Five years ago today, a popper went off .....
... signifying a union of two hardcore motherfuckers.
I love you Dave. You made me grow up. You have taught me so much over these past ten years together, mate. Remember that time we had only been together for a few weeks and we were sitting in a sauna at the local indoor pool - you told me that one day you would build me a sauna in our own house? I didn't believe you. But you did. You always do what you say you are going to do .... I wasn't used to people like that.
Remember when Max was born and we used to argue and fight so much ... we hated each other? So we did couples counselling, took Max in his teeny bassinet and he'd sit quietly in the corner, while we shouted at each other. It was infuriating to me, when I would dob on you to our therapist and he would *always* put it back on to me, telling me you weren't a mindreader. I'm pretty sure I turned to him one day and asked him, "Whose fucking side was he on, anyway?" (I was so mature, back then. Remember?)
Remember that time we went to our appointment but got the time wrong ... so ended up going to a coffeeshop together and just talking with each other? We had spent so much time analysing our relationship, we forgot to actually be in our relationship. We didn't go back to therapy, after that.
You got me, mate. My heart and soul forever. No man had ever done that before, I wouldn't let them because my heart was a jagged hunk of bleeding meat enclosed in barbed wire. One night you wanted a huge hug but I could only offer out my pinky. "That's all I can give you right now."
So you held my pinky, and drifted off to sleep.
These days, I give you my pinky, pointer, thumbs. Manhands, manfarts, stinky breath, tangled love. I give you time and space to be yourself, and you give me the same. I can't believe we went to New York together. It was an utter pleasure, watching you soak that city in. I knew you would love it. I know you so well, my survival-mode, hardcore, macho, clever hot hot guy. When your ute drives in the driveway I get so excited.
I can't believe the cancer didn't kill you. Every single day spent with you is a bonus. We are so so lucky. We build beautiful boys, together, too. You never had a dad and you are the best dad I have ever met.
Remember I dragged you to see Eat Pray Love last week, and Julia Roberts says to Javier Bardem "All of my friends say I need a man." And Javier says back, "You don't need a man ..... you need a champion."
You and I laughed so hard, because we both know you are my champion.
The fifth wedding anniversary denotes the gift of wood. Tonight, I shall give you a toothpick when you make that most annoying clicking sound with your tongue after dinner, trying to get the food out.
Because you will. Oh yes, you will.
Almost eleven years together ... five years since I stuffed up our carefully planned bridal waltz. Remember I kept trying to lead you?
And I always will.
Parenting: Holding On With Open Hands
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