: Do not let Dylan put his fingers in Patrick's mouth.

  17. Yes, Bali should be great! I just came back from a stay in the US that was messed up by the Monster Snowstorm and seriously could use some tropical heat. Alas, not til April at the earliest...

  18. I don't even know what to say except how sorry I am and that I will pray this is just a phase and will be gone soon.

    I too am pretty awesome as a double, mom on one side poo picker upper the other!!

  19. What a literally shitty time! You poor thing.

    I hope Bali is a great time for you all. xx

  20. You know I called Grover the Turdinator? That for too many months he would poo on the back verandah and play in it. Squish it between the slats. Once he even cut his poo up with a pair of scissors.

    Now he's the Pisstaker. A few days ago peeing all on Oscar's bed because they were mucking around together and he thought it'd be funny (I guess). That was the day I yelled horrible awful things at them all and stormed out for two hours freezing my arse off at the beach.

    Remember: this too shall pass.


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