"That's not flying! That's .... falling with style."
- Woody, "Toy Story"
Sometimes I fly and sometimes I fall. I fell, most of the weekend, over and over. Last night, Dave held both my arms and said, "Sometimes, you are such hard work, Eden Barrie." (He uses my maiden name when he sees me slipping into old behaviours, old rages, old hurts.)
I smiled and looked at him. "The best things in life often are, Davey."
I wasn't even offended, because it is so true. Sometimes my past comes back to life like a zombie and chases me around the house. And nobody can see it except me. It's tiring.
Rocco did a huge poo on the potty. I was so excited and proud that I almost cried. We all clapped and cheered. Rocco still wanders the house at night, looking for a bed. Like a puppy. Every night he comes into my bed, seeking a cuddle. Then he runs to Max's room, then to Tim's. I often think, at 2.30am .... THAT'S IT. I AM GOING TO THE HARDWARE TOMORROW AND BUYING A LOCK AND BOLTING HIM IN HIS BEDROOM AT NIGHT.
Of course I would never do that. One day he will sleep. Surely.
Every time I see the word surely I think of Leslie Neilsen. "Don't call me Shirley."
Yesterday was a study in how low I could possibly feel, for no reason whatsoever. It was fascinating. There was only one thing I could think of doing that could help - our Christmas tree is now proudly decorated.
I listened to Annie Lennox's 'Christmas Cornucopia.' BEAUTIFUL. (I'm a Eurythmics fan from way back.)
The other night, Max and I got into my car to come home ... whenever I put it into reverse, the reverse parking camera comes up in the rear view mirror.
Up in the mirror .... was the HUGEST BLACK SPIDER. It was so scary. Unfortunately, I have given Max my fear of spiders. He was freaked and trying not to show it. I bluffed it ....
"Ok Max. There's only one thing to do. I'm getting out of our vehicle to flick him off. You wait here. No man gets left behind."
I put on an army drill seargent's voice and we both nervously laughed. I had to do this. Otherwise, our friend would come home with us, like Robert De Niro clinging underneath the car in the remake of Cape Fear.
I walked around the car .... up to the camera near the numberplate ... and saw the teeniest, cutest little spider. I blew him off, so thin were his spindly legs. When I got back in the car, Max thought I was the bravest mum EVER. I confessed, told him how tiny the spider actually was, and we both belly laughed.
"Actually sweetheart, it's a great lesson in life. Sometimes, the things you think are so big and scary and overwhelming .... are actually just very small."
He was silent, as I watched his mind tick over. I wonder if he will ever think of that, one day down the track, if he gets chased by invisible zombies.