The Gods are all around. They have laughed and sniggered and played games on me ... no television, internet, or electricity at one point. Just me, in my hotel room, alone with a brain that wants to kill me.
My heart has won in the end.
It always has before ... don't know why I doubted it so much this time.
It's my last day. I have performed many exorcisms on myself. Thank you for your kind emails. I was worried too! Phew!
I went to the orphanage again yesterday, and stayed for hours. The gigantic tin of biscuits emptied in seconds. The teenage girls grabbed me, sat next to me, sprawling, asking if I had a husband? Where are my earrings from? One little boy walked up to me and asked ... do I have a father? I said no, he died. Recognition flashed in his eyes. Then he walked away. I brought food and eggs and paper and pencils .... I will go back home with a bulging bag of pictures to hang all around my house. Amazing pictures.
Next time I come back, I will arrive with books and toys from my boys rooms ..... loads of stuff they never needed or wanted in the first place.
The coffee was black, with a huge sludge at the bottom of it. I put sugar in it - something I never do. I have not put sugar in my coffee for ... ten years. I have not felt so crazy, and utterly alone for ..... ten years. Lost and pathetic, useless, selfish ... all the adjectives, all not felt so strongly in .... ten years. A decade.
I have learnt. Bono said once that he hopes to always remain teachable ... so do I.
I got split open, stitched back together. The culture and religion and work ethic here are all meshed in each other. To pray to the Hindu Gods, you offer yourself and your life. You walk to the temple twice a day, even if your heart is angry at home, you walk with food for the Gods and your family and sit together, and be happy.
To be creative, is what the Gods want you to do. Finally I understand why the Balinese people are so amazing and talented ... they must be creative, their religion teaches them to have pride in what they do. To make things, create things.
The western Gods are boring, in comparison.
The Hindu Gods are like the Bollywood Gods of the Godosphere - loud and brash and flashy. Very sexist, too. Cheeky buggers.
I can not wait to see my husband again. Never, in our relationship, have I been so bursting to see him. I will kiss my house, hug it. I will cook happy meals with a happy heart .... with wholesome recipes. I will be there for all of them with no distractions .... keep creating things, in my heart and in my world.
Flying home tonight ..... need to walk around the city one last time, smell the thick deep smell of the soul of humanity again. With my branding on my leg and a deeper insight than ever before.
I am still teachable.
Boys buying treats before school -
My breakfast nook, the beautiful scene of so many tears -
A very noble Balinese King died. For two months, a huge cremation black bull has been constructed, while his body is kept on dry ice. You can buy tickets, to see cremations every day here. I don't need one .... I cremate myself enough anyway. If you look closely, you can see the old me in the bulls belly .... see that tinge of red hair? I despised myself so much I threw myself in there. The Balinese did not bat an eyelid -
Scenery from my favourite restaurant. One day I will take photos of all my boys splashing in that pool -
Hi. The only photo of me on this trip -