Last night I dreamt that I was in a car crash and I didn't have my seatbelt on. I got thrown around and around, felt my limbs snapping and popping. Then I dreamt I had a big fat pile of drugs, but had nowhere big enough to spread them all out and take them properly. Then I dreamt about the generational dysfunction in my family, handed down like precious heirlooms.
Just my usual dream themes.
This morning I woke early and sent Max off to his very first overnight school camp. He has been counting down to this day since February .... he's learning the settlement of Australia lately and is down in Sydney, experiencing it as a convict. Visiting the Rocks and the Australian Museum and wandering around town with his class. I told him that my line of the family dates back to the convicts, and he widened his eyes and said "THAT IS SO COOL MUM!!"
He'll probably tell his teacher - that's ok. I think it's pretty cool too.
Rocco went into daycare, and I gave myself the day off. I've worked like a dog lately, Dave has been away and is going away again soon .... I thought I'd have just one cheeky day to myself. Get a manicure and pedicure and the most overdue eyebrow waxing of all time.
On the way down in the car, I wondered what I would do if my whole family died? Maybe kill myself, or go off to India or something and become an enlightened guru or some shit. Then I wondered if the planet was going to be ok .... whether I could still be close with Max when he moves on to deeper friendships as he gets older .... and when IS Greys Anatomy back on? It's the only show I watch.
I thought how happy I was, in that moment right then - this golden orb in the sky lighting me up - I remember it, from long ago. I think they call it, "the sun."
I parked where I always park. Went inside and got a coffee, followed by a phonecall from Rocco's daycare that he had a huge lump on the side of his neck.
They are so wonderful at his daycare .... they all know and love him, have done since he started there at 11 months of age. I spoke with the centre director, she said that it was causing him no pain, he didn't have a temperature, and was just asking me if I knew it was there. I didn't.
I told her where I was and that I would come back up.
But I didn't, straight away. I didn't want to have a knee-jerk, freakout reaction. It sounded very much like a lymph gland issue. So I stayed, got my pedi, more coffee, some raw cashews and the freshest dates.
Then I drove back up, calling his doctor who told me just to bring him straight there.
I picked him up, and he was all snuggly. Took him to the doctor - he charmed the whole waiting room with clear and concise requests for strawberries. So we went and bought two punnets and ate them ALL, sitting on our white plastic chairs. I sliced the green leaves off the top with my freshly manicured spork fingernails. He ate, silently. The lump was at the back of his head, behind his left ear. It's gigantic.
The doc took us in and poked in Rocco's ears and mouth and checked him over ... he doesn't seem to have any accompanying sickness. He is the best, this doctor. He knew how .... my brain was ticking over. I simply said "Well, we don't like lumps, in our house."
He said that in most cases, it's just a swollen lymph node - from an infection, or something harmless. And it could take up to six weeks to go down. He looked at my face - "However, bring him back in on Friday, hey? See how it is then."
He asked Rocco if he'd like a purple echidna stamp or a green koala stamp. Rocco looked from one to the other. I knew exactly what he wanted. He reached out two hands to grab both.
He sat in the bath, later on tonight. Listless and tired. Only ate a banana for dinner then let me put him straight down to bed. "Lie down." He ordered me to lie next to him, I stroked his little head and gave him cuddles until he went to sleep. Then I looked at him, knowing that of course he was fine, it's nothing to worry about .... but water was leaking from my eyes anyway.
Intellectually, I know the odds are that he is ok and it's nothing serious. Emotionally, I'm keeping myself in check because I'm prone to excess bouts of panic and worry about ridiculous things anyway. Physically I keep shallow breathing and nervous tapping. I've googled it and it could be nothing or it could be the worst thing in the world. Sometimes google just cancels itself out.
Tonight I was in the kitchen, staring at the bubbles from the washing up. They were so pretty, right there in that very moment. After a while I noticed that I had been holding my breath, the entire time I was standing there.